A Tale In Which The Beans Triumph Over That Which Does Not Belong Inside Their House

July 15, 2025 / Ally Bean / 241 Comments

Here’s a story, a snippet of life, that’s never happened here before. Please join me while I say a quiet prayer that it doesn’t happen again.

Artwork by Prawny via Pixabay

THE BEST WAY TO TELL this tale is to start by telling you that we have a new Oxo food strainer in the kitchen. There’s a reason for this purchase that I will share, BUT first I must explain what was going on at this house a few Saturday mornings ago.

To wit, if you happened to be driving by around 8:00 a.m. and noticed that Zen-Den in his plaid flannel pajama bottoms and white v-neck undershirt was running out the front door holding a food strainer at arm’s length in front of him, you might have been curious.

Further because you’re a person who pays attention you’d have noticed that he was barefoot as he darted through the front yard, making a hasty retreat to the back of the property where there is the big ole forest primeval.

A place where certain critters, alive or dead, belong.

Unlike the place inside our house where he and I found a certain live critter that did not belong.

• • •

YOU SEE WE FOUND a garden snake, about a foot long, slithering around the baseboards in our walk-in closet. I’m not a fan of snakes, albeit I understand they’re useful in the whole scheme of things and I’m cool with that as long as they are nowhere near me.

Or my clothes and shoes.

Particularly the idea of my shoes.

Which this snake may or may not have been in prior to being discovered.

At this point, my gentle readers and kind lurkers, you’re probably asking yourself two things: 1) HOW did this snake get into the house; and 2) WHAT did the Beans do about the situation.

I shall address these questions in the order asked.

• • •

HOW THIS HAPPENED: Because nothing goes smoothly for me, after about two years of dithering around and being indecisive about, we bought a new mattress: a Stearns & Foster Lux Estate with an adjustable base.

It is swanky and ever so comfortable.

However it’s heavy, thus requiring that the front door be open for a long time, many times, while the delivery men carefully carried the new mattress and then the frame into the house. Not to mention that the old mattress + box springs and its frame were taken out of the house through the same open front door.

We think that during the time the door was open, a garden snake who we’d seen living under a bush by the front door, decided to visit. It was hot and humid outside, cool and dark inside, so he decided to go on an adventure.

Which he did by sneaking into our house unnoticed.

Eventually making his way upstairs to our bedroom closet.

[I refuse to entertain the idea that the snake came in with the new mattress and frame. If that is so I’d be too freaked out to sleep on the new bed, so don’t even go there with that idea.]

• • •

WHAT WE DID: Upon discovering the snake in the closet the Beans, who you may remember are no strangers to unwanted critters inside their house, sprung into action. He went to the basement to get a wooden mallet out of his tool bucket while I went into the kitchen to get our food strainer.

His idea, smash it to smush. My idea, capture it in the strainer.

In the end we both prevailed.

Z-D was able to subdue the snake using the mallet to whack it on its head a few times. Then using the strainer I handed to him, he scooped up the probably dazed [but maybe dead] snake. He ran downstairs, out the front door, to the back of the property where he threw it into the woods.

Where I believe snakes belong.

• • •

OF COURSE ALL THAT’S LEFT to tell is the denouement of this tale.

Quite simply, once a snake, alive or dead, touches anything I use in the kitchen, that object is no longer welcome in my kitchen. Or as in this case anywhere inside the house.

Hence we tossed the old food strainer into the recycling bin and promptly bought its replacement.

Lending credence to the wisdom implied in the saying: out with the old, in with the new.

QUESTIONS OF THE DAY

✅ What is the last largest purchase you made? What is the last smallest purchase you made? Was there a correlation between the two?

✅ When looking for a new mattress which of these variables have been or will be the most important to you:

price
comfort
brand name
immediate availability
free delivery of new mattress
free removal of old mattress
current frame will work
existing sheets will fit
warranty
other

✅ Had any unwanted guests lately? If so, how did you get them to leave? Was there DRAMA?

~ ~ • ~ ~

Look At That: Learning About Cicadas, Laughing About A Credit Card

June 17, 2025July 2, 2025 / Ally Bean / 232 Comments

The Educational Cicada Part – EEK!

