In Which We Learn The Secret To Longevity According To My Husband

February 17, 2014May 6, 2021 / Ally Bean / 14 Comments

~ An early morning conversation between husband [HIM] & wife [ME] that took place in our bathroom ~

HIM: { stepping out of the shower, drying off, looking in my direction } You look pretty.

ME: { awake for less than 15 seconds, standing in front of the mirror, looking at the crazy mess that is my curly hair pre-styling } Huh?

HIM: { hanging up his towel } Your hair looks pretty like that.

ME: { wondering why I am being forced to converse before my first cup of coffee } Huh!

HIM: { looking into the mirror, starting to comb his straight wet hair } I know that you think that I’m being facetious when I say that you look pretty, but I’m not.

ME: { using a scrunchie, pulling the top portion of my bobbed hair up into a vertical straggly looking ponytail-esque style good enough for going downstairs to get a cup of coffee } Huh.

HIM: { applying shaving cream to his face, looking like Father Time } And do you know why I’m not being facetious when I say that you look pretty? It’s because…

ME: { distracted while searching for my eyeglasses } What?

HIM: { looking into the mirror, starting to shave his face while chuckling at his supposed cleverness } …I don’t know what “facetious” means, so I can’t be saying anything facetious.

ME: { finally realizing that I’m going to have to talk to him because he’s so full of it } So if you don’t know what a word means when you use it, then when a doctor tells you that you have some sort of disease that you’ve never heard of, you won’t have it because you don’t know what it is?!!!

HIM: { stopping mid-shave, looking at me, pontificating upon his brilliance } Yep. That’s it exactly. That’s how I’m going to live to be one hundred: if I don’t know what it is, I can’t get it. Ignorance is the key to good health.

ME: { putting on my slippers, leaving the bathroom in search of coffee } Well then, you’ve nailed that ignorance part. Enjoy your long life. I hope you and your second wife will be happy together.

~ The End ~

I’m Beginning To Think That I Like Pink

June 18, 2013February 3, 2015 / Ally Bean / 21 Comments

If you were to ask me if I liked pink, I’d tell you that I did not.

However, the other day when Greg, the landscaper, was here chatting with me about our next big project, he started talking about color. He was taking notes about my vague ideas about what I wanted him to do next in the flower beds out front along the sidewalk leading up to the front door.

• • •

He asked me what colors I wanted to see along there. I told him no pink.

Being the polite sort of man that he is, he merely raised one eyebrow and tilted his head in about five different directions. My eyes followed where he was subtly pointing.

And what did I see? Oh pots & pots of pink flowers and many pink rose bushes. All over the property. Uh huh.

• • •

After I stopped laughing at myself, I looked over at him. He said nothing but held up his pad of paper on which he’d written one word. In very large letters. And the word was: PINK. The color that we’ll be seeing along the front sidewalk.

The color that, apparently, I like.

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News

February 18, 2013February 25, 2015 / Ally Bean / 16 Comments

In one week I went to the eye doctor and the lady bits doctor. They are not on the same page as to what I need to do, henceforth, to stay a healthy and whole woman. In fact, putting together their advice I am left with a math word problem.

I never liked math word problems when I was twelve– and I do not like them any better now that I am many decades beyond twelve. Here is what I have to figure out:

<begin snarl>

Ally wants to be a healthy person. She is on a train called YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME heading toward the town known as OLD AGE.

According to the eye doctor, who wants the redness and dryness in her eyes to abate, Ally is to take 2 antibiotics each day. These are to be taken on an empty stomach 1 hour before eating OR 2-3 hours after eating. They are never to be taken before eating anything with calcium in it.

According to her lady bits doctor, who wants all women to have strong bones, Ