How To Make “Not Coffee” In The Morning

/ Ally Bean

File this one under… MARITAL BLISS.

1)  DO NOT set up your electric coffee maker, which has a delayed brewing option, the night before you want your coffee.  Instead, go to kitchen in morning while still groggy and make coffee.

2)  TURN ON overhead lights in kitchen using dimmer switch to provide a minimum of light onto counter.  Pull machine out from under cabinet while confirming that brew basket, glass carafe and plastic lid appear to be in their proper places.

3)  PLACE PAPER filter into brew basket, measure water + ground coffee, then place each into its proper compartment within electric coffee maker.  Turn on machine and wait for brewed coffee to drip into glass carafe.

4)  HEAR BEEPS that tell you that your coffee is ready and with favorite mug in hand pour yourself some coffee from what seems to be an unusually light carafe.

5)  DO NOT stop to think about why this carafe is so light and that there might be a problem here as you take your first sip of coffee.

6)  SPIT OUT “not coffee” into sink as husband enters kitchen.  Describe foul “not coffee” beverage using colorful language, thereby piquing husband’s interest.

7)  TURN ON overhead lights in kitchen to full wattage while examining electric coffee maker from whence the “not coffee” came.  Snarl loudly and turn to husband who is trying to make quiet exit from kitchen.

8)  ACCUSE SPOUSE of incompetence while putting away clean dishes night before.  Mention that just laying plastic lid on top of carafe will not work.  Reinforce idea that securing plastic lid onto glass carafe is what allows coffee to flow from brew basket into carafe because lid pushes spring on bottom of brew basket open.

9)  NOTICE SPOUSE looking guilty and explaining that it’s all his fault.  Agree wholeheartedly while cleaning out sludge formed by coffee grounds and hot water trapped in brew basket.  Try to be angry with husband but decide that it’s not worth the effort.

10) DECREE THAT there is a new house rule.  Specifically, henceforth and ever after the glass coffee carafe will always have plastic lid secured on top of it before placing carafe into electric coffee maker… on penalty of no access to any TV remote control for a month.  Capiche?

25 thoughts on “How To Make “Not Coffee” In The Morning”

  1. Thanks for the good chuckle this morning. Love the new look of the blog. And I am now finally getting your blogs in my email after about an 8 month disappearance. 🙂 I choose not to ask why or to attempt to figure it out.

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    • Cheri, glad that you’re back in the loop. My only thought is that with this new Twenty Fifteen Theme template the WP system is working better? I dunno.

      As for coffee-making gone wrong, if you can’t laugh about it you wouldn’t have much of a marriage. IMHO.

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  2. Ha ha ha!! You two entertain me! I hope you finally got to enjoy a good cup of coffee. That’s why I drink tea–just boil the water and pour:)

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    • Beth, I think that you’re onto something with your morning tea. Much easier to do than brewing coffee. But with less caffeine, tea is more of an afternoon beverage for me. Still…

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  3. Good luck with that. My husband makes a pot in the morning. He cleans it out and puts everything to dry on the drainer. I smash everything into the machine when I am in a hurry to make an award winning gourmet dinner. I go to Starbucks for my coffee so I don’t care what happens the next morning. Hope you got your cup!

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  4. This is pretty much the reason I have a Keurig. I’m just not coordinated enough in the morning the measure and get everything in the right place. I have, however, made hot water instead of coffee and not noticed until after the creamer was in.

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  5. Oh, snort. Nothing like cleaning sludge in the morning. At least you put in the carafe… there have been time when RC Cat in her private dining ledge in her suite got very vocal about breakfast being late and Molly was going to eat the back door if she didn’t get out to chase the squirrel immediately…and by the time I finally got back to pour a cup of coffee, it was dripping all the way down the cabinet to the floor. Fun times…..without benefit of coffee!

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    • philmouse, oh what a mess! I can understand how that would happen, but really– such. a. mess. Makes my [our] little morning kerfuffle seem like nothing. Which, I guess, it really was… but that’s never stopped me from writing about something. 🙂

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      • No, any sludgy related cleaning before coffee is a true tragedy…like the time I was holding the paper filter and had to intervene in pet races, so I pitched the filter in the machine not realizing I hadn’t put the filter holder in first…..did you know paper filters almost full of hot water and warm coffee grounds are hot and difficult to reposition into the filter holder without making a sludgy mess? Starbucks next door would be such a luxury…

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  6. Growl. Not like coffeemakers aren’t SO SLOW already. Honestly, I make the bed, fire up my computer, feed the cattens, and do all sorts of things before my puny quarter-pot has dripped through.

    Not a fan of the Keurig, however. I’ve had that “coffee” and no thank you.

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    • nance, I know what you mean. They take forever to brew. All of ’em. It’s frustrating enough waiting on the normal brewing time, let alone when you have to make two pots in one morning. Growl, indeed.

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    • Margaret, I need to follow your lead. No particular reason why I don’t. Laziness, I suspect. But our lives would be better if I got it in gear and set up the coffee maker each night. Obviously.

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    • Andra, I’ve thought about getting an espresso machine. But then I realized that I’d be messing around with hot, hot steam at an early hour– and my self-preservation instinct kicked in. Still, it sounds nice.

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