Suburbia

A Tale In Which The Beans Triumph Over That Which Does Not Belong Inside Their House

/ Ally Bean / 241 Comments

Here’s a story, a snippet of life, that’s never happened here before. Please join me while I say a quiet prayer that it doesn’t happen again.

THE BEST WAY TO TELL this tale is to start by telling you that we have a new Oxo food strainer in the kitchen. There’s a reason for this purchase that I will share, BUT first I must explain what was going on at this house a few Saturday mornings ago.

To wit, if you happened to be driving by around 8:00 a.m. and noticed that Zen-Den in his plaid flannel pajama bottoms and white v-neck undershirt was running out the front door holding a food strainer at arm’s length in front of him, you might have been curious.

Further because you’re a person who pays attention you’d have noticed that he was barefoot as he darted through the front yard, making a hasty retreat to the back of the property where there is the big ole forest primeval.

A place where certain critters, alive or dead, belong.

Unlike the place inside our house where he and I found a certain live critter that did not belong.

• • •

YOU SEE WE FOUND a garden snake, about a foot long, slithering around the baseboards in our walk-in closet. I’m not a fan of snakes, albeit I understand they’re useful in the whole scheme of things and I’m cool with that as long as they are nowhere near me.

Or my clothes and shoes.

Particularly the idea of my shoes.

Which this snake may or may not have been in prior to being discovered.

At this point, my gentle readers and kind lurkers, you’re probably asking yourself two things: 1) HOW did this snake get into the house; and 2) WHAT did the Beans do about the situation.

I shall address these questions in the order asked.

• • •

HOW THIS HAPPENED: Because nothing goes smoothly for me, after about two years of dithering around and being indecisive about, we bought a new mattress: a Stearns & Foster Lux Estate with an adjustable base.

It is swanky and ever so comfortable.

However it’s heavy, thus requiring that the front door be open for a long time, many times, while the delivery men carefully carried the new mattress and then the frame into the house. Not to mention that the old mattress + box springs and its frame were taken out of the house through the same open front door.

We think that during the time the door was open, a garden snake who we’d seen living under a bush by the front door, decided to visit. It was hot and humid outside, cool and dark inside, so he decided to go on an adventure.

Which he did by sneaking into our house unnoticed.

Eventually making his way upstairs to our bedroom closet.

[I refuse to entertain the idea that the snake came in with the new mattress and frame. If that is so I’d be too freaked out to sleep on the new bed, so don’t even go there with that idea.]

• • •

WHAT WE DID: Upon discovering the snake in the closet the Beans, who you may remember are no strangers to unwanted critters inside their house, sprung into action. He went to the basement to get a wooden mallet out of his tool bucket while I went into the kitchen to get our food strainer.

His idea, smash it to smush. My idea, capture it in the strainer.

In the end we both prevailed.

Z-D was able to subdue the snake using the mallet to whack it on its head a few times. Then using the strainer I handed to him, he scooped up the probably dazed [but maybe dead] snake. He ran downstairs, out the front door, to the back of the property where he threw it into the woods.

Where I believe snakes belong.

• • •

OF COURSE ALL THAT’S LEFT to tell is the denouement of this tale.

Quite simply, once a snake, alive or dead, touches anything I use in the kitchen, that object is no longer welcome in my kitchen. Or as in this case anywhere inside the house.

Hence we tossed the old food strainer into the recycling bin and promptly bought its replacement.

Lending credence to the wisdom implied in the saying: out with the old, in with the new. 

QUESTIONS OF THE DAY

✅ What is the last largest purchase you made? What is the last smallest purchase you made? Was there a correlation between the two?

✅ When looking for a new mattress which of these variables have been or will be the most important to you:

  • price
  • comfort
  • brand name
  • immediate availability
  • free delivery of new mattress
  • free removal of old mattress
  • current frame will work
  • existing sheets will fit
  • warranty
  • other

✅ Had any unwanted guests lately? If so, how did you get them to leave? Was there DRAMA?

~ ~ • ~ ~

Look At That: Learning About Cicadas, Laughing About A Credit Card

/ Ally Bean / 232 Comments

The Educational Cicada Part – EEK!

SINCE MID-MAY WE’VE BEEN experiencing Cicada Brood 14 here. Cicadas are insects that emerge into the world on a 17 year cycle. It is their year to show up for 4 to 6 weeks then die.

