M Is For Me

A Nobody Shops For Jammies

/ Ally Bean / 52 Comments

A few doors down from Ulta, which I adore, is a Soma.  I was in Ulta and on a whim, being in a good mood, I walked over to Soma.

They sell bras + undies plus PJs. I thought that I might treat myself to some new pajamas.

I got the idea of indulging in new PJs after talking with some friends about how we adore cotton flannel jammies, the epitome of autumn/winter comfort and practicality.

Not to mention, flannel jammies are classic.

Timeless… or so you’d think.

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I walked into Soma, intent on buying some PJs, but when I noticed lots of gorgeous bras + undies I thought to myself: “I think I’ll get some of these, too, while I’m in here. I deserve to upgrade my unmentionables.”

My mind was in a happy place, giddy with possibility.

Eventually one of the employees came over to wait on me. I asked her if they had any 100% cotton or mostly cotton PJs, summer or winter, I didn’t care which season.

With a dismissive laugh she told me that: “No, we don’t carry things like that. NOBODY WANTS COTTON PAJAMAS!”

[Considering that I was SOMEBODY standing in front of her this statement was factually incorrect. But out of the largesse of my heart I chose to not mention this lapse in logic to her.]

Ignoring her attitude I told her that my friends and I liked cotton flannel jammies, and suggested that: “I’m sure there are lots of woman who want 100% cotton pajamas. I think that my friends and I are the norm.”

Could be wrong, but kinda think I’m not.

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She shrugged, indifferent to me, the NOBODY standing in front of her, and started to wander away from me. As she turned her back on me I told her: “Tell the corporate people that we want 100% cotton PJs. You got that?”

She just walked away from me, without a word.

No apology for not having what I, the customer nobody, wanted. No sympathy for what I was asking for. No suggestion of where I might go to buy what I wanted.

No indication that she cared in the least [because she didn’t].

Now you’d think I’d be mad about this, wouldn’t you, my gentle readers? But really, can you blame her for behaving this way?

After all, I was, quite obviously, a NOBODY.

How To Turn A Bully Into A Fool [Part 2 of 2]

/ Ally Bean / 63 Comments

[Part 1 of this childhood story is here.]

The next time Karl started hassling me was in class a few days later.

He sat a row in front of me and turned around to torment me, the quiet girl named Alice, by mocking my name in a sing-song fashion: “Alice in Wonderland, Alice in Wonderland.”

I was mad.

Following my father’s advice I turned to Karl and said loudly: “So who are you? The March Hare?”

As fate would have it, our teacher, Miss Thomas, a maiden lady [as they used to say to describe unmarried women over 50], was standing at the end of my row.

She was a known disciplinarian, seemingly devoid of whimsy.

However, my adult putdown of a kid who she knew was going to be trouble for years to come caught her off guard, and she burst out laughing.  At which point the rest of my class joined her in laughing at red-faced Karl, former bully turned class buffoon, thanks to a few well said words at the right time.

Thank you, Daddy.

From this experience I learned three valuable lessons that have stayed with me to this day:

  1. Words have power;
  2. If you can make people laugh, you can make a point;  and
  3. Bullies are weaklings who you can take down, one way or another, if you just apply yourself to making them look like fools in front of their peers.

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How To Turn A Bully Into A Fool [Part 1 of 2]

/ Ally Bean / 40 Comments

Watching The Donald make an ass of himself while attempting to intimidate Hillary reminded me of this story from my childhood.

My father, a genius, did not suffer fools easily.

He had zero patience for stupidity combined with malice.  It’s from him that I learned how to shut down anyone who gets out of hand by flaunting his or her willful ignorance &/or bad manners in my face.

Be forewarned.

However, as a kid I was not naturally inclined to defend myself.  You see, I was a shy, bookish child with poor coordination, no siblings, and thick eyeglasses.

Bullies used me for target practice, because I was physically weak and because I was a girl and because of my legal first name.

In the first few weeks of kindergarten one bully, Karl, an oversized-oaf with pale blond hair and a need to be noticed [sound like anyone in particular?], started bugging me on the playground and in the classroom.

I was upset and didn’t know what to do.

When I told my mother, an introvert, about what was going on she gave me her general advice about people: “just ignore ’em.”  This, as you can imagine, was of no help to me in this situation.

Kindergarten is not the time for taking the high road.

So I turned to my father.

He listened to my problem then told me exactly what to do.  I didn’t understand what he wanted me to do, but I knew, even at a young age, that this guy had a way of dealing with people, so I did exactly what he said.

[Tune in tomorrow for Part 2.]

I’m Where I Belong As Autumn Begins. And You?

/ Ally Bean / 58 Comments
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Take the “What State Do You Actually Belong In” quiz. Find out, for sure, where you belong. In case you’re unclear about this. Or you’re just looking for something to do. Which is how I stumbled upon this quiz. Which turned out to be spot on.

• • •

I’ve often thought that if you don’t like autumn around here, then there’s something dead in your soul.

I can understand not liking our gray, snowy winters. They are dreary and can sap your soul, requiring a certain kind of physical and mental strength that not everyone has.

That some years I don’t have. No problem, there. That I get.

But to not like fall here in Ohio?

That seems most peculiar to me, oh Autumn-haters.

• • •

img_0036Here’s what I mean.

Autumn is just beginning around here and already the weather has turned cooler, dropping into the 50s at night, and the humidity is gone.  I’m sleeping more soundly at night, windows open, and am wearing sweaters, or fleece, during the day.

A more alert me, and you, is good.

The leaves on the trees and bushes have yet to turn colors, but each day a few leaves fall onto the ground, a precursor of what is to come: bold colors, naked trees and clear blue skies by day + dark starry skies by night.

img_0035This will be good, just wait and see.

And what about the fact that fall ushers in HallowThanksMasNewYear, a time of endless candy, cookies, costumes, outfits, and decorations?  Hmmm?  Had you thought of that, oh Autumn-haters?

Sweetness and sparkle is good for all of us.

• • •

Obviously if you, oh Autumn-haters, insist on not liking this season, despite my thrown together well-reasoned and quickly written impassioned entreaty to change your mind, I will let it go.

Which, I do believe, now that I think about it, is the subtext of this entire season.

Don’t ‘ya know?  😉

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