Conversations

Married Life: Of Wordplay And Lettuce

/ Ally Bean / 23 Comments

In case you were thinking I was just another blogging floozy, let me share with you, my gentle readers, the following conversation in which my wordsmith-y skills came in pretty darned handy.  Score one point for Team Wife.

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HUSBAND, aka chubby hubby, getting up off sofa, declaring loudly on his way to bed: BE A SHARK, NEVER STOP MOVING.

ME, laughing: You look nothing like a shark.  There’s no sharkness about you.  I think you should say…

HUSBAND, trying to look stern: DON’T YOU DARE SAY IT.

ME, coyly: Say what?

HUSBAND, grumpy: Beached whale.  Don’t tell me I look like a BEACHED WHALE.  Or Santa Claus.

ME, sincerely: That’s not what I was going to say.  You don’t look anything like Santa, you don’t have a white beard… yet.

HUSBAND, irritated, but curious: What were you going to say?

ME, smiling: I was going to say: BE A MANATEE, NEVER STOP GROOVING.

HUSBAND, sighing: Huh?  I don’t want to be a manatee.

ME, cheerful: Why?  They’re cute.  And groovy.

HUSBAND, defeated: Because all they eat is lettuce.  I DON’T WANNA ALWAYS EAT LETTUCE.  Forever.

ME, attempting to be empathetic but failing miserably due to a fit of giggles: Yes, I can see that’s true already.

# # #

Our conversation, more or less about lettuce, reminded me of this, my favorite Simpsons quote, which seems like the perfect way to end this rather ridiculous blog post about, of all things, lettuce.

A Conversation In Which I Learn Something About E-book Readers, I Guess

/ Ally Bean / 37 Comments

Make no assumptions…

IT’S BEEN STORMY here this week.  Some days the sky has been as dark at 11:00 a.m. as it is at 11:00 p.m.  This weather phenomenon has been the talk wherever I go.

As you would imagine.

ONE THING THAT I’ve learned during these exceptionally dark mid-days is that my Kindle Paperwhite does what it claims that it’ll do.  That is, it automatically adjusts to the changing light conditions, making reading an easy pleasant experience.

I’m rather impressed by this.

SO I’M CHIT-CHATTING with two acquaintances, a man and a woman both in their early 50s.  And I mention, in passing, as a way of having something topical to say, that I’ve enjoyed my Kindle during these dark days.  And both of my acquaintances said: “what’s a Kindle?”

They did not know about e-book readers.  Any of them.

I WAS STUNNED, and started trying to explain what a Kindle is– what e-book readers are– how you use them– the different brands of them.  Et cetera, et cetera.  But while I talked, hoping to inform, these two seemingly normal people just stared at me like I was talking Martian gibberish.  Which to them, I was.

Can you even imagine? 

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[Hello FTC!  Please note: I’m opining here about an object that I bought with my own monies and just happen to like.  I received no compensation of any sort for this review, such as it is.  I mean really, who would pay me to say this?]

In Which I Converse With A Stranger Whilst Thinking Of One Particular Emoticon

/ Ally Bean / 24 Comments

Screen Shot 2014-07-14 at 2.16.28 PM

WHILE WAITING AT HONDA in the customer service area for my car to be repaired, a stylish 60-something woman spotted me reading my book, sat down beside me and started chatting.

That’s what they all do the minute they see me. They start talking.

She told me more than I wanted to know about her: she was retired, single, living on a fixed income, buying her sheets at one department store but her towels at a different one, preferred olive oil from upscale cooking stores rather than the grocery, and watched [nameless] funny TV shows each night.

# # #

COME TO FIND OUT, this woman had brought her car into Honda Service, without an appointment, because the remote transmitter battery in her car’s key was failing.  The battery needed to be replaced.

To me, this seemed simple enough. To her, however, this was a big deal.  

What this woman did not seem to understand was that even when the battery part of her key went dead, she could still insert the key into the car lock and turn the key manually to open the car door.

# # #

NO, SHE THOUGHT THAT when the car key battery went dead she’d have to have the car towed from who knows where and replace the whole lock– which was going to cost hundreds of dollars.

So there I sat a victim of chit-chat overload, dumbfounded by what I’d heard. Somewhat baffled, almost wordless.  

I was about to explain to her how locks work when the service department called her name indicating that they had completed her repair.  So I said “good-bye” and was left to wonder why it is that the clueless people find me– even when I’m minding my own business, they. find. me.  O_o

In Which We Learn The Secret To Longevity According To My Husband

/ Ally Bean / 14 Comments

~ An early morning conversation between husband [HIM] & wife [ME] that took place in our bathroom ~

HIM:  { stepping out of the shower, drying off, looking in my direction }  You look pretty.

ME:  { awake for less than 15 seconds, standing in front of the mirror, looking at the crazy mess that is my curly hair pre-styling }  Huh?

HIM:  { hanging up his towel }  Your hair looks pretty like that.

ME:  { wondering why I am being forced to converse before my first cup of coffee }  Huh!

HIM:  { looking into the mirror, starting to comb his straight wet hair }  I know that you think that I’m being facetious when I say that you look pretty, but I’m not.

ME:  { using a scrunchie, pulling the top portion of my bobbed hair up into a vertical straggly looking ponytail-esque style good enough for going downstairs to get a cup of coffee }  Huh.

HIM:  { applying shaving cream to his face, looking like Father Time }  And do you know why I’m not being facetious when I say that you look pretty?  It’s because…

ME:  { distracted while searching for my eyeglasses }  What?

HIM:  { looking into the mirror, starting to shave his face while chuckling at his supposed cleverness }  …I don’t know what “facetious” means, so I can’t be saying anything facetious.

ME:  { finally realizing that I’m going to have to talk to him because he’s so full of it }  So if you don’t know what a word means when you use it, then when a doctor tells you that you have some sort of disease that you’ve never heard of, you won’t have it because you don’t know what it is?!!!

HIM:  { stopping mid-shave, looking at me, pontificating upon his brilliance }  Yep.  That’s it exactly.  That’s how I’m going to live to be one hundred: if I don’t know what it is, I can’t get it.  Ignorance is the key to good health.

ME:  { putting on my slippers, leaving the bathroom in search of coffee }  Well then, you’ve nailed that ignorance part.  Enjoy your long life.  I hope you and your second wife will be happy together.

~ The End ~