Grumbling

Wherein I Tell The IRS Story My Way

/ Ally Bean / 18 Comments

Here’s a glimpse into what my life is like.  

Three lawyers [husband, friend and acquaintance] all listened to me tell this story and all three of them told me I had it wrong.  

Yet I maintain that this is what happened to us, so I’m going to tell this story my way because this is my blog and I’m a pragmatist who says that:

if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it’s a duck.  

• • •

Curious about what happened to us?  Well, here’s how I see it:

  • We received a letter from the IRS telling us they needed information re: one piece of one tax return.
  • We [and by “we” I mean Z-D, obviously] found this piece of information and sent it to the IRS.
  • We received another letter from the IRS saying that they had received the information and that they’d be in touch to tell us what was going to happen next.    

Now people, I am not new to the IRS and their ways.  This is how it all started years ago when we were audited by the IRS.

So I think that you’ll agree with me, A NON-LAWYER, when I say that: we’re being audited by the IRS.  I say this because the definition for the word “audit” is: “an official inspection of accounts.”  [Look it up, boys.]

And what exactly is the IRS asking of us?  Why my goodness gracious,  they want to inspect our account.  Ergo, I say that if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then. it’s. a. duck.

* quack, quack *

We’re being audited.

 

4 Grouchy Reasons Why April Is My Least Favorite Month

/ Ally Bean / 28 Comments

•  I’m allergic to April.  The pollen from the trees makes me itch & sneeze.  The mold spores, that magically appear after the snow melts, make me itch & sneeze.  And the dust mites?  Don’t even get me started.  They’re everywhere I want to be outside, like on the porch furniture and terra-cotta pots and the mailbox.  Everywhere I tell you.

•  I’m not a fan of Easter because the stupid holiday moves around the calendar and as much as I try to be a good sport about it, this behavior seems rude to me.  Easter, just pick a Sunday and stick with it.  That way I’d have a clue about when to buy a ham and some asparagus– maybe a pineapple, too.  But as it now stands Easter’s laissez-faire attitude thwarts me, and I rarely manage to make a special holiday dinner.

•  I’m not thrilled with the whole “pay your taxes” part of April.  While I’m happy to be an American citizen and understand why I’m paying taxes, doing so does tend to make me a bit grouchy.  I think that it does for everyone, but maybe not.  Perhaps there’s some whack-a-doodle who enjoys giving money to the government.  Probably has her own reality TV show, too.

•  And my final reason for not liking April is that I have to acknowledge that my pasty white legs, which are getting chubbier every year, look more and more like uncooked bratwursts.  During the fall and winter I can hide my legs, but every April when I put on my first pair of shorts for the year I discover that my legs look awful– and it comes as a shock to me every single time.  *humph*

• • •

• • •

Grouches of the world unite!
Stand up for your grouchly rights!
Don’t let the sunshine spoil your rain
Just stand up and complain.

Let this be the grouches’ cause:
Point out everybody’s flaws!
Something is wrong with everything
Except the way I sing!

• • •

Sclerotherapy: Wearing Pantyhose, Feeling Pincushion-y

/ Ally Bean / 20 Comments

I’m writing this post as I sit here wearing, of all things, pantyhose under my jammies.  Not just any pantyhose, mind you.  No, I have on light compression pantyhose in a most peculiar, unnatural shade called, Suntan Beige.

The reason for this deviant pantyhose-wearing behavior is that I had sclerotherapy on my legs.   And once one has this voluntary, cosmetic, medical procedure, one must wear support pantyhose, of any color, for two weeks afterward.

# # #

For those of you fortunate enough to not have pasty white vein-y legs, I’ll explain what sclerotherapy is.  You’ve probably never heard of it before.  Lucky ducks.

Sclerotherapy, which involves a trained medical professional with a  sharp needle + saline solution, is a way to permanently remove spider veins & varicose veins from your legs.  Doctors have done it since the 1930s, so this is nothing new.

WebMD describes the procedure thusly:

“In most cases of sclerotherapy, the salt solution is injected through a very fine needle directly into the vein. At this point, you may experience mild discomfort and cramping for one to two minutes, especially when larger veins are injected. The procedure itself takes approximately 15 to 30 minutes.”

While the above description is technically correct, what it fails to make clear is that sclerotherapy is not just one injection, it is many injections during the 15 to 30 minutes.  

# # #

Meaning, quite simply, that one becomes a human pincushion during this procedure.  And while I’m the first to admit that it doesn’t hurt per se, it is damned annoying to be jabbed [oh say, 50 times] with a sharp little needle.

So it is at this point in my life that I find myself this morning.  I’m squished inside a hideous pair of pantyhose, wondering how long it’ll be before the memory of this procedure floats out of my mind.  And my legs look wunderbar.

Only time will tell I guess.      

The Saga Of My Search For Incandescent Lightbulbs

/ Ally Bean / 33 Comments

True confessions time.  I’m an incandescent lightbulb hoarder.  I lurve normal lightbulbs.  Soft white glow.  Roundish with an Edison base.  Retro.

Judge me IF you must.

• • •

Here is part of my incandescent lightbulb collection.

Here is part of my incandescent lightbulb collection.

 

• • •

So during these waning days of incandescent lightbulb availability, off I go to buy 25 Watt lightbulbs to replace the ones in the outdoor light fixture that provides light onto our deck.  

As you can imagine, they were almost impossible to find.  And when, after searching through 3 stores, I did find them at The Home Depot, I had to use the do-it-yourself checkout station… which didn’t work.

The screen was FROZEN.

• • •

It was at this point in my search for incandescent lightbulbs that I became the pawn of the woman responsible for the do-it-yourself checkout area.  And things became a bit difficult.

First, she didn’t believe that my screen wouldn’t work, so she tried seven times to make it go.  At this she failed.

Then when it was clear to her that my screen was, indeed, frozen,  she decided to ring up my purchase of $8.91 at her central register and have me hand her my $10.00 bill.  At this point in the transaction my frozen-screened do-it-yourself checkout station was to give me my change.

This would have been a great idea IF she had correctly entered $10.00 into her register, BUT she didn’t.

• • •

{ source }

{ source }

 

• • •

No, she put into her central register that I had handed her a $1000.00 bill– and suddenly my frozen-screened do-it-yourself checkout station started spewing out $20.00 bills at a speed and in a way comparable to a figure skater doing triple lutzes.

Pushing me aside, The Home Depot employee made a dash for the cash coming out of my frozen-screened do-it-yourself checkout station.  She was in a panic.  A minute or two later when she had all the cash in her hand she was so flustered that she couldn’t figure out how to continue with my transaction.

And I was in NO MOOD to leave the store without my $1.09 change.

• • •

So I waited, with a line of customers behind me, until The Home Depot employee regained her composure.  Then, using a magic key that she had on a cord around her neck, she unlocked the entire bottom section of my frozen-screened do-it-yourself checkout station and counted out my change from the big till in there.

Consequently, a mere ten minutes after stepping up to the do-it-yourself checkout station, The Home Depot employee handed me a bag filled with what might be the most difficult to find– and to pay for– 25 Watt lightbulbs in the world.

THE END.  

[Hello FTC!  Please note that I’m explaining my point-of-view about things and my experiences while buying such things.  There was no monetary &/or other compensation involved whatsoever.  I know that you’re a wise & wonderful governmental department so you probably already knew that, right?  Just wanted to be clear.]