You Decide: Behaving Hypocritically Or Showing Sound Judgment

/ Ally Bean

~ • ~

I CAN SEE WHAT HAPPENED FROM TWO PERSPECTIVES 

On the one hand I believe people can change and that’s a defining characteristic of humanity.  As we gain experience and knowledge we are able to change, preferably for the better, as we go along.

But on the other hand I like to keep my distance from people who have demonstrated they’re irony-impaired and don’t have the sense God gave a goose, regardless of whether they may have changed or not.

Judge me as you will.

~ • ~

I WAS ON INSTAGRAM WHEN IT MADE A SUGGESTION ABOUT WHO I SHOULD FOLLOW  

When I saw the name I recognized it immediately and shouted “HELL NO.”

Literally.

Shouted those words out loud.

Then I started laughing because I hadn’t thought about this woman, Zelda, in years.

I met Zelda, an author wannabe, through a mutual acquaintance who knew that Zelda was creating her author’s platform which was to include a personal blog.

Our mutual acquaintance thought that I might be able to answer some of Zelda’s questions about writing a personal blog. And I did.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

~ • ~

YOU SEE, ZELDA WAS GOING TO WRITE HER MEMOIR

It was to be about what she’d learned about how to get along with people while living on four continents.

She had stories to tell about her experiences while overcoming language barriers and adapting to the idiosyncrasies of the cultures around her.

There was a charming “Kum Ba Yah“ hippy vibe to her thinking and Zelda was a wordy girl, of that I have no doubt.  She could talk up a storm about the book she had yet to write.

The thesis statement for her proposed memoir was something to the effect of: by taking time to listen and understand people you can connect on a deeper level regardless of your background. It just takes effort.

Being proactive, she’d started a blog for her author’s platform.

Oh yes she had.

~ • ~

BUT THERE WAS A PROBLEM

She couldn’t figure out how to attract readers.  She knew that as an author-to-be she’d need to be able prove to a literary agent that she had a loyal online following.

This was something that had not happened despite the time she was pouring into her blog;  she was clueless as to why this was so.

In an attempt to get to gain perspective on her problem I asked her which blogs she followed and commented on. She seemed baffled, genuinely confused.

She replied, you mean I’m supposed to pay attention to other blogs?  

I said, yes, that’s the deal. That’s how you connect in the blogosphere. You pay attention to other bloggers, leave thoughtful comments, then those people become your readers. 

To which she said, why would I do that? I don’t care about those people. All I want is for them to pay attention to me so I can sell my book.

And therein was the crux of the problem for this author wannabe/newbie blogger who wanted to tell YOU what to do, but had no intention of making any effort to do so herself.

Go figure, huh?

~ • ~

NOW I GRANT YOU ZELDA COULD HAVE CHANGED

It’s been years since I met her, but looking at her IG account I saw no evidence that she’d written her memoir or that she had a public personal blog.

Instead I saw an Instagram feed with selfies– and not much else.

Knowing what you do now, would you want to follow her on social media? Hmmm? 

Am I being hypocritical by not allowing her the opportunity to show me that she has changed OR am I protecting my personal boundaries/sanity by not following her?

Discuss.

235 thoughts on “You Decide: Behaving Hypocritically Or Showing Sound Judgment”

  1. One of the better parts of the aging process, and there are few, is that we do gain a little wisdom. I probably would have done what you did by at least looking at her account. An account of selfies tells the story right there. There would be no further research needed by me. 🙂

    Liked by 10 people

    • Judy, you’re right about *wisdom* being one of the perks of aging. Once I saw all the selfies, I decided to take a pass on following Zelda. She’ll be fine without my support. 🙄

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I fail to see why you choosing NOT to follow the social media of someone who you don’t particularly like, and is posting things you have zero interest in, is hypocritical. What’s that saying? “When people show you who they are, believe them”.

    Liked by 9 people

    • Grace, I’ll take your comment as a compliment to my sensible nature. I shall cast aside any doubts about my dubious character– as evidenced by me not allowing Zelda to show me she’s changed.

      Liked by 3 people

    • Well said, great quote! Someone (you know who you are…) told me today that if they were to send a message to future generations it’d be to think for oneself and be kind. I believe those are words to live by, and I think they apply here, too. Like Grace said, Zelda showed you who she is, believe her. That’s applying the first part of the advice. The second part applies, too. Be kind to yourself, too. Why put yourself through it again for someone who doesn’t care? Be kind applies to oneself, too, I think. I need to ask the person who shared the wise words with me. I believe they’re worth remembering and worth following.

      Liked by 7 people

      • Yes, yes, I hear ‘ya. I’m not following Zelda but I did have to explore my assumptions about who I am just so I could say I was thinking for myself and being kind as a result. Plus it’s rare for me to shout HELL NO when I see someone’s name so I felt this experience was blog-worthy. 😉

        Like

  6. I couldn’t stop laughing over this one.
    You state the obvious to her and she responds…well, as so many humans.
    Fool me twice, indeed (algorithms are so pushy sometimes…manipulative…once you give half a glance, the data memory never forgets HaHa…like magazine subscription depts?)

    Liked by 10 people

    • philmouse, I found this funny, too. For obvious reasons I hadn’t thought of Zelda in years, yet the minute I saw her name there I was back in time talking with her. Good analogy about the social media algorithms being like magazine subscriptions. Pushy, pushy

      Liked by 2 people

      • Endless Weekend, I’ve no idea why IG’s algorithm tried to connect us. That’s weird enough even before I even got to remembering who Zelda was. If nothing else her narcissistic behavior does make for a good topic of conversation.

        Like

  7. No doubt- personal boundaries win out for me. Too many people in my personal sphere have “changed” over time and inevitably it was superficial to get what they wanted or to impress others. I believe what you experience (originally) with them is what you get and it always lurks just under the surface.

    Liked by 8 people

    • Susan, yep. I hadn’t thought about Zelda being a narcissist but you’re right. Just seeing her name again made me want to run the other way– while laughing at myself of course.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. “Why would I do that? I don’t care about these people.” OH ZELDA. I don’t know this woman but I think you’re protecting your personal boundaries. I think her response to your very thoughtful and honest suggestion speaks volumes. Sure, people can change. But that doesn’t mean they get to be let into your life. No thank you.

