Define Yourself

The Bean Abides

/ Ally Bean / 40 Comments
A Poem on the Occasion of the Beginning of my 12th Year in the Blogosphere

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I started small because I didn’t know,

What to expect from this blogging show.

My friends in real life ignored my blog dream,

It made me so mad that I wanted to scream.

But continuing on I wrote each day,

Knowing that others would head this way.

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My mantra simple, my goals were clear:

Give the readers a story to cheer.

“I will not whine, nor over-share,

I will show up and rarely swear.

I am authentic, I refuse to mock, 

I enjoy learning, and taking stock.”

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Perspicacious am I, willing to share,

Light of heart, but still I care.

Nuanced and nutty, in equal part,

I have been quirky, right from the start.

Stick-to-itiveness, I think you’ll agree,

Is the word that best describes me.

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Free-spirited, niche-less, with content well-written,

Yet editors varied with me are not smitten.

No Freshly Pressed badge, will you see here,

It seems what I write, they just do not hear.

But now gentle readers, in you I confide,

No matter what happens, the Bean will abide.

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A special thanks to la peregrina at Santiago Dreaming who’s been here with me from the beginning AND to Margaret at Stargazer who’s been around here for almost as long.  You both paid attention to me when no one else did– and helped me, a reserved introvert, gain the confidence to keep on writing.  Love you both.

[H/T to D. Parker at yadadarcyyada whose wonderful post “Why I Will Never Be Freshly Pressed” put me in a mind to write this poem.]

Day 5 Of My Self-Imposed So-Called Hermitic Existence

/ Ally Bean / 29 Comments

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[I’m not sure, but I think that Ms. Bean has finally cracked.]

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I’ve not left the house since Monday.  What with the white death and sub-zero temps outside I’ve chosen to become a hermit.  Sort of.

  • I see + talk with my husband every morning and night, so that would be un-hermetic.  Hermits don’t chat.  
  • I have no religious principles to underpin my decision to become a hermit, so that would be un-hermetic.  Hermits aren’t motivated by extreme weather avoidance.
  • I’ve groomed myself and have worn cheerful, colorful jammie bottoms + turtlenecks + Polartec tops, so that would be un-hermetic.  Hermits don’t look cute regardless of situation.

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[Do you suppose that Ms. Bean has become loopy and wordy because of lack of sleep?]

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I didn’t sleep well last night.  The weather forecasters predicted a low of -12ºF which we did experience.  Snuggled under the comforters I should have snoozed better, but the electricity went off in the whole subdivision.

I don’t know how long it was off, but when I awakened mid-snooze and realized that it was off, I trudged downstairs to open the cabinet doors under the kitchen sink so that the pipes wouldn’t freeze.  Then I checked the house temperature on the thermostat, which has a back-up battery.

It was 55ºF inside.

After that I went back upstairs, woke up Zen-Den to tell him the news, and tried to go back to sleep.  Sleep did not happen.  Operation Fret, however, ramped up and took over my mind.

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[Do you think that Ms. Bean, poor frozen darling, will make it through another day at home by herself?]

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I’m happy to report that the heat is on again.  I don’t know when it came back on, but it did.  We suburban hermits don’t need to know all the details about what keeps us warm.  We prefer to allow some mysteries to stay mysteries.

I’m sure that in years to come when I look back upon this week of frigid temps, boring days and heating mysteries, my mind will have turned it all into a positive memory, explained in glowing terms of self-reliance, creativity and personal growth.

Or some such nonsense.

But sitting here today, faced with another bitterly cold day of ho-hum, I’m more inclined to feel a need to whine about everything and everyone.  To discard any notions of bettering myself.  And to give in to the grumpy, enjoying it for all that it is.  *humph*

When Politeness Makes Me Uncomfortable

/ Ally Bean / 17 Comments

How hypocritical is it to thank someone for a kindness while simultaneously deciding to avoid him or her in the future?

This, I suspect, is an introvert problem.

Every so often I find myself in this situation with people who are nice enough people, but have values and ideas that don’t jive with my own.  Not outright bad people, mind you.  But people who wear me out with their limited thinking or inconsistent behavior.  Or incessant chatter.

Just too much, too much.

Each time I thank one of these people for his or her contribution/generosity/concern in regard to something or other, I feel uncomfortable.  This is because I know that in order to stay true to myself and my goals, I have no intention of maintaining a relationship with any of these people in the future.

That they are on the way out of my life.

However there I am, playing nice-y nice, and feeling like the pretense of each situation is an itchy old wool winter coat that I’ve outgrown, but have yet to give to Goodwill.  Leading me to conclude that what I’d describe as hypocrisy, like wool, makes me squirm, even when it is of my own doing.

I Will Not Let One Tulip Get Me Down

/ Ally Bean / 33 Comments

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I bought a bouquet of 20 tulips at Kroger because I like how graceful tulips look in a vase and because a bit of cheerful color in mid-winter is a good thing.  I put 17 of the tulips in a large vase and set it on our kitchen table.

Upbeat.

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Three of the tulips wouldn’t fit into the large vase so I put them in a smaller crystal bud vase and set the bud vase, on a saucer, on top of the chest of drawers in our bedroom.  I liked how the 3 tulips looked reflected in the mirror on the wall above the chest of drawers.

Artsy. 

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HOWEVER, a few hours later when I walked back into the bedroom I noticed that 1 tulip had given up.  Cracked under the weight of blooming.

Sure it was still a bit of cheerful color, but it was not working with the other tulips to create a tiny uplifting bouquet.  And I had the distinct impression that the Universe was messing with me via these 3 tulips.

 But you know what?  I didn’t care, so I left the tiny bouquet just as it was as a reminder that we all do what we can to make each day special & unique.  In our own way.  Regardless of what other people may want us to do.

N’est-ce pas? 

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