My Tribe Has A Motto. Do You Belong With Us?

/ Ally Bean

“Everyone hates X.”

My friend said this to me.  I started to laugh out loud.

She was right, correct in her assessment of a mutual acquaintance, spot on to reality.

X is self-ish, judgmental, and politically extreme, with a mocking sense of humor.  Tedious, to a fault*.

Neither one of us has seen X in years, but my friend’s husband sees X once in a while.  It has to do with his work– and that he’s too nice.  Perhaps more of the latter, less of the former.

It’s through her husband that friend and I hear about what X is doing.  Not that we want to know, but her husband can’t help telling us.  It’s annoying because neither of us is a gossip, so we don’t care.

In fact I told my friend to tell her husband that he needed “to grow a pair of ovaries and woman up.”  Like we did, disengaging from a pointless relationship with X.

She burst out laughing, acknowledging that at this point in our lives, we’re wise woman who won’t put up with mean-spirited, negative people who bring nothing of value to the table.

Show up to the table with some insights &/or style &/or snark and you’re in, part of the tribe.  Welcome!  But try to dump any crap on us, and the offer of friendship is rescinded… until you get your act together and wise up… if you can.

My tribe, my vibe.

You in?

* While it might seem like I’m talking about The Donald here, I’m not.  Although if the unflattering description fits, then…

71 thoughts on “My Tribe Has A Motto. Do You Belong With Us?”

  2. I’m in, Bean. Bring a perspective but base it on FACTS and be prepared to discuss WHY you feel that way. Do not start and end with your thesis statement and expect anyone to simply agree, and do not reject people merely because they do not agree with you, or simply because they are different than you. We may not agree with your perspective, but if you can converse about it without hate and anger (especially when it is irrational and unfounded), and you can remain open to discussing and understanding the alternative view, and you do not cross the line of moral behavior and belief that any reasonable person should have in 2018 A.D. America . . . then welcome to the tribe. Maybe.

    Liked by 5 people

  3. I learned that many years ago. I had a really good friend but she had a dark side. She was hilarious but at the expense of other people. One day it was me. Hit me in the face. I disengaged and never reconnected again. Not enough time for people like that and I don’t think anything I say would change them.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Kate, that’s exactly what happened in regard to X. My friend and I both said no more of this crap. Treat us respectfully and we’re there for you, but be mean to us… and adios. It’s all about establishing personal boundaries and sticking to them. Which is why the quote tickled me enough to make it a motto.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Time is a precious commodity and spending it on people that don’t have good vibes is a waste of that precious time. I know people who don’t agree with me on everything, and that’s OK. But having a bit of an understanding of reality is all that’s required. Sadly, some can’t even meet that low threshold.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Tara, I’m with you on this. It’s not being in total agreement on all issues that makes me hang out with someone, it’s being respectful and sending out positive vibes based on reality. Facts, kindness, a sense perspective. Those are what we’re looking for in my tribe.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. In a remarkable coincidence, I just found out the other day I have a brand new stone in each kidney. At least that’s what the doctor thought he was looking at. Now I know I just grew a pair of ovaries. That’s a relief…

    Liked by 2 people

    • Jill, that is so true. And that’s really what friend and I were getting on about with this motto and our expectations about how people around us will behave. Neither of us has the emotional energy to spare anymore. ‘Ya know?

      Liked by 1 person

    • Deborah, I’m with you on not allowing people to be mean to me. As Z-D sometimes says: don’t start none, won’t be none. I accept your application to be part of my tribe and welcome you into it. I know you’re in tune with our vibe.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I have no time or energy for the negative, people or things. However, when I get “negative” feedback on my memoir drafts I take it if it’s valid, leave it if it’s not. That’s not quite what you’re discussing here, but just popped into my mind.

    On a different note: There’s this relative . . . no, I won’t tell tales about my SIL. Not worth the time. % – )

    Liked by 1 person

    • marian, I agree that in some situations you need negative feedback if you’re going to succeed. Consider the source, as my mother used to say. The problem I’ve found with mean-spirited people is that they seem to like to be that way, enjoy bringing everybody else down. However, I no longer have time for that kind of nonsense, hence the motto.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Sad if the type of person you are speaking about happens to be a member of the family. We don’t visit much. I have no time for that kind of attitude. You want to surround yourself with like-minded people and people who lift you up, not the type that will bring you down. Happy Friday Ally!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Janet, I agree. Having a family member who’s mean and mocking would be difficult. You’re right, there’s no time for that kind of attitude– and no need to put up with it. Hence, my tribe’s motto! Happy weekend right back at ‘ya!