Cicadas, who have beady orangish red eyes, come up out of the ground and climb on/cling to surfaces that have texture, like trees and bricks and screens. They are everywhere outside the house and when clinging to window screens they appear to be watching you inside.

Not creepy at all. 😳

• • •

• • •

WE ARE PEOPLE WHOSE backyard is a woods, thus the arrival of Brood 14 has not been a joyful experience.

I cannot confirm how joyful the cicadas may or may not be, but from their dramatic random flitting about during daylight hours I’d guess they’re happy enough. After all they are here to do one thing: to engage in amorous congress mate.

After mating the adults lay their eggs and the cicada babies (nymphs) hatch in 6 to 10 weeks. Then the nymphs will burrow into the ground where they’ll live until 17 years hence when they emerge.

While cicadas don’t swarm or sting or bite anything or anyone, they are noisy. As in daily highs of 80 decibels [the sound of a lawnmower] to 120 decibels [the sound of a motorcycle revving]. This is what the newspaper told me and I believe it.

It is deafening.

• • •

• • •

HOWEVER HERE’S THE THING about these intrusive bugs. Remember when we got the new deck and I spent about a year deciding which color of Trex to use so that the deck would look natural as if it was made from real wood from the trees in the forest primeval behind us?

Well apparently I succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. Come to find out Coastal Bluff, the color of our deck, is such a dead ringer for the tree trunks that cicadas love it.

In fact they find it the perfect place to hang out and do their aforementioned thing— then join the choir invisible drop dead.

All day long.

The Amusing Credit Card Part – WTF!

The other day Z-D walked down to the mailbox, dodging cicadas, and came back into the house laughing while holding up a Visa card. I didn’t understand what was going on because we don’t have Visa.

Welp, come to find out the large company he used to work for, the one he formally retired from in the fall of 2022, had sent him a corporate business credit card with a limit of $15,000.00!

Obviously this was a test of good moral character. 🙄

My first thought was, and try not to think less of me when I say this, a vacation in Hawaii would be nice. Or how about going to London, England, for a week? Yep, we could make good use of that credit card.

BUT WE DIDN’T.

Instead Z-D immediately emailed his former boss letting him know what he had in his hand, asking for guidance about what to do with it.

And eventually, about two weeks later, Zen-Den received a snail mail letter from large company that said [of course] don’t use it and destroy it immediately because there’s been a mistake!

‘Ya think?!!

• 🧡 •
Now it’s your turn to spill the beans.
What’s bugging you in your world today?
If a surprise $15,000.00 landed in your hands, through no malfeasance of your own, what would you think about doing with it?
Tell all in the comments below.
• 💵 •

How Fare Thee? Two Lighthearted Conversations + A Fast Test To Determine Your Stress

/ Ally Bean / 208 Comments
LAUGHING

A delightful former neighbor stays in touch. She moved across country and usually emails or texts, but one day she called me to talk.

Like old-timey friends.

In the process of catching up on who we each have stayed in touch with she asked me about, let’s call her, Martha.

While it’s been well over a decade since either heard from her directly, Martha is sometimes in the local news around here.

In fact I was able to explain to former neighbor that Martha, a state government employee, has been accused of failing to disclose a conflict of interest involving a  corporate lobbyist. She has denied the accusations, but resigned from her job.

Upon hearing this my former neighbor shouted, “she didn’t do it.”

I asked, “how do you know?”

“Because there’s no way she’d do anything illegal.” 

I persisted, “it’s been years since we talked with her, how can you be so sure? She may have changed. People do, you know.”

Former neighbor said, “because I sang with her in the church choir and no one in that group would ever do anything wrong.” 

To which I replied sarcastically, “well there you go! As we all know singing your heart out for Jesus is a valid legal defense against criminal accusations.”

As if!  🙄

LOVING

I overheard this.

While this isn’t the first time I’ve written about a kid who got lost in the bottom of the ravine behind our house, this succinct little plea for help charmed me. Girlfriend was NOT happy and knew exactly who was to blame for her predicament.

Here’s what happened. I walked into our kitchen at the back of the house around 5:00 p.m. The windows were open and I immediately heard a LOUD kid voice [maybe age 5 or 6?] shouting from below.

“Find me,” the voice said.

I stepped outside onto the deck to see if I could see who was shouting.

“Find… Me…,” the voice commanded.

Squinting through the leafy tree branches I looked down into the ravine, but couldn’t see anyone. However I could hear a small person whose tone of voice didn’t suggest panic, just increasing irritation with the adult powers that be.

