5 Truths & A Lie

November 22, 2013February 27, 2015 / Ally Bean / 21 Comments

[I got the idea for this post from Rara at Rarasaur; her answers are here. She got the idea for her post from Jen at Sips of Jen and Tonic; her answers are here. Go visit them both. You’ll like ’em.]

• • •

Here’s what I’m doing. It’s a bit of a game. I’m going to tell you a few things about me: 5 things will be truthful, 1 thing will be a lie. Depending on how closely you’ve been paying attention to me all these years you’ll know the lie immediately. Or not.

Whoever correctly figures out which statement is a lie, will win the opportunity to either: 1) be a guest poster on this blog; or 2) have me write a haiku about you that’ll be posted on this blog. Your choice.

Ready? Here goes.

• • •

1. THE HUBSTER proposed to me in the parking lot of a bakery. He had no ring with him. All he said was: “so when do you want to get married?” And that was that.

2. I PLAYED the violin when I was a girl. I learned in a Suzuki method class [which means by ear, not by written music]. While I never excelled at playing the violin I did make it to state regional orchestra level one year. I was the last seat. And I hated the experience.

3. WE LIVE in a hilly area in a home built on a wooded ravine lot. Once upon a time we purchased 200 tons of dirt so that we could create a backyard. It was a messy project, but now we have a lower level terrace instead of the forest primeval.

4. I DRIVE a gray SUV. I named him Bullwinkle because of his color [which Lexus says is blue, but they’re wrong]. He’s not a new vehicle, but he gets me where I need to go.

5. I’M NOT a fan of the traditional Thanksgiving Day dinner. I’ve made my share of them over the years and they were delicious, but I’d rather have a good steak with a baked potato for dinner than turkey + all that carbohydrate crap.

6. I HAVE narrow feet, as in women’s AA shoes. This is more of a problem than you might initially imagine because there are very, very, very few AA shoes available. The result of this is that I keep my shoes forever and am usually forced to wear a pair of “so out of date you have no idea what decade they came from” shoes.

• • •

A City Girl’s Random Musings On Goats

August 8, 2013October 18, 2017 / Ally Bean / 17 Comments

:: This morning when I read this article about the Congressional Cemetery in Washington, D.C., using goats to clear a field of poisonous weeds, I knew that it was going to be a good day. Is this the best idea ever?

Probably yes.

:: Thinking about goats reminded me of a wonderful graduation party that we went to earlier this summer. The graduation girl was a graduate of a rural high school, so the party was at her parents’ house out in the country.

Many of the guests were farmers and at one point the conversation turned to goats. Show goats, to be exact. [Did you even know there was such a thing? I didn’t.]

Come to find out, 4-H kids raise and groom certain goats with the right disposition and the right looks to be show goats. These goats are somewhat pampered as I understand it. Loved by one and all. Winners of ribbons. Indulged. And kept around the farm as pets, not livestock.

An important distinction when you are an animal on a farm.

:: I have a goat necklace from Switzerland. Really. I’ve always liked goats. So when I was a girl in high school my aunt and uncle sent me a silver goat necklace purchased while vacationing in Europe. I don’t know where that necklace is now, but I’m sure that it’s around the house somewhere.

Misplaced, but not forgotten.

:: Not too far from here is a dairy that has cows as well as a few goats. Beside the goat barn is a machine that for 25¢ dispenses goat chow. [Yes, just like cat chow or monkey chow or dog chow.] One of my favorite things to do in life is to buy a handful of goat chow and feed the goats. Their little goat lips tickle the palm of your hand as they nibble. And they are always appreciative of what you have to offer them to eat.

So fun, so cute.

Shopping For Make-Up: Plain Jane Vs. The Kabuki Woman

July 23, 2013 / Ally Bean / 25 Comments

I’m not a fan of make-up. I think that the stuff is overrated, but I bow to social custom and use a little of it*.

I believe that for me THE NATURAL LOOK IS ALWAYS BEST**.

Combine the foregoing with the fact that when provoked I will say what I’m really thinking— and you get the following conversation between me, Plain Jane, and the sales associate, Kabuki Woman, at the Bobbi Brown counter in Nordstrom***.

~ • ~

Plain Jane: (approaching the make-up counter) Hi!

Kabuki Woman: (looking blankly at me) Yes.

Plain Jane: (continuing on, ignoring her disinterested tone of voice) Yes, hello. I need to get some Bobbi Brown eye shadow. Would you be able to help me please?

Kabuki Woman: (sighing at the injustice of having to wait on me) Yes.

Plain Jane: (fully aware that I am staring at this woman’s ghostly white face + overdone eye make-up, but unable to look away) Ah, yes. I need Sable & Ivory, please. I looked them up online before I came in and I think that those would be the most neutral colors for me. What do you think?

Kabuki Woman: (glaring at me with loathing while making a dismissive gesture with her hand) They’ll be fine… on YOU.

Plain Jane: (hearing my mother’s voice in my head say: “young lady, you go upstairs right now and wash that stuff off your face so that we can see how pretty you really are”) And I need a lip liner pencil. I wear Clinique Spicy Honey Almost Lipstick and I want the pencil to blend with my lips and be natural.

Kabuki Woman: (fixating on me with a fiery hot hatred, snarling her overly pigmented red lips) You’re supposed to see the lip liner when you wear it. You can look at these here. All of them are neutrals. Just pick one. They’ll all work.

Plain Jane: (getting steamed, wondering why I hadn’t gone to Sephora where the nice gay man with too much eyeliner had helped me just a week ago) Well, I think it should be a little bit better than: IT’LL WORK. Which one do I use?

Kabuki Woman: (starting to look a bit red underneath her ghostly white face) ANY… OF… THEM…

Plain Jane: (saying what I had been thinking the whole time) Look, I HATE MAKE-UP AND SHOPPING FOR IT IS WHY. I just want someone else to figure it out for me. SO WHICH ONE DO I BUY? I want to look natural.

Kabuki Woman: (shocked into actually doing something) Use this one, Bobbi Brown Brownie Pink.

Plain Jane: (making a mental note to join a convent where no one expects women to wear make-up so that I never have to suffer through this again) Thank you.

Kabuki Woman: (tottering away from me as fast as possible on her slutty high heels without so much as a thank you or a goodbye) You can pay over there.

~ THE END ~

~ • ~

*Interesting. “Would We Feel Better Without Makeup? One Woman’s Modesty Experiment”

**Adorable. “Sloth Gets Her Makeup Done Before The ‘Today’ Show (PHOTO)“

***Useful. Bobbi Brown Website

I’m Beginning To Think That I Like Pink

June 18, 2013February 3, 2015 / Ally Bean / 21 Comments

If you were to ask me if I liked pink, I’d tell you that I did not.

However, the other day when Greg, the landscaper, was here chatting with me about our next big project, he started talking about color. He was taking notes about my vague ideas about what I wanted him to do next in the flower beds out front along the sidewalk leading up to the front door.

• • •

He asked me what colors I wanted to see along there. I told him no pink.

Being the polite sort of man that he is, he merely raised one eyebrow and tilted his head in about five different directions. My eyes followed where he was subtly pointing.

And what did I see? Oh pots & pots of pink flowers and many pink rose bushes. All over the property. Uh huh.

• • •

After I stopped laughing at myself, I looked over at him. He said nothing but held up his pad of paper on which he’d written one word. In very large letters. And the word was: PINK. The color that we’ll be seeing along the front sidewalk.

The color that, apparently, I like.