    As an aside, I think you are one of the best bloggers I know in terms of thoughtful engagement.

    Liked by 9 people

    • Nicole, you made me laugh with: “Sure, people can change. But that doesn’t mean they get to be let into your life.” That’s exactly the feeling I had when I saw Zelda’s name again. I wish her well– just nowhere near me.

      Thanks for the compliment. I try to be attentive to the comments people write here so that I can reply politely. You do the same thing, you know! It’s all about comment love.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I know other bloggers who aren’t as self-absorbed as Z who don’t seem to understand that blogging is a relationship and works both ways. That’s how we used to always approach it, we experienced (NOT old) bloggers. Now for some it’s about clicks and monetizing. And HELL NO on following.

    Liked by 7 people

    • Margaret, hear, hear! We experienced bloggers know + do exactly what you said. However Zelda was after the fame and money– and did I mention she was a chatty woman? HELL NO indeed.

      Like

  11. Hypocritical…you? NO WAY!!! Why would you want to follow someone, read their blog and know they couldn’t give two cents about you and will never engage or interact with you?!!
    For most us here it’s about a community and building online friendships through mutual interests, and conversations both serious, and silly.
    I’m with you and would say NO! too. I agree with AutumAshbough be discerning and pick quality over those who only want the clicks and likes.

    Liked by 7 people

    • Deborah, thanks for your moral support. I do believe that people change, BUT in this case I just can’t emotionally invest in this person to find out if Zelda has changed. Pretty much don’t care.

      I like how you’ve explained how community develops in the blogosphere– and those of us who’ve been here a while know this. I like AutumnAshbough’s analysis of this situation too. Somehow my mind when to hypocritical, not discerning.

      Liked by 2 people

  12. The underlying satisfaction in blogging is the community of online friends we develop in the process. I’ve come to know great people on WordPress, not so much through what they write about but instead how they reveal themselves through candid comments. This community has been especially important during the pandemic. I can spend an entire day seeing no one but my wife, yet I know these friends are posting and commenting regularly, just a few keystrokes away. This is the unexpected fringe benefit of blogging: the reading and exchange of comments is as satisfying as the writing.

    Liked by 10 people

    • Dave, I agree with you. During the endless months of the pandemic I counted on bloggy friends to keep me tethered to sanity– through laughs and emotional support. Twenty years ago I remember reading about this new thing called blogging. One of the pros about it was that blogs are available 24/7– which at the time was unique. Like you said, a few keystrokes and voilà! What’s not to love?

      Liked by 2 people

  13. I think your (Oh HELL no!!!) original thought was the correct one. Follow your instincts here. For me, the best part of blogging was meeting new people exchanging ideas, and seeing the world from the perspectives of others. I learned a lot. Poor Zelda is depriving herself of that opportunity.

    Boundaries are a good thing – I learn that over and over as I get older! 🙂

    Liked by 7 people

    • Laurie, it was funny to me that those words flew out of my mouth. I’m usually more mellow when I see someone’s name in print. But there you go, Zelda made an impression on me, for better or worse.

      I’m with you about learning to embrace my personal boundaries more as I get older. Now I say *good-bye* while wishing someone well– and never look back.

      Like

  14. A few years ago a blogger did a big questionnaire asking her followers a bunch of questions regarding blogging, who they followed, etc. I found it amazing that one blogger commented that they had absolutely no interest in reading other blogs, because this blogger “was providing a service” while the others were just “blogging”….

    Liked by 6 people

    • LA, ha! I have no trouble believing that comment. There are a lot of arrogant people everywhere, blog land included, who are only here to *gift* us with their presence. Zelda would fit in that group.

      Liked by 2 people

  15. Oh my. I had a similar experience. A woman blogger followed me from a comment I made on Dooce’s blog and left not a lightweight “I like your blog” type comment, she put real thought into her comment and proved that she had at least read that post. That was more than enough to get me over to her blog. She wrote funny and interesting stories about her life and family. She seemed pretty genuine, back then. And she never, ever, commented on my blog again. You kinda of had to admire her skills at self-promotion. She went from admitting in an amusing way that the didn’t know how to cook, to bringing in a famous food blogger to do a workshop in her home, to getting her own food network show. She’s a brand now. I went and checked out her blog, to see if it still exists, and her blog looks like it’s professionally curated. She’s become an expert in everything. I doubt that she would ever say out loud what your Zelda said; I don’t know and I can’t prove it, but that just seems to be the way she’s lived her life.

    I’m not sure that people, at their core, change. We change some things and perhaps we have an epiphany that stimulates real change. But, on the average, people show you who they are. I don’t think it’s hypocritical at all that you aren’t following her.

    Liked by 8 people

    • Zazzy, yep: “You kinda of had to admire her skills at self-promotion.” I’ve had a few experiences with bloggers like that, too. They seem sincere, then turn on you. At that point you realize you were just a stepping stone, not a friend. I could point you to a couple of authors, but I won’t.

      I believe people change all the time. I see that in myself and others. In my case I’ve become more outspoken, less worried overall. In the cases of other people, some of the changes are positive, some are hateful and sad. I dunno, maybe I have an optimistic streak in my cynical heart after all.

      Liked by 2 people

      • You’re right, Ally. Hopefully we grow and change throughout our lives. It may just be my cynical side today that says I’m not certain we change at our cores. If you’re the type of person that cares about other people, I think you tend to stay that way. If you’re the type to use others to get what you want, I think you tend to stay that way. Not that you can’t change, more the inertia idea. Most change takes work. But, sometimes I am just too cynical for my own good!

        Liked by 3 people

        • Well you know it’s your cynical side that makes me smile. I can only use myself as a guide, but I’m nowhere near the person I was 20 years ago. I’ve learned and suffered and let go of limiting ideas that didn’t serve me. Of course I like to learn at my core, so maybe I’m still the same just tuned into different information? That could be.

          Liked by 2 people

          • Thank you, Ally! Perhaps it’s that introspective, growing side that pulls me and other people to you. Sometimes I think I’ve changed a lot, other times I’m not sure I’ve changed much at all.

