Introspection

When Politeness Makes Me Uncomfortable

/ Ally Bean / 17 Comments

How hypocritical is it to thank someone for a kindness while simultaneously deciding to avoid him or her in the future?

This, I suspect, is an introvert problem.

Every so often I find myself in this situation with people who are nice enough people, but have values and ideas that don’t jive with my own.  Not outright bad people, mind you.  But people who wear me out with their limited thinking or inconsistent behavior.  Or incessant chatter.

Just too much, too much.

Each time I thank one of these people for his or her contribution/generosity/concern in regard to something or other, I feel uncomfortable.  This is because I know that in order to stay true to myself and my goals, I have no intention of maintaining a relationship with any of these people in the future.

That they are on the way out of my life.

However there I am, playing nice-y nice, and feeling like the pretense of each situation is an itchy old wool winter coat that I’ve outgrown, but have yet to give to Goodwill.  Leading me to conclude that what I’d describe as hypocrisy, like wool, makes me squirm, even when it is of my own doing.

I Will Not Let One Tulip Get Me Down

/ Ally Bean / 33 Comments

DSCN4428

• • •

I bought a bouquet of 20 tulips at Kroger because I like how graceful tulips look in a vase and because a bit of cheerful color in mid-winter is a good thing.  I put 17 of the tulips in a large vase and set it on our kitchen table.

Upbeat.

• • •

Three of the tulips wouldn’t fit into the large vase so I put them in a smaller crystal bud vase and set the bud vase, on a saucer, on top of the chest of drawers in our bedroom.  I liked how the 3 tulips looked reflected in the mirror on the wall above the chest of drawers.

Artsy. 

• • •

HOWEVER, a few hours later when I walked back into the bedroom I noticed that 1 tulip had given up.  Cracked under the weight of blooming.

Sure it was still a bit of cheerful color, but it was not working with the other tulips to create a tiny uplifting bouquet.  And I had the distinct impression that the Universe was messing with me via these 3 tulips.

 But you know what?  I didn’t care, so I left the tiny bouquet just as it was as a reminder that we all do what we can to make each day special & unique.  In our own way.  Regardless of what other people may want us to do.

N’est-ce pas? 

• • •

DSCN4413

In Which Ms. Bean Does Not Give In To Curmudgeonliness

/ Ally Bean / 21 Comments

“Everybody makes their own fun. If you don’t make it yourself, it isn’t fun. It’s entertainment.”

~ David Mamet, State and Main

• • •

I WAS DRIVING BY A HIGH SCHOOL when I noticed that the kid in the car that had just pulled out in front of me, while obeying all appropriate rules of the road, had something written on his back window.  So when we got to a stoplight, I made sure that I was behind the car to see what it said.

It said: “Honk. I’m a Senior.”

I didn’t honk.  My first thought was that it seemed a tad premature to ask for external validation before you actually accomplish something like– oh, I don’t know— graduate from high school.  Earn a college degree or two.  Get a job.  Buy a house.  Fund your 401K.

• • •

BUT THEN AS I DROVE ALONG I had an unexpected change of heart when I realized what an old fogey I’d become.  I’m sure that when I was a kid in high school I would have thought that a message like the one on the car was clever + fun.

And it was harmless.

Of course by the time that I came to this conclusion, the kid in the car had turned onto a different road, so my opportunity to honk at him was gone.  But I have to thank him for reminding me that everybody needs a bit of moral support from time-to-time, and that asking for it is a good way to make your own fun.

Facebook Revisited: Like Leonard, I Proposed An Experiment

/ Ally Bean / 12 Comments

::  A few weeks ago I joined Facebook again. It had been about 5-6 years since I’d deleted my last account, so I was able to start fresh over there.  I used a different email address even.

No particular incident precipitated my decision to get involved again.  All I can say is that I was curious to see how people who I know are now using it, and how FB has changed over the years.  Re-joining was a bit of an experiment to see if I fit in over there, or not.

::  After years of blogging, my immediate impression of Facebook is, quite simply, it’s cute. Scrolling through all the status updates from my new [old?] FB friends, I feel like I’ve gone back in time to when blogs were brand new and everyone had a blog, even if they didn’t know what to do with the blog.

So far all the FB status updates that I’ve seen have been a few sentences long– &/or involved a photo– &/or shared a link.  They remind me of many early blog posts, before blogging became more focused + polished.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with these updates, but I find it difficult to know what to say about them.

::  In my first status update, I told FB to dazzle me.  And well, while the people who I’ve connected with are delightful, the system as a whole leaves me in mind of The Big Bang Theory episode about Leonard and Leslie’s experimental date kiss.

Which is to say that like Leslie’s evaluation of Leonard’s kiss, I’m finding FB to have: “reasonable technique, no extraneous spittle, but feeling no arousal at all.”  Meaning that it just might be that FB is not the place for me to shine.  And that’s okay by me.