Confessions Of A Formerly Super Conscientious Woman + 3 New Projects

/ Ally Bean

Once upon a time I was a super conscientious woman.

I lived and died by Checking Things Off My To Do List. My self-worth was contingent upon these checks because the results were more important to me than the process. Woe be it to anyone who got in my way: I was not always the nicest person.

Sad to say, apologizes offered.

~ ~ • ~ ~

CURRENTLY: I want the walls in our home office to be griege, the trendy color of the moment. All I have to do is figure out which shade of griege goes best with the furniture and artwork that we already have.

~ ~ • ~ ~

Then my goals and desires began to change.

That is, I got older and more self-aware. I evolved into a wiser + wearier woman who no longer felt obliged to Do A Lot Every Day Or Else. I still accomplish things, quite a few things– but at a slower pace, focusing on the process that I now allow to be organic rather than forced.

Mellowness is good for me.

~ ~ • ~ ~

CURRENTLY: I want to continue upgrading our terrace using odds-n-ends of slate and limestone to create a patio with a level surface that is unique– and less pebble-y than what is there now.

 ~ ~ • ~ ~

This new me is easier to be around.

Despite these unsettling difficult Trumpian times we’re living through, I’m a more relaxed version of my previous self. This iteration, Ally Bean 2.0 The Best Yet, evolved quietly during the last decade of my life when I didn’t feel well and couldn’t decide a thing without overthinking it.

However, no longer stuck am I.

~ ~ • ~ ~

CURRENTLY: I want to organize all the inherited stuff that has accumulated around here, in our basement, for decades. Then I want this stuff sold | auctioned | donated | given away | tossed out. Enough already with the past, I say.

~ ~ • ~ ~

I don’t know why I’m telling you this today, my gentle readers.  

All I can say is that this morning as I was planning my day I realized How Differently I Handle Any Decision Or Activity now, compared to how I used to do things when society had me convinced that my self-worth hinged on my super conscientiousness.

But you know what? It doesn’t.

65 thoughts on “Confessions Of A Formerly Super Conscientious Woman + 3 New Projects”

    • Deb, that’s exactly how I was– still am sometimes. I realize now that many of things that I worried about didn’t need to be worried about, but when I was in the throes of being super conscientious I overthought it all.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. And that breakthrough is one of the many reasons why I consider you one of the more sane people in an increasingly insane World. It’s all Good.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zen-Den, thank you. I do strive to remain sane, and to get things done. It’s a balancing act, that I’ve gotten better at as I’ve– shall we say?– matured.

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    • Maggie, that’s the crux of it. When I was younger I had so much energy that I did it all, with a laser focus on perfectionism. But now, I’m too tired and jaded to allow myself to value myself based on what I get done each day. It’s quite a revelation to realize this.

      Liked by 3 people

  4. I have experienced this too. Sometimes I’m so slow to make the change that the new color goes out of vogue before I get there! I have found that I’m not a better person is my table is decorated in the holiday du jour! If only I could get my husband to give up the Christmas tree, I’d be in heaven!!

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  5. Oh, Ally, I so Get You.

    There have been so many Setbacks this year for me and so much baloney that I simply cannot possibly deal with it all effectively. Like you, I was the Queen Of Conscientious, and it’s anxiety-inducing to suddenly quit the Perfection Marathon and just Live My Life.

    And the hardest part? Comparison. Looking back and saying, “But I used to …” and fill in the blank with all the stuff I did every day, every week, and yada yada yada. Not good.

    You’re Doing It Right. I hope I get there right along with you. And I think your projects are doable and wise. And will add to your Serenity.

    Liked by 1 person

    • nance, I agree that it’s been anxiety-producing for me to morph into a more relaxed person, after years of believing my value was my ability to be efficient.

      That being said, it’s freeing to think/live this way, and it’s especially good considering how much outside stress all of us are dealing with daily, thanks to Trump’s incompetence. While he’s creating chaos, I’m creating calm, resisting in my own way. 🙂

      I think these three projects, whenever I get them completed, will make our home more useable and friendly. At least that’s how I’m thinking about them as I plan to make them happen… sometime in the future.

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  6. Not sure about that grey/beige color..it is everywhere, and I’m not warming up to it. But the wisdom of the great purge of “stuff”…I’m so with you there. You will feel so much lighter/more free when you lighten the load. Best wishes.

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    • nancy, when using the “P” word I prefer to think of it as PLANNING, not procrastination. It’s the only way for me to not backslide into perfectionism because I tell myself that a relaxed person PLANS. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Your self-worth is just because you’re Ally. 🙂 YAY! I, too, had lists. I, too, checked them off. Years ago, though, I decided to added the stuff I did, that wasn’t on the list, then check it off (it obviously needed to be done said day(s), but I didn’t write it down beforehand. Cheating? Perhaps some would say. I say NAY!

    Have fun with your projects!

    I didn’t know the gray thing was greige. About three years ago, I changed my shower curtain to one that has a lot of gray in it, along with gold fleur de lis, and I added gray sheer curtains, a grey rug and grey towels. The walls are beige. I didn’t know I was ahead of my time. P.S. I know I used gray and grey. I couldn’t decide.

    Ally 2.0 The Best Bean Yet I think has a good this-could-be-on-a-t-shirt ring to it… just a thought!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Tara, I like your idea of adding what you did to your list so that you get a better feel for all that you accomplished in a day. I never thought of doing that, but you make a great point. I may be doing more than I think that I am. Even now.

      Yes, griege is a thing. I like it, but I don’t like it. It’s difficult for me to visualize it all over a room. Your bathroom sounds pretty, proving that you’re a woman ahead of the design curve.