            Liked by 2 people

            • I’m sure you’ve changed for the better more than you realize. I find that in the short-term I don’t feel like I’ve done much in the way of changing, BUT in the long-term looking back over many years I realize I’m a different person than I was even 5 years ago. I’m intentional about bettering myself, although my definition of betterment might not be yours.

              Liked by 2 people

  16. No thank you. I have no time to waste on folks like that. You checked, no change, move on. There are a lot of other bloggers out there who would value the time you give to them…Like me 🙂

    Liked by 6 people

    • Janet, what a nice thing to say. I appreciate it– and value you, too. As for Zelda, she was a flashback to one of those ridiculous conversations that I seem to find myself in. I didn’t follow her, of course.

      Liked by 2 people

  17. Ally, you gave her a chance when you checked out what she had posted in her feed. It’s probably best she never wrote that memoir, given her actions contradicted her thesis. I don’t think the advice therein would have made the world a better place. But, bless her heart, maybe she’ll find her way.

    Liked by 6 people

  18. To address your question, I believe it is important to set boundaries. However, I believe it is important to give them the benefit of the doubt. Given the circumstances, everyone of us has the potential to become a Zelda.

    I found out this morning that my childhood best friend died, and I never got to say goodbye to her because of a judgmental viewpoint. It will forever alter my perspective of other people. I hope we can all look at each other with a little more compassion, knowing that we can all become Zelda in the blink of an eye. But we may also be an Ally. Choose wisely. 🙂

    Liked by 6 people

    • Kari, I’m sorry to read about your childhood best friend. My condolences for your loss. You make a good point about being careful about who you shut out– and how you treat the people you let in.

      I’ve come to learn the importance of personal boundaries as I’ve gotten older. I don’t know that I’d categorize Zelda as an acquaintance, let alone a friend, but there is a lesson to be learned from our conversation and the impression I got of her. I wish her well, but won’t be following her anytime soon.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Oh my goodness, ZELDA – she sounds like a piece of work. I think the saying ‘when you see crazy coming, cross the street’ applies here. I’m really enjoying the wisdom from the comments, like when people show you who they are, believe them, and fool me once, etc. Good stuff. I’m soaking up these thoughts to use in other life situations that crop up, as they do.

    The internet suggesting you follow her is too funny.

    Liked by 6 people

    • Ernie, I love that saying. I don’t think I’ve heard it before but it applies here. I quickly crossed the street when I saw her name. Not a bad person exactly, just a bit too absorbed in the wonderfulness that is Zelda. Other people? I’m not sure she knew they existed.

      Liked by 1 person

  20. I love that her memoir was to be about listening and she didn’t want to listen – either to your advice about connecting or the people that she wanted to “advise.”

    I love that you have given her the grace that she might have changed. But in that case, she could “follow” you first, assuming that social media is given her similar suggestions. 🙂

    Liked by 7 people

    • Wynne, Zelda was lacking in self-awareness, but not an unpleasant person to talk with– once. She was, I suppose if nothing else, honest about her motivations.

      Now that you mention it I hope the IG algorithm doesn’t direct her to me, but even if it does I suspect that Zelda wouldn’t remember me so I’m safe from her “friendship.” 😑

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Blogging, like friendship, is a two way street. She seems to prefer one ways. I had to get off social media because of all the narcissistic people so keen to have followers but not willing to listen to anybody else. Selfies galore. You know the type. I was like why am I wasting my time caring about people who never care about me?

    Liked by 7 people

    • collmart, you said it. I consider blogging to be a way to make friends, too. Zelda was looking at blogging as a means to an ends– that just happened to benefit her. She was self-absorbed and like you mention just another narcissistic person online. I often wonder: “why am I wasting my time caring about people who never care about me?” I’ve no answer, but I know it happens.

      Like

  22. Now I’m wondering how she made so many friends on different continents if all she wanted was for them to be interested in her. Years ago, I had a friend I had to cut loose because she was constantly complaining and judging people. At the time, I’d been trying to grow and change and realized that all I did was commiserate with her. If I wanted to change my life and become a happier person, I had to stop complaining and judging. It turned out, when I didn’t join her in that activity in our conversations, we had nothing else to talk about. 🤷‍♀️ I recently moved to a town close to hers, and I often wonder if we bump into each other, would I discover that she has changed? (Something tells me she didn’t.)

    Regarding Zelda, it’s not often that narcissists change. Especially on the level you described.
    Nice to meet you Ally. Saw you on Lynette’s blog.

    Liked by 7 people

    • Lori, thanks for stopping by to read and comment. Lynette is the best, isn’t she?

      Interesting story about your former friend. I understand why you stopped complaining– and how that was your only friendship bond. I’m glad you changed yourself for the better, but also wonder what would [will?] happen if [when?] you run into her. Like you I’d be curious to know if she’d changed, but wary, too.

      Liked by 2 people

  23. Well, so much for “It just takes effort.” Oh, Zelda, we hardly knew ye. Whenever the topic of my blog comes up offline, I always say that the most time-consuming part is in catching up with other bloggers. As you tried to point out to Zelda, that’s part of the unspoken agreement here. Fortunately, I actually enjoy doing it! Blogging is probably not the best outlet for a narcissist. – Marty

    Liked by 5 people

    • Marty, no truer words than your last sentence. I know what you mean about the time commitment involved with staying up-to-date with other bloggers. I do my best, but can’t read everything everyone writes. Still I make the effort. Therein is the key, but Zelda was having none of that.

      Liked by 1 person

  24. A shrinky type person once told me that people only change after a BIG dramatic event — birth of kids (maybe), near death experience, war, etc. For the most part people don’t change their core. I would have done what you do. In fact that’s what I do with new commenters before I approve. I want to see what they are up to. I have blocked friends on Facebook because they only did selfies to get the “oh, you’re so beautiful” comments (which I refuse to do!).

    Liked by 5 people

    • Kate, interesting comment from a shrink. I can believe that, the variable being that everyone has a different definition of what is a big dramatic event so they change for different reasons.

      I always look to see who new commenters are before I approve them. I’m not into selfies. I get what you’re saying about people fishing for compliments. I’m not the gushy sort to begin with, less so when prodded.

