Introspection

And Then Good Things Began To Happen

/ Ally Bean / 6 Comments

I’ve said more on a personal level this week than I usually do in this blog [or anywhere else for that matter].  I’ve been detailed and intense, not my usual light-hearted self.  Talk about going outside your comfort zone.

But you know what?  I’m really glad that I did.

Within 48 hours of publishing– what I will always think of as– my adios posts, I received five messages from friends and family who I haven’t heard from in months, or even years.

Not one of them had read what I said in the blog, but all had suddenly thought of me– not to get something from me or to put me down— but to say “hi!”

On top of that, five people who I don’t know but seem rather pleasant,  just kind of appeared in my corner of the blog-o-sphere/twitterverse to say “hi!”

So here’s what I’ve learned this week: for me it is difficult to put personal relationship stuff out there in the world, but it’s worth the risk.  Life balances.  Out with the negative and insincere.  In with the positive and authentic.

Wonder why it took me so long to figure this out?

Just grateful that I did.

Letting Go, Moving On

/ Ally Bean / 10 Comments

Our weather around here has been “off” for almost 10 months now.  First, last summer we had the worst drought ever on record– which lead to an ugly autumn.  Then we had an early winter followed by the wettest spring on record.  I don’t think that I’m overstating it when I say that this weird weather is making people crazy.  They aren’t behaving nicely at all.

And I certainly have felt the brunt of this unhappiness.

I work from home so I don’t have to engage with people on a daily basis if I don’t want to.  I’m naturally observant and I’m very empathetic [as are many introverts, btw].  All of this combined together means that when I do go into the world, I’m more highly attuned to what is going on.  And the negative energy hits me harder than most other people who I know.

In fact, yesterday when I shared the details of some friends’ rude behavior, I was just giving you, my gentle readers, a brief glimpse into what has been going on behind the scenes in my life.  Everywhere I turn among those who one year ago I would have described as friends, I find strangeness and hostility.  Throughout this year I’ve been marginalized, used, put down, and most recently, completely ignored.  Apparently I’m now invisible, too.

I tell Zen-Den about my ridiculous encounters with friends, acquaintances, humanity.  He listens.  And then he tells me that I’m too nice to too many people who don’t care one iota about me.  And that it’s time for me to cut bait.

He’s right, of course.

Sad as it is for me to say, many (most?) of my current friendships have run their courses.  I’ve always been more of a free spirit than anyone else I know.  But there’s more to this disconnection than that.  Being on my own as much as I have been these last few years, I’ve evolved into a more relaxed, open-minded person than when I first met so many of these people.  I’m more liberal now.  I’m more focused on healthy living.  I’m more creative.  And I’m much more concerned with living in the moment– not agonizing over the future– being able to let go of the past.

So that is exactly what I am doing here in this blog post.  I’m making the choice to be good to myself now and in the future.  I’m saying good-bye to the most negative, small-minded group of people I’ve ever known.  And I’m telling the world in no uncertain terms: I deserve better.

Now, I shall go out and make it so.  Care to join me?

The “If You Know Me Well, You Know…” Meme

/ Ally Bean / 9 Comments

•  If you know me well, you know that I start each day with black coffee.

•  If you know me well, you know that I like to grow flowers, but have a rickety back that sometimes doesn’t allow me to do much of anything but look at what is growing– which means, in practical terms, that I like to grow weeds, too.

•  If you know me well, you know that I am a jeans and t-shirt sort of girl.  With flat shoes/sandals.  I rock casual.

•  If you know me well, you know that I am not overly enamored with the human race.  Never have been.  Even in 6th grade when I was forced to sing that stupid “Up, Up, With People” song, I didn’t buy into it.  I always thought that the second line, “you meet ’em wherever you go,” was more gypsy curse than inspirational.  Still do.

•  If you know me well, you know that when wrapping a gift I always put tissue paper inside the gift bag or box– and that I prefer [fun] curly ribbon to [boring] straight ribbon.

•  If you know me well, you know that I am allergic to April and August.  And most dogs and cats.  And dust mites.  And some wines.  And antibacterial soap.  And many scented candles.

•  If you know me well, you know that I have never been to a karaoke bar– which I consider to be a blessing.

•  If you know me well, you know that I read books, websites, magazines about interior design.  I learn what I can from these sources, and then I apply what I like to this  house.  Sometimes it even looks good.

•  If you know me well, you know that I’m a lapsed Presbyterian.

•  If you know me well, you know that I enjoy going to the zoo.  I’m a fan of the okapi, the spectacled bear, and the pigmy marmoset.  I also like giraffes and otters.  And penguins, of course.  I’m rather open-minded about which animals I like at the zoo.

[H/T to Michelle at Bleeding Espresso.  You posted this last year.  I get to it this year.  Better late than never, eh?]  

Late Winter

/ Ally Bean / 7 Comments

It is drab outside.  Dark brown, gray, rust with hints of dingy green.  My light-sensitive eyes enjoy not squinting, but my spirit longs for sunlight, growth, something new.

***

Fresh flowers.  Citrus fruit.  Coffee.  These are the items that keep me whole during these last few weeks of winter gloom.

***

Raining and bleak outside.  Late afternoon.  I stop at our local grocery hoping to grab a few essentials.  The place is crowded with shoppers who, to put it politely, are very focused on their objectives.  Chaos.  Unhappiness.

Waiting three deep in front of the milk case I notice an older woman who is completely relaxed in the middle of this madness.  She radiates health, calm– and has excellent posture.

Intrigued, I look more closely and realize who it is.  Lilias Folan.  Of PBS yoga fame.  I quietly congratulate myself for paying attention– and stand up straighter.  Stomach in, shoulders back.  Move forward with grace.

***

I buy a bright yellow and green pillar candle.  At home I put the candle on a plate and set it on the granite counter in the kitchen.  I light the candle and the reflection of the flame on the counter gives me hope.  There is Spring in our kitchen.  For now.  I feel better.

***

Weekend plans keep me focused on doing.  As much as I want to, I can’t sit and stare out the window at nothing.  I must prepare.  Get ready.

***

Purple.  Orange.  Yellow.  Pansies planted in the fall.  Which colors will survive the winter?  Every year it is different.  I wait to see.  Curiosity replaces ennui.

***

The dark green stems of the daffodils are shooting up in the backyard.  Cheery yellow.  A bit of orange.  Color is on its way.  I am revived.