SINCE MID-MAY WE’VE BEEN experiencing Cicada Brood 14 here. Cicadas are insects that emerge into the world on a 17 year cycle. It is their year to show up for 4 to 6 weeks then die.

Cicadas, who have beady orangish red eyes, come up out of the ground and climb on/cling to surfaces that have texture, like trees and bricks and screens. They are everywhere outside the house and when clinging to window screens they appear to be watching you inside.

Not creepy at all. 😳

• • •

WE ARE PEOPLE WHOSE backyard is a woods, thus the arrival of Brood 14 has not been a joyful experience.

I cannot confirm how joyful the cicadas may or may not be, but from their dramatic random flitting about during daylight hours I’d guess they’re happy enough. After all they are here to do one thing: to ~~engage in amorous congress~~ mate.

After mating the adults lay their eggs and the cicada babies (nymphs) hatch in 6 to 10 weeks. Then the nymphs will burrow into the ground where they’ll live until 17 years hence when they emerge.

While cicadas don’t swarm or sting or bite anything or anyone, they are noisy. As in daily highs of 80 decibels [the sound of a lawnmower] to 120 decibels [the sound of a motorcycle revving]. This is what the newspaper told me and I believe it.

It is deafening.

• • •

HOWEVER HERE’S THE THING about these intrusive bugs. Remember when we got the new deck and I spent about a year deciding which color of Trex to use so that the deck would look natural as if it was made from real wood from the trees in the forest primeval behind us?

Well apparently I succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. Come to find out Coastal Bluff, the color of our deck, is such a dead ringer for the tree trunks that cicadas love it.

In fact they find it the perfect place to hang out and do their aforementioned thing— then ~~join the choir invisible~~ drop dead.

All day long.

The Amusing Credit Card Part – WTF!

The other day Z-D walked down to the mailbox, dodging cicadas, and came back into the house laughing while holding up a Visa card. I didn’t understand what was going on because we don’t have Visa.

Welp, come to find out the large company he used to work for, the one he formally retired from in the fall of 2022, had sent him a corporate business credit card with a limit of $15,000.00!

Obviously this was a test of good moral character. 🙄

My first thought was, and try not to think less of me when I say this, a vacation in Hawaii would be nice. Or how about going to London, England, for a week? Yep, we could make good use of that credit card.

BUT WE DIDN’T.

Instead Z-D immediately emailed his former boss letting him know what he had in his hand, asking for guidance about what to do with it.

And eventually, about two weeks later, Zen-Den received a snail mail letter from large company that said [of course] don’t use it and destroy it immediately because there’s been a mistake!

‘Ya think?!!

• 🧡 •

Now it’s your turn to spill the beans.

**What’s bugging you in your world today?**

**If a surprise $15,000.00 landed in your hands, through no malfeasance of your own, what would you think about doing with it?**

Tell all in the comments below.

• 💵 •

Love Many, Trust Few: 7 Random Things To Tell You On A Tuesday In May

May 6, 2025May 6, 2025 / Ally Bean / 246 Comments

As they say: Love many, Trust few, Always paddle your own canoe

1 – I am vexed. I was a fan of Tetris when it first came out, became pretty darned good at it on my Game Boy, so when I stumbled over 368 Chickens I was enthusiastic. But this free little online game is impossible to win and I resent this. I keep trying to get to the goal, zero chickens, but consistently fail. Apparently this game, like many things in life, is designed to frustrate more than empower.

2 – I am laughing. I’ve wondered about the origins of Pantone, the company that decides which colors are THE ones we’ll be seeing and wearing everywhere during a year. Here’s an infographic explaining the company’s history plus adds a few suggestions for *revised* color names. For example, I adore a shade of blue renamed from Classic Blue to Postman’s Trouser. A better name, yes?

3 – I am unsettled. I used BookRaid AI’s Title Generator, followed by their Pen Name Generator, then their Book Plot Generator to see what artificial intelligence would tell me about writing a fiction book. The experience was unnerving because the suggestions were almost instantaneous, the ideas weren’t bad, and the plot was believable enough.

Thus a head’s up: if you see Violet Whitley’s children’s book called Paws and Claws: Unraveling the Mystery of the Wall Destroyer, A Story about Mittens and Whiskers, Feline Detectives, you’ll know it was *written* by me.