      Liked by 1 person

  25. CAN people change? Yes.
    DO people change? Hardly ever. At least in my experience.

    The first year or two of your life is spent in diapers. The last year or two of your life is spent in diapers. I rest my case.

    Liked by 6 people

    • Mark, I make that distinction, too. I know that it is possible that Zelda is a reformed narcissist, but I doubt it. Hence I’m not following her. She was a trip and a half.

      Liked by 1 person

  26. Others have already referenced Maya Angelou’s wise observation: “Remember this because it will happen many times in your life. When people show you who they are the first time, believe them.” Zelda sounds like one of those people–and, sadly, there are many–who never learned that she is not the center of the universe, with the rest of us existing simply to admire her.

    Liked by 7 people

  29. To clarify – Zelda’s not asking to connect with you, Instagram suggested her, right? So she’s still all about herself, as evidenced with what she’s posted recently. So…naw…don’t see a reason to connect.

    Liked by 6 people

    • Dawn, correct. IG suggested to me that I might want to follow Zelda. I checked her out, and I do not. To my knowledge she has no idea I exist on IG– or even remembers me.

      Liked by 1 person

  30. I have no interest in following people I don’t know on Instagram, unless they are famous in some way and do work that I admire. So I follow a couple of famous folks, like a British gardener that posts beautiful pictures of his gardens. Otherwise, it’s all either people I know in person, or that I know through blogging. I have no idea why one would be interested in looking at selfies of someone you don’t even know.

    Liked by 6 people

    • J., I follow people who interest me on IG– well, on all social media. I remembered Zelda instantly, so even though I know her I don’t want to know her more. I barely care about selfies from people who I do know.

      Like

  31. Is ‘Zelda’ her actual name (as far as you know), or did you give her that name? If you gave it to her, points for perfect creativity: she sounds exactly like a certain character in a certain Fitzgerald novel.

    I may have mentioned this before, but once upon a time I included this in a comment: “I’m down to about twenty years now, give or take, and not wasting time on the stupid, the boring, or the irrelevant is right up there on top of my list. If I manage to avoid stupid, boring, and irrelevant, I’ll have plenty of time for what’s important.” For me, Zelda hit the trifecta.

    Liked by 6 people

    • Linda, I gave her that name for the reason you mentioned. She was a Fitzgerald character in search of a plot.

      I like your trifecta. It’s perfect. It’s a good rule of thumb about how to separate the wheat from the chaff, as they used to say. Zelda is the poster child for the trifecta, bless her heart.

      Liked by 1 person

  32. I see the blogging experience works best when you make thoughtful effort to connect with the other person, too. I keep My blog at LiveJournal right now and that’s definitely how it works there. However, I’ve found often others just don’t seem to see it the same. I recall one situation where I invited a friend online to join LJ and so we shared blogs. However, after a while of reading access, she had a moan at me as I didn’t reply to her latest post about a famous person passing away. I had no interest in the celeb and figured I’d just channel my efforts into another post that day or on people who were engaging with me more. I didn’t think it needed a reply at all. Had it been a close family member, I would have replied. Out of curiosity, I looked at my blog and she hadn’t responded to the past 20 or so of mine yet I had carried on replying to all of hers. I just didn’t feel the need over this one, yet she felt entitled to a reply over some celeb I didn’t even know! It seems like Zelda has a similar mindset over blogging or there for some sort of fan club, rather than to connect with others. Whilst I think there ARE people out there who can pull off such fame and not have to bother with anyone else, I think they are few and far between and especially over personal blogs where people are self sharing or being open and vulnerable, I think most people do better if they fully and deeply interject with their audience. I see it a lovely way to make friends, too.

    Do people change? I think if they value self growth, some do but for the most part, I’m not sure if people do much or how often there’s a whopping big transition. I would probably do a follow if she reached out to you just to see if she changed lol out of human psychology curiousity lol.

    I think right now I read about 5 people on here and it could feel the opposite as in people are sharing and I’m not posting although I’m happy to share my LJ with anyone who creates an account and I think still might give WP another go at some point.

    Liked by 7 people

    • Katy, I’m nice enough but I don’t read and comment on everything that other bloggers write because there’s only so much time I’ll devote to blogging. Plus not everything is of interest to me– and that’s ok.

      I know how you feel about the weird imbalances that happen in blog land. I’ve found myself in the same situation as you, me paying attention consistently, the other person only checking in with me to criticize me. It’s one of those ‘no act of kindness goes unpunished’ scenarios.

      Excellent point about how people who value growth change, while others usually don’t. I value growth and learning so I’m inclined to think everyone else does, but they don’t.

      I’ve never been involved with LJ but I know that people who are there still are dedicated to it. WP isn’t like that, as you know. It has a different vibe entirely. Let me know if you return, ok?

      Liked by 2 people

  33. You don’t have to follow her if you don’t feel want to. I am not sure why we have to discuss her. There are so many negative vibes out in the world today. People saying so many bad things about others they don’t even know. I feel bad about discussing her like this.
    I just want happier, kinder words going out right now. 🙂

    Liked by 6 people

    • Ellen D., I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring you down. I thought the whole story was funny, especially my immediate reaction to seeing her name again. I thought talking about Zelda’s personality would be a nice distraction from all the evil in the world right now. A way to remember that life goes on, same as it ever was.

      Liked by 1 person

  35. Ah… the Zelda’s of the world. Best to skip away ahead of the wreckage thst follows selfie induced people around. I rarely ever look at who social media suggests for me. Much prefer to pick my IRL and OL friends for myself. You’ve picked up a big following because you it time, effort and a dash of humor in your posts and replies. Bernie

    Liked by 7 people

  36. I’m with Rita. Life is short and busy enough keeping up with the people we genuinely like (online and off). I’m sure Zelda will find her people, just as you’ve found yours.

    Liked by 6 people

  37. You are protecting your sanity. Someone that FAR off isn’t going to change ENOUGH for you to have anything in common.
    Previously, I read a few blogs that I found interesting, but the writer(s) never responded or cared to visit their readers.
    For a lot of people, it’s a ME ME ME world, and I, too, don’t have time for ME ME ME people.
    And why are adults taking selfies for social media? RED FLAG

    Liked by 6 people

    • Suz, you said it. Zelda may have changed a little bit, but I doubt enough to make me want to follow her. She was a trip when I talked with her back then, who knows who she is now!