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I am all about it. My personal mantra is “Kindness is my default”, but I don’t take crap from anyone and I don’t let ugliness go by uncontested, for fear that my silence might be viewed as Tolerance.

    Like so many other commenters above, I’ve Womaned Up and tossed Toxic People out of my life: people who were drains rather than fountains, people who took and never gave, people who were nothing more than emotional calisthenics for me.

    In some cases, they did the heavy lifting for me. Since I am NOT ON FACEBOOK, I DON’T EXIST, and they faded away quite easily. Job done.

    Liked by 2 people

    • nance, you’ve hit the nail on the head with your first paragraph. It’s my nature to be kind [sometimes to a fault] but I’ve learned that if I don’t establish personal boundaries with negative people, I’m enabling them to continue on. And that does no one any good.

      I like your concept of emotional calisthenics. That’s exactly what it was like years ago when I was around X. Ridiculous, now that I think about it.

      I’m not on FB either and you’re right– you cease to exist when you aren’t there. It works for me, too. I figure that the people who stay in touch with me are sincere, not faux [potentially toxic] friends.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Margaret, you can be part of my tribe. You snark with the best of them– and for that we love you! 😍 I’m sorry that you’ve had problems with family members in this regard, but just because you’re kin doesn’t mean you are meant to be friends. Or at least that’s what I’ve observed, being family-free, as I am.

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    • Janis, you’ve made my day with such a nice description of my vibe. It’s exactly what I’m trying to do here– and in real life, for that matter. You’re welcomed into my tribe, obviously. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Ugh, the fringe people. The fringe people are the worst; that’s why they’re on the fringe. Okay, no, the worst is when they ingratiate themselves into your circle and you can’t stop people being accepting, but you know better, and you just sorta have to wait it out like a train wreck. (Sometimes this takes years!) It’s important to have wise friends who cut the crap and tell the truth, while also appreciating this in others. Those are the silver and gold friends.
    Excellent posting, Ally Bean 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • joey, I like your description of fringe people. That’s exactly what friend was referring to when she said everyone hated X. She and I saw X for who he is, but others in our group have been slower to realize we be talking truth about X.

      I totally agree about the silver and gold friends who tell it like it is, have your back, and make you laugh in the process. That’s my tribe, in real life and here online.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. I tend to be someone who takes shit. Until I don’t. And once I don’t, I’m usually done for good. I don’t know if that means I’d be someone who could be part of your tribe but I also don’t know if I’m really a tribe kinda girl. I tend to be a bit of the solitary sort.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Katie, you and me both! I’ll put up with a lot of crap from people, making excuses for their behavior. BUT WHEN I’M DONE WITH YOU, it’s over. I’m a solitary person by nature, too. My tribe has no meetings, requires no monetary donations– it’s very informal, so I think you’ll fit in nicely. If you want to join. And you like our motto. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  22. In! In, please.
    So tired of the meanness of those laughing and profiting emotionally/socially from other’s misfortune or pain. Play nice. We don’t have to agree on everything – agree to disagree and still be friends – that makes life interesting. For goodness sakes have some manners and respect for others. Live and let live. (and realize if you don’t and arrogantly try to start something, be aware you may draw back a bloody stub…long past giving quarter for the intentionally stupid or obstinate contrarians who want just to cause trouble and get sympathy or attention) Play nice or feel free to go occupy FB

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    • philmouse, of course you’re in my tribe. You said it with: “long past giving quarter for the intentionally stupid or obstinate contrarians who want just to cause trouble and get sympathy or attention.” That’s how I see things, too. What a world, eh?

      Liked by 1 person

    • Kate, I used to be too nice and as a result felt used but other people. However of late I’ve come to realize that it’s time to assert myself, not in a disruptive way– but in a way that makes it clear I have boundaries. Don’t cross them. 😒

      Like

  24. I learned about boundaries late in life – very late – and still have to practice hard. I totally agree with your stance and wish I’d done similar on oh so many occasions. But in the spirit of no crying over spilt milk, it’s all about making sure I do so in the future and stop worrying about the past. Nice with firm boundaries has a great ring to it.

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  26. I like the sound of your tribe! I’m really introverted, so when I’m gonna spend time around people, I want it to be worthwhile and none of that toxic drama!

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