      Your t-shirt idea rocks. I could groove on telling the world that I’m doing better than ok.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Write down that you’ve decided to add to dos to check off your to do list, then check that off! 🙂

        I think you’re right — the bathroom is small, so it looks OK. I don’t know if the greige thing would work in a large room… Depends I think on how beige the beige in the greige is perhaps…

        When you have the shirts made, let me know. I’ll buy one.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Tara, there’s way too much to-do-ing going on there with your idea! 😉 Yes, I’m not sure about griege, but that’s where I’m starting with this home office redecorating project. We just have samples on the wall at this point– and they’re dark. 🤔

          Liked by 1 person

  9. “But you know what? It doesn’t.“ I’ve finally realized that, although my old WASP work ethic still argues with me sometimes, and I still tend to compare myself with friends who are much more fastidious than I. I do need to get rid of a lot of “stuff” around here so my kids don’t have to deal with it. Any day now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Carol, you’re onto something with the WASP work ethic angle. I grew up with the idea that if you start something you must finish it– so get cracking there, kid. Do the things. And being me, I was fastidious about doing the things. 🙄

      I’m ready to get rid of lots of the stuff around here, but it’s not as easy to do as it sounds. What do you do with authentic antiques? And personal memorabilia of long gone relatives? I am, a trifle, overwhelmed by the past right now.

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      • I think that’s one of the things holding me back – much of what I have holds memories. Some of the stuff in the garage is how to get rid of it without it costing an arm and a leg.

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        • Exactly! The weird thing is that for me it holds memories of the people for whom it held memories. To me, so much of this stuff is nothing. But short of throwing it in the trash, what do you do with it?

          Liked by 1 person

  11. Same. I wonder what I could’ve done in my late 20s and early 30s if I hadn’t been so dead -set on achieving perfection? What might I have accomplished? All that wasted energy focused on goals THEY said I should have. Pft.
    Now and again, I encounter similar judgments, but my reactions are not the same, likely because I don’t give a flying fig what THEY think, and because I know I am enough, even if not for THEY.
    I, too, manage to accomplish quite a bit that pleases me and my family, with a few others here and there along the way, but I enjoy it now. I appreciate me and my efforts more. I am so glad you’ve shared this post with us. I’ve considered writing about it a few times, and may still someday. WHEN I WANT TO.

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey, I wonder the same thing, too. I made it through college and got decent grades because of my attention to detail, but once I got out in the real world I held onto that perfectionism too tightly. I wanted to please THEY too much.

      Now, I’m way more mellow about if/when I get things done. I trust myself to know how long it’ll take to do the things and how well I want to do the things, then I plan accordingly. My schedule, my standards.

      I look forward to reading what you have to say IF you decide to post about it. WHEN YOU WANT TO, of course. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I tried to like this multiple times but couldn’t. I’m fully on board with The Bean 2.0. I still like lists (and, most of all, checking things off) but the items listed are things that will make me happier when done, not a bunch of “shoulds.” Btw, I like greige, I just wish it wasn’t a “thing.” Like most/all neutrals, it just depends on what you add to the mix as far as accents.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Janis, I like my lists still. Fear not. It’s just that they don’t control me like they once did. I’ve learned to be me first, then accept what I can or cannot get done in a day– without judging myself. Coming from where I came from, this self-directed kindness has centered me in sanity.

      The trendiness of greige came out of nowhere around here. I like some shades of it but worry that with our long gray winters and springs I might find it depressing. I dunno. We’ll see. There are plenty of other colors out there from which to choose. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I relate to this on a cellular level. I have mellowed a considerable amount, which is kind of scary if you think about how super uptight I still am. Hahahahahaha.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Akilah, I get what you’re saying. I still keep tight reins on projects that mean a lot to me, but overall I’m much more go with the flow now. I choose my moments of conscientiousness, I guess.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I love lists and still make them but I am also of the opinion that things happen when they happen. I like to make sure all my priorities are covered in case of the unexpected, since that seems to happen a lot around here lately.

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    • Janet, I still make lists, too. But I don’t obsess about completing everything on them the way I used to do. I agree with you 100% that things happen when they happen, and trying to force many things to happen is a recipe for defeat.

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  16. I used to be an obsessive list maker too and am much more relaxed now. In fact, cleaning the house has been on my short list for weeks now. And I haven’t done a thing! Griege? I have never heard of that!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Margaret, good for you! Throwing caution to the wind and house cleaning when you feel like it– list be darned.

      Yes, greige [gray + beige] is THE color for home interiors right now. Problem is, we’re not sure if we like it or not… so until one of us decides the painting project is on hold.

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  17. I have developed overthinking into a fine art. In fact, it’s what I do best … usually at 2 am.
    And lists are my best friend. Even as I type this, I know there are various lists littering the table downstairs waiting for my attention. The pressing question is … tomorrow, will I go cycling, which is what I want to do, or will I do yardwork, which I abhor?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Joanne, I still use lists and like them. HOWEVER, I no longer consider them rule of law– they’re more like suggestions now. Possibilities. Vague ideas of what I could do.

      As for your pressing question: maybe you can do a little of both– go for a short ride, do a bit of yardwork! Call it a day. 😉

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  18. I don’t think I was ever like this. If ever there was someone whose motto was ‘To (Heck) with it!”, it’s me. That doesn’t keep me from coming up with goals I want to accomplish, but when I routinely end up ignoring those goals, I just shrug them off and go back to playing around on the computer…

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    • evilsquirrel13, apparently the WASP work ethic passed you by. I was always doing all that I could + a little bit more. Had to, you know? BUT over these last few years I’ve relaxed into a person who gets things done, just on my own timeline and in my own way. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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      • I am a much different person at work. I think my co-workers would be shocked at how lazy and uncaring I am at home compared to my intensity at work. I’m not sure why that is, but it’s something just about everyone in my family shares…

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