      I’ve found the same thing as you about some bloggers who don’t have time for anyone else. “ME ME ME” is a good way to describe it. I’m not here for that kind of selfishness, so if I see that going on I move along. No answer about the adult selfie thing. Beats me why anyone thinks other people want to see your face all the time.

      Liked by 1 person

  39. A person can change the way they view the world via experiences, but empathy is fundamental and ingrained. She doesn’t have empathy, even though she listens to others. She doesn’t get reciprocal commentary. Nuff said. That is my summary of the little I know about Zelda. Her memoir even if it was published, would probably not be a great read.

    Liked by 7 people

    • Amanda, you’re right in that Zelda was lacking empathy. I hadn’t thought of that before. I knew she was off her rocker, but not in what way. I didn’t follow her on IG, but I wish here well. Far away from me.

      Like

  40. Oh hells to the naw!

    I laugh when I am suggested to follow someone and all I see on their feed are selfies. Nope. Nyet. Nein. Oxi. Non. Ie… and I can go on. Same with the Twitterati that suddenly follow me and I look – coz I’m curious – and all’s I sees is their body and face shots… 🙄

    Now, besides that, the irony of her statement: “by taking time to listen and understand people you can connect on a deeper level regardless of your background. It just takes effort” and her response to you of “why would I do that? I don’t care about those people. All I want is for them to pay attention to me so I can sell my book”. No, I take that back, never mind irony. It’s oxymoronish besides being totally narcissistic.

    I agree with your readers who stated that one of the fabulous things about growing up is knowing who to ignore and who to invest in. Her? A big fat nope.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Dale, I check on people who want me to follow them, too. I have no problem saying “NO” then moving on. Nothing to see here.

      Zelda was, if nothing else, memorable because of the disconnect between her ideals meant for her memoir and her behavior that suggested selfishness. I mean it was humorous in the moment to listen to someone who was a out there, but I’m not going to invest in her online. She’ll do fine without me.

      Liked by 1 person

  41. That would be no thank you for me too. How’s the remodeling coming today? I saw an earlier post this week, w/ a few pics, saw you were in the thick of things. I feel your pain. We’re on week 5 of doing dishes in the tub and bathroom sink. Our countertop is supposed to be done (and installed sometime next week.) I can’t wait.

    Liked by 6 people

    • DM, I don’t wish anything bad for Zelda, I just don’t want to connect with her. The remodeling is moving along, thanks for asking. The electricians, plumbers, drywallers have been here this week. I hope your countertop is finished soon. Washing dishes in the bathtub gets old fast.

      Liked by 1 person

  42. “I don’t care about those people. All I want is for them to pay attention to me so I can sell my book.” That comment right there speaks VOLUMES. Yes, I believe people can change to a degree. But not Zelda. You were wise to scroll on by.

    Liked by 6 people

    • Gigi, when she said what she did, I had to hand it to her for being honest. BUT that doesn’t mean I want to know her now. Still such a funny, odd flash from my past.

      Like

  43. I unfortunately know a couple of people like that. And she’s writing about how to get along with people? Hum … unless you like to look at her selfies, then I would develop temporary amnesia.

    Liked by 6 people

  46. Oh, the irony! Lol! So someone wants to write a book about getting along with people in other cultures, but has no interest in getting to know people who write blogs from all over the world? SMH……

    Hell No seems like the appropriate response to me.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Bijoux, it was one of the most ironic conversations I’d ever had. Nice enough woman but clueless. I won’t be following her. I’m sure you understand.

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    • Donna, I can live with the feeling that I am being hypocritical by not allowing Zelda to show me she has changed– and to say that my good judgment is *discernment* makes me sound wise.

      Liked by 1 person

  50. Most of the time its easy to pick up on those who want to use us both online and off. Life is too short to give Zelda more than you have already have but you’ve got to admit as blog fodder you got your pay-back for any time of yours you may have wasted in the past. LoL

    Liked by 6 people

    • Jean, I agree with you. Both that I can sense Zelda was then, and still is, a user first class. And that writing about her, someone I hadn’t thought about in years, has been therapeutic– and rather fun.

      Liked by 1 person

  51. What’s to discuss? Why would you follow her? What could you learn or share? She’s not interested in a relationship. I will give her credit for being completely honest about her lack of interest in anyone else, but I would never be that anyone else. Life is too short and much too busy. I feel bad enough when I can’t get to everyone’s blog with a comment on some days when life overwhelms me. 🙂

    janet

    Liked by 6 people

    • Janet, yep, you’re right about Zelda. I have to believe that she’s not interested in anyone but herself. I believe people change, so I could be wrong– but I don’t think so based on her IG page which was all about her.

      I try to check-in with the bloggers I follow at least once a week. Sometimes more if I have the time, but to follow someone who adds no value to my life… not gonna happen. There are too many great people out there who enjoy being a bloggy friend. Like you.

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  52. There are only so many minutes in the day. I’m going to make those minutes count. Most people can see right through the Zeldas of the world. Communication involves an exchange of ideas—not one person who makes it all about themself.

    I understand that there has to be a certain amount of self-promotion when you’re selling a product, but the blogs/bloggers I find the most boring are the ones that do nothing but promote themselves.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Pete, so true about the minutes in the day. Plus I’ve a limited amount energy each day so people who are only interested in themselves, promotion of said, don’t interest me. They’ll do just fine without my support.

      I get what you mean about self-promotion– and being a bore. I feel that way too about some bloggers. I’m not here to buy someone’s stuff or service [yawn], I’m here to make friends and have a few laughs [giggle/snort].

      Liked by 2 people

  55. The best thing to come out of this is that I now follow you on Instagram. (Feel no need to follow back.) (Although there are zero selfies – except my profile picture.)
    Setting people who post a lot of selfies aside, I have also found that people who continuously post about how much they love their partner and how fantastic that person is often end up separating. They haven’t yet learned that when something is authentic and wonderful, there’s no need to shout it from the mountaintops. It just is.