“FIND ME!”

I was about to shout back when I heard a dad say, “Katelyn? Is that you?”

“FIND ME, NOW!” 

Picking up on the irritation in her voice I heard the dad start laughing as he asked, “where are you?”

Then in one of the best deadpan punchline deliveries ever our Miss Katelyn replied stating the obvious, “DOWN. HERE.”  

She sighed loudly implying, I believe, that it took all her effort to not say *DUH* to this dimwitted dad person whose job it is to rescue her from predicaments like this one.

And with that her father, still laughing so loudly I could hear him, maneuvered down the side of the ravine cheerfully saying, “I’ll get ‘ya!”

And he did. 🥰

LEARNING

I stumbled over this Psychology Today How Stressed Are You? Test and decided to answer the 20 questions.

From my test results I learned that I’m at 24/100 and the average is 59/100. This means I’m “Not stressed” which came as a surprise to me. Not that I’m jonesing to be more filled with stress, mind you— just that I thought I’d rate a higher score.

I feel a bit like an underachiever.

However, I attribute my relaxed attitude to the fact that FOR ONCE our annual spring home maintenance that requires 5 scheduled visits from 4 companies has happened WITHOUT INCIDENT. This means that the landscape beds and the lawn sprinkler system and the gutters and the windows and the AC system have been mulched or activated or cleared or cleaned or serviced BEFORE Memorial Day.

A personal best! 😃

QUESTIONS OF THE DAY

Do you know anyone who is currently in trouble with the law? Is or was that person part of a church choir?

Have you ever called out for someone to rescue you? If so, did someone rescue you?

Had or overheard any funny conversations lately? 

If you took the test how stressed does it say you are? Does this jive with how you feel?

~ ~ • ~ ~

Because You Asked: This Is How I Decide What To Write About In My Personal Blog

/ Ally Bean / 266 Comments

EARLY THE OTHER MORNING the 6:30 a.m. temp was 71º F and sitting outside in nature with my morning mug of coffee was my plan. It was too nice outside to not take advantage of it.

I told Z-D, I’m going to go outside and look at the moon I can’t see.

I sauntered outside onto the deck and plopped down on a chair. I looked up into the sky where a few wandering clouds obscured the bright waning gibbous moon, making the scene look indistinct and otherworldly.

I liked it.

• • •

Once upon a time a light-hearted blogger named KizzyLou created a blogging club for laid-back bloggers. She made personalized membership cards for everyone. This is mine.

• • •

THUS WHILE BASKING IN the hazy moonlight I began to contemplate what I could write about next on ye olde bloggy. I was feeling woo-woo in the moment, allowing my mind to attend to whatever floated into it.

Point of fact, I usually have an idea about what I’ll be talking about before I sit down to write it. I rarely do stream of consciousness posts wherein my unedited disjointed thoughts spill out. Instead I lean into thinking beforehand about what specifically I’ll be going on about, then sit down and write – edit – rewrite – edit – edit some more – then publish.

Don’t bore us, get to the chorus!

[The subtext of how I write everything here.]

Of course as a blogger who primarily writes a character-driven blog the foregoing makes sense. I adore reading plot-driven blogs, which seem to be more the done thing now, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling y’all everything I do in a linear Dear Diary approach to personal blogging.

You would yawn.

Instead I allow what happens within me to be the catalyst for blog posts creating what has been described as an old-fashioned newspaper Lifestyle Column approach to personal blogging.

[More information on the difference between plot-driven versus character-driven HERE.]

• • •

Currently WordPress explains who writes & edits this blog as a team of one— meaning I’m chief cook and bottle washer.

• • •

HENCE I SHOW UP to my blog ready to answer the question “What up Buttercup?” not with the exact details of my daily life, but with my subjective thoughts & feelings gleaned, then noted, whilst living my midwest suburban life.

Thoughts that I hope are not stupid, tedious, or pedantic.

Because those, my little moonbeams, are my nagging fears as a personal blogger who’s been writing a blog for decades now— and who would have thought I’d have lasted this long‽

QUESTIONS OF THE DAY

If you write a personal blog, do you generally favor a plot-driven or character-driven approach to your blog?

How do you decide what you’ll write about next?

What worries you about how your blog posts will be received? Do you have any small nagging fears like I do? Or maybe some large ones I haven’t thought of?

Any other questions you’d like to ask me about personal blogging?

~ ~ 🔹 ~ ~