Walking into the grocery store, my list in hand, looking for first item on my list, green leaf lettuce.
Am about to grab some green leaf lettuce when I’m approached by young woman, early 20s, cute in a confused but earnest way, who asks me if she can ask me a question.
And so the conversation began…
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HER: I’m supposed to buy my dad some romaine lettuce.
{pause}
ME: Yes…
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HER: I don’t understand where the romaine lettuce is…
ME: It’s down the way to our–
HER: This isn’t romaine lettuce, is it?
[She has a plastic bag filled with something green and leafy. She puts the plastic bag directly in front of my face, about 6″ in front of my eyes… because I’m old, I guess, and she wants to make sure that I can see what is in the bag.]
ME: No, that’s Napa cabbage. It’s not romaine lettuce.
HER: This is CABBAGE? In the lettuce department?
ME: Yes, it’s leafy and looks sort of like romaine lettuce, but it’s cabbage… and won’t work if you’re looking for lettuce.
{pause}
HER: What does it taste like?
ME: Cabbage.
{pause}
HER: Is that lettuce? It’s red.
ME: Yes, that’s red leaf lettuce. It’s lettuce… as is the green leaf lettuce beside it that I’m going to buy.
HER: Lettuce can be RED?
ME: Yes.
{pause}
HER: I don’t understand lettuce. How do you know which one is which?
ME: There are little tags on the shelves below each kind of lettuce that tell you what it is.
[She takes the opportunity to turn her head sideways and notice the little tags, reading a few of them.]
HER: Huh. That’s helpful.
ME: Yes it is. Now if you go down the way to our right–
HER: LOOK AT THAT! The tag says Napa cabbage. That’s what I picked up.
ME: Uh huh. Down the way, to our right, there are bags of–
HER: What am I going to do with this Napa cabbage that I don’t want?
ME: Put it back. On the shelf. With all the other Napa cabbages.
{pause}
HER: I can do that?
ME: Yes, and down the way, to our right, there are bags of romaine lettuce that have three–
HER: THREE!!! Yes, that’s what my dad said. Bags of three. Where are they?
ME: Down the way. To our right, where the big sign talks about–
HER: Yes, yes. I see it. How did I miss it? Thanks.
[She scampers off to buy a bag of romaine lettuce, leaving me to finish my sentence, unheard and definitely unheeded.]
ME: — where the big sign talks about the current dangers surrounding consumption of romaine lettuce.
~ The End ~