    Liked by 6 people

    • Arlene, I’ll follow you back on IG. Thanks for letting me know you’re there.

      Good point about people who are shouting how great something is, as if doing that alone will make the something great. There’s always some work underneath greatness, whether it’s relationships or hobbies or projects. That’s kind of the weird thing about IG, it’s all about ideals and pretending. I like it, but I shrug.

      Liked by 1 person

  56. The older we get and the more experience we get, the more we can trust our gut reactions. You examined the evidence and reached a reasonable conclusion and probably saved a lot of time and your sanity and personal boundaries.

    Liked by 6 people

  57. I agree that people can change and when you first start a blog there’s the feeling of “it’s all about me,” but the Insta selfies say it all. I would not follow. Great subject, Ally – because although each of these situations is a little different, we all experience this kind of thing and have to decide to re-connect or move on.

    Liked by 6 people

    • Barbara, thanks for your support. It’s possible that Zelda has changed for the better, in my experience people sometimes do. BUT all those selfies? I’m not sure she’s changed, nor do I need to find out by following her on IG. It’s been years since I talked with her– let’s just keep it that way.

      You’re right that eventually this issue of how and why to re-connect with someone finds us all. We have to make decisions.

      Liked by 1 person

  58. Oh Ally that’s hilarious! I can just see myself yelling out loud at my phone in those circumstances too. Not that anyone has ever asked me my advice on the subject of blogging 😉

    IG does lend itself to the narcissists amongst us, but I also give a wide berth to ones with too many selfies. I know all that stuff about business accounts needing to show their potential clients who they are ‘n all that stuff, but my business coach had to literally batter me into posting my picture on mine. I still aim to keep them to the minimum, although live video (the horror) will also need to feature from-time-to-time. Well done on dodging Zelda – again 😀

    Liked by 6 people

    • Deb, I rarely see someone’s name in print and instantly yell HELL NO! Yet once I did it I couldn’t stop laughing at myself. Zelda was memorable, I’ll give her that. But I prefer that she stay someone in my past.

      I don’t follow any business account because of how a person looks, but I realize that what you say is considered common wisdom. More selfies, more selfies. I want to read words written by a person, not see a pic of them– before I engage with them. As for videos, well that sounds like hell. Like on IG or on TikTok or YouTube? Good luck.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I’m like you Ally, I need words – lots & lots of words. My business coach is a doll and we have a good laugh about it, especially after my first live video went awry 😀 😀 Writing will always be my way and my people will be the ones who are drawn to that, but I acknowledge that images & videos can get the algorithms to increase my visibility so those wordy people can find me. Sigh.

        Liked by 3 people

  59. Well the funny thing about that is Zelda’s complete honesty. I mean, do we read other people’s blogs because we’re interested or because we want them to be interested in ours? If Zelda had changed, it would only be to recognise the necessity of paying attention to others in order for them to pay attention to ours, not the intrinsic value of it. I don’t suppose truly famous people look at the blogs/social media posts of the rest of us. Zelda’s trouble is that she isn’t famous…yet. Plus, do we in fact only want fellow bloggers to read our shit? Surely the ideal is to attract a wide audience of readers as opposed to writers? Anyway, thought provoking piece. My personal bugbear is this woman who posts bikini pics on FB. I can’t work out how to unfriend her, not that I remember friending her in the first place.

    Liked by 6 people

    • butimbeautiful, I know what you mean about Zelda being honest. No subterfuge with her motives. But like you said she wasn’t famous so she couldn’t just waltz into the blogosphere and expect follows/fans. Yet she did think this.

      I did not follow her even if IG wanted me to. I suspect that Zelda wouldn’t even remember me. And that’s ok. Can you mute the bikini woman? You wouldn’t have to unfriend her that way, just push her out of your view.

      Like

  60. Boundaries, baby! Yes, Ally, I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion/schtick/whatevs, but that doesn’t make them right or smart or even decent people. If there’s anything the I’ve learned since we’ve entered the aughts is that there are a whole lotta people out there I wouldn’t want to have dinner with so let’s just live and let live and save ourselves the acida! ;0)

    Liked by 6 people

  61. This post had me laughing out loud Ally, I love it when something elicits a visceral response (hell no!) & in this case I think you should listen to your body which clearly told you the right path to take, it’s your head that’s second guessing if your actions are justified.

    I do believe people can change but I also believe we don’t have to be friends with everyone (though as a reforming people pleaser this is something I have to work on 😂🙈)

    Liked by 5 people

    • Rae Cod, seeing a name in print rarely prompts me to shout, but Zelda’s name did. I hadn’t thought of her in years, but *boom* there I was back in time talking with her, thinking she was wacky.

      While I wish no one harm, I also don’t think everyone I meet or have known is friend material. What’s the saying? “We have friends for a reason, a season, or life.” Works for me.

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  62. There are some people who are sadly just not worth our time. Zelda sounds like one of them. I recently spent many hours beta reading another writer’s work. In return, I got nothing. Not even an acknowledgement, never mind a thank you. Now, maybe she did not like what I had to say about her story (it needed work). But that’s what betas are for, so I wonder what her agenda was in seeking outside opinions? Once burned, I will be twice shy in accepting to read another writer’s work without a swap. Life is too short!

    Liked by 5 people

    • MELewis, I agree with you. Some people aren’t worth our time and it’s best for all concerned to not engage. I put Zelda in that category– and wish her well in whatever she’s up to.

      You didn’t even get an acknowledgment for your beta reading! That’s rude, that’s all there is to it. I wonder about the writer’s agenda, too. Why ask you to do the review in the first place? The thing is, users gonna use. Your plan for the future is prudent– and balanced.

      Liked by 1 person

  63. You obviously touched a nerve with this post; I had to scroll way down to leave this comment. Unfortunately, there are a lot of Zeldas out there. Although many newbie bloggers start out not knowing how to gain followers, you gave her valuable advice early on which she choose to ignore (and even be disdainful of). I’m not surprised that you found no evidence of her success years later.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Janis, I wrote this thinking that the story was funny, but I see what you mean about hitting a nerve with this post. 🤷‍♀️

      I know there are many Zeldas in this world. And I also know that I have sound judgment so I shall not be following her on IG– or anywhere. She was, if nothing else, entirely transparent about why she wanted to blog. I’ll give her that.

      Liked by 1 person

  64. I’m going back up to read your post, but I wanted to paste this comment from Hugh about your hacking problem before I forget. You may have already done these things, but he was kind enough to answer when I asked him if he knew anything that might be causing your hacking problem.

    I can only think that her account was hacked, but given the security WordPress has in place, I’d be surprised if that happened. I don’t know about you, but I have enabled the two-step verification that WordPress offers users. It’s another level of security that helps prevent anyone hacking your account. It’s one to be reported to WordPress and to see if they can find out how it happened. Also, her computer may have been infected with a virus that hacks passwords, so I’d recommend running a full virus check on the device she was using. Often, these virus go unnoticed until something strange happens.

    Liked by 4 people

  65. I remember when I first started on the internet. It did not take too long to realize there was a world out there that listened. And some who were out there to get you to follow them. The process was intoxicating and fun but overwhelming to try to keep up with very many people.

    Last month I had a Zelda, and your post made me curious so I looked up her last comment to me. “Too busy to write. I’m taking a blogging break.” I didn’t think too much about it but when I just checked she had deleted her blog and all the posts on her IG account. I rarely look at IG, so I checked mine and followed you. I did not follow Zelda (the one on a blogging break).

    Liked by 4 people

    • Marsha, I know that people write blogs for a variety of reasons. In the beginning it can be difficult to find people who are interested in you, especially if you make no effort to connect. Apparently that was Zelda’s problem. Obviously I didn’t follow her on IG, but talk about an instant flashback to a conversation when I saw her name.

      I wonder why someone would just delete her blog + IG without saying good-bye to everyone. Seems peculiar, but maybe it was easier that way. No loose ends, just gone.

      Liked by 1 person

  66. “To which she said, why would I do that? I don’t care about those people. All I want is for them to pay attention to me so I can sell my book.” A hearty LOL!!!! Good grief. This reminds me of a memoir I read where I was absolutely sure the writer was a sociopath. What an inadvertent exposure that book turned out to be!

    Liked by 6 people

    • Luanne, you have to give Zelda credit for honesty, but considering the premise of her memoir… there was a disconnect. I usually like memoirs, but occasional read one that seems contrived, perhaps skipping over some vital details. To my knowledge I’ve read none by a sociopath, but to read one wherein the writer accidentally shows who they are– now that’s fascinating.

      Liked by 1 person

  67. The older I get (another birthday next week, so hopefully more wisdom ahead?) the more I realize my gut instincts are almost always the right path forward. As in, your initial reaction is likely a safe gauge of how to move forward.
    Also, reading the name Zelda made me oddly nostalgic about watching my best-friend in childhood play that video game.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Elisabeth, I’ve come to feel the same way about gut reactions to people and sometimes situations. Zelda was pleasant enough to talk with once, but to include her among my IG friends, not gonna happen. Happy Birthday early. Glad the name Zelda brought back happy memories.

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  69. Nothing hypocritical about avoiding people who aren’t good energy. I have to say I feel a little bad for Zelda. Not bad enough that I think you should follow her. Just sad for a person who seems to know something of the world, yet remains so self-focused.

    Liked by 6 people

    • Crystal, you’re right, of course. Zelda was, and I figure still is, not good energy for me. She was charming when talking about her book idea, but clueless about, as another commenter mentioned, the golden rule.

      Liked by 1 person

  70. I vote on the side of showing sound judgment. A feed full of selfies is usually a dead giveaway (for me, anyhow). I’ve been thinking a lot about social media (such as Instagram) vs blogging, and honestly, I prefer the community in the blogging world. It is, for the most part, more thoughtful. And I’ve made some good friends through blogging.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Robin, thanks for your vote. As you probably figured out I didn’t follow Zelda, both because of our one conversation and because of the selfies. I goof around on Instagram, but to quote Gertrude Stein, “there’s no there there.” I prefer blogging for the reasons you mention.

      Liked by 1 person

  71. Maybe she doesn’t know the use of social media? It’s not just MEDIA. There is a SOCIAL quotient to it.
    I feel sorry for her. She must not realize that book readers and blog readers also write reviews on Amazon. Having an Instagram account isn’t a guarantee of sales.

    Liked by 4 people

    • L. Marie, good point about who writes reviews. It’s possible that Zelda didn’t truly understand how blogging worked, the social part in particular. The premise of her proposed memoir seemed interesting, but I didn’t see any evidence that she ever wrote it.

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  72. I think that people are capable of change to a point, but their basic personality remains the same. And someone who is not open to a “quid pro quo” of blogging relationships isn’t going to suddenly going to figure it out, I believe.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Ann, good analysis. I imagine that Zelda was confused by the idea of being a blogger who pays attention to other bloggers. She lacked self-awareness, or seemingly any interest in other people unless they were helping her. I have to give her credit for honesty, but I’m not going to follow her on IG.

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  73. In the age of robocalls and people with a few thousand “friends” on Facebook and Instagram, by now we know better than to answer every phone call or engage with every person who “says” they want to be friends but demonstrates that they’re really more interested in being noticed. back in the day, I used to answer every phone call, listen to the whole sales pitch. There are only so many hours in the day, and I’m getting older. My most precious resource is time. Some people do change … a little bit. But unless they’re a close friend or a family member, I don’t think it’s our responsibility to hang around just in case.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Nicki, you said it: “they’re really more interested in being noticed.” Me thinks that was the case with Zelda back then and now. I shall not wait around to see if she has changed. Like you I used to put up with sales pitches, too– but no more. There’s too much noise in the world anymore. I’m interested in signal.

      Liked by 1 person

  74. Ally, she’s already shown you who she is, and as there’s nothing online to indicate that she’s changed, I wouldn’t follow her. But that’s just me, if you want to be full of “loving kindness” (God how I hate that expression) then by all means. I’m still laughing about that “doesn’t have the sense god gave a goose” bit. That must be a Yankee expression, as I’ve never heard it before but I love it! PS. I didn’t know you had to have a substantial online presence to attract a literary agent – it’s clear I am doomed…..