4 – I am excited. On my radar is the May 8th return of the TV series, Poker Face. Starring Natasha Lyonne as detective Charlie Cale this show’s first season was wonderful and that’s no bull shit. It’s well-paced, quirky, and off-the-wall in a good way, just the kind of entertainment to keep me upbeat.

5 – I am nerdy. I find typography interesting and enjoy punctuation so when Zen-Den saw a copy of AN ADMIRABLE POINT, A Brief History of the Exclamation Point! he bought it for me. [Thank you Zen-Den.] The book describes itself as reclaiming “the exclamation point from its much-maligned place at the bottom of the punctuation hierarchy.” Reading along in this witty little book I have to admit that I’m now a recovering punctuation snob who will henceforth adopt a more respectful attitude toward exclamation points!!!

6 – I am amused. According to the results of an online survey sometimes grandparents do not like their grandchildren’s names feeling the names are “ugly, old-fashioned, weird.” This can be problematic. The top hated names are Aurora, Charlotte, Elijah, Finn, Jack, Lindsay, Noah, Sally, and Tabitha.

For what it’s worth as a child-free woman I like those names and have never taken issue with my friends’ kids’ names. Although I have wondered [quietly to myself] about unusual spellings of names: a Candace spelled Candyce OR a Dana spelled Dhana. Seems like you’re burdening your child with a lifetime of correcting everyone about how to spell their first name.

7 – I am contemplative. Years ago, as an adjunct to determining what I am grateful for at the end of each day, I began answering the question: what have I learned today? I ask myself this question every night, sometimes surprised by my answers. I do this because I find that framing my life as an ongoing learning experience prompts me to keep engaged in life itself.

QUESTIONS OF THE DAY

Have you ever played Tetris? Have you watched Poker Face? How do you goof off in your free time?

Do you believe, like I do, that the naming of colors is a career you were meant for but never found?

Does the mere existence of AI make you mutter and start to get twitchy?

Thinking about children’s names, have you ever disliked a child’s name so much that you voiced an opinion about it? How did that work out for ‘ya?

What have you learned today?

• + • + • + •

A Chance Encounter In The Cereal Aisle, An Unexpected Act Of Probably Legal Kindness

February 18, 2025 / Ally Bean / 219 Comments

Something weird happened. Please allow me to explain.

A few weeks ago on a Sunday afternoon Zen-Den and I were shopping in Kroger. It was busy but not chaotic, for the most part shoppers were aware of each other. In fact the biggest annoyances were the extra temporary displays clogging the aisles.

Thus it was a slow process going up and down the aisles, but we weren’t in a hurry so we moseyed happily along, Z-D pushing the cart, me following behind him.

In the cereal aisle we came to a full stop when we encountered a couple in their 70s who were looking for one particular cereal. They’d abandoned their cart in the middle of the aisle and, with paper coupon in hand, were laser-focused on finding the right cereal on the shelf, wherever it might be.

We just smiled and waited.

Eventually they found their cereal and looked up to see us standing there, unperturbed. The woman, who was wearing a sweatshirt that said “You Are Enough,” apologized to us for holding up traffic.

No problem say we and go on our way continuing to shop.

• • •

Eventually we got what we needed and went to stand in line to use the U-scan machines. After a few minutes we scored a machine and went to it.

Doing our usual grocery shopping two-step, I handed the items to Z-D. He then scanned and bagged them.

Welp, while we were doing this I noticed the older couple was now in line for the U-scans. Then kind of out of nowhere the “You Are Enough” sweatshirt woman walks up to Z-D, who is in the process of weighing fruit, and says: “Excuse me sir, these are for you.”

At which point she hands a surprised Zen-Den three flowers [seen in the photo at the top of this post]. He looks at me, like I should have a clue about why this is happening, but I shrug.

Beats me.

So he thanks her while taking the flowers that he then hands to me. She smiles and goes back to standing in line with her husband by their cart of unpaid for groceries and a bouquet of flowers.

We finish checking out, pay for our stuff, and walk out of the store with me holding what was TECHNICALLY, from a strictly legal perspective was probably, STOLEN MERCHANDISE because at that minute while we walked to our car the flowers hadn’t been purchased by the older couple who was still standing in line waiting to buy them.

I hope.