    Liked by 4 people

    • Joni, how about I not follow her and avoid that whole “loving kindness” description in the process? I don’t hear that phrase often, which I suppose is a reflection of who I am– or the crowd I run with. As for the “doesn’t have the sense god gave a goose” saying, I heard it growing up but I don’t know the history of it. Feel free to add it to your personal lexicon.

      Having never tried to find a literary agent I can only say from hearsay that you gotta show an agent you have a following– or they won’t be interested. That’s part of the author’s platform, I’m told.

      Liked by 1 person

  76. A very interesting question, Ally. I truly believe people can change, but that doesn’t mean they will. Based on your quick peek at Zelda’s Instagram posts, you are probably wise to pass. Besides, it appears to me you have your hands full simply responding to all the comments on this post! Who has time for more IG selfies? Certainly not you!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Christie, you said it. I didn’t see any evidence that Zelda, bless her heart, had changed– but she does know how to snap a pic of herself! You’re also right that it takes time to keep up with the comments on my blog. I enjoy engaging with people using words more than seeing selfies, but you probably had figured that out already. 🤓

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  77. Why would I waste my time following someone who writes to be admired – not someone who write to communicate? I blog to connect, and that woman isn’t interested!

    Liked by 3 people

  78. Ally, I’d do as you seem to be leaning toward and protect my sanity and take a hard pass at Zelda’s offer to follow her on Instagram. If she still has not written the Great American Novel as she lacks any social media followings, I’ll bet it never happens.

    Liked by 4 people

  79. The SM world has plenty of Zelda’s – being selective on who you follow on social media is a necessity to stay sane. I confess to not knowing about the read/follow/comment on other blogs when I first started blogging. I started a blog before I even really know what a blog was. It is way more fun when you learn to interact with others. 😁

    Liked by 3 people

  80. Ally, you are not being hypocritical. If anyone comes to my blog, Instagram or Twitter accounts to follow, but avoids commenting or liking anything I’ve written or shared, or if they have no content themselves, I do not follow back. In Zelda’s case, I think she’s narcissistic in wanting to be the star of the show without engaging others. You do have to engage with other bloggers and be part of the community to have readers and that’s one thing that weighs on my mind – that I’m not always a good blogging friend by keeping up with everyone. I finally had time today to try and catch up, but being absent means that sometimes other bloggers forget about you. I would have done the same as you – disconnected from Zelda – because there are far more bloggers out there that will be part of your community as well as their own.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Mary, I like your guideline about who to follow back in social media. I sense, or should I say observe, that Zelda is all about Zelda and the rest of us are pawns in her game.

      I understand what you mean about trying to be a good blog friend, but sometimes going absent. My goal is to check-in with all my bloggy friends at least once a week, but sometimes I can’t manage that. As one blogger said to me when I apologized for missing her post: don’t worry about it, I figured you were out living your life and that’s good. I’ve taken her attitude to heart. Live first, blog later.

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  81. Hi ally
    Ou post reminded me I have not been on IG for years now (i wonder if I even know my password anymore)
    And sigh – Zelda reminds me of a certain “type”
    Not just the selfies and the cluelessness about the way to interact and connect – but the over talking about the book while still an idea! The promoting of self sigh low self awareness – which sometimes indicates a lot of unmet needs and a need to elevate her self worth through many of Those surface things that wear us out –

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yvette, I guess we could say that Zelda is a dreamer who talks about doing things. You’re right that is a type– and also that she wore me out in our one conversations. If you get back on IG look me up. I don’t post daily there, just when the mood strikes.

      Liked by 1 person

  82. She’s not a good friend or even a great acquaintance it seems.. so if this were me I honestly wouldn’t even bother giving her the benefit of the doubt? You did your part, you imparted some valuable blogging wisdom and she decided she knew best… seems like she’s someone who has spectacular “dreams” but can’t even get her footing or see it to the end (you know, like, put in the actual work)…

    Liked by 4 people

    • Jen, I’m with you. I’m not giving Zelda the benefit of the doubt, I won’t be following her. She had an interesting premise for her memoir, but seemingly no desire to write the darned thing. She was in her own world. I wish her well, but won’t be sticking around to see what she does next.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Laura, thanks for your support. Seeing Zelda’s name out of the blue was trippy. I instantly remembered her, but also instantly, like you said, wanted to protect my energy and time. Still, the whole thing made me laugh at myself.

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  86. Luckily I did not have clients like Zelda (They’re lucky, because I would have pounced on em). My clients were the opposite, always worried and even traumatized about what others thought.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Emille, interesting about your clients. Zelda was a character, nice to talk with once, but not exactly friend material. When I saw her name I was instantly back in time talking with her. Kind of trippy.

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    • Belladonna, trust me I’m not going to follow Zelda, but she was a character to talk with. Not one for aligning her actions with her words. Not one for paying attention to much of anything except Zelda I reckon.

      Liked by 1 person

  88. In any relationship there is a time to listen and a time to speak. If she’s the kind of person who only wants to do the speaking than no… she’s not worth it because that’s a one sided relationship. ❤️ it’s better to burn a bridge than live in filth 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  89. You made me think about being hypocritical myself. I do think people can change – in fact, I have changed quite a bit since retiring from full-time work. Intentionally changed. Hopefully for the better. Yet, I have two instances of people who have disrespected me and I will not engage with them again… because I don’t think they have changed. So, am I being hypocritical?

    I do wonder about people who want to understand blogging but then think your advise (as a regular blogger) is just wrong. Read other blogs? Comment? Respond to comments? I personally find joy in all of that… it’s one of the reasons in why I blog!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Pat, you’ve hit the nail on the head while thinking about yourself. I know that people change so to not let Zelda show me she has changed, if she has, seems wrong BUT I found her kind of nutty when I spoke with her so I don’t even want to know if she has changed. I could see my reaction from two points of view.

      Honestly I doubt that Zelda was meant to be a blogger. She was only interested in it as a way of promoting her [yet to be written] memoir. No big deal if she didn’t want to follow my advice, but I did know what I was talking about. I agree with you that the comments make blogging fun.

      Liked by 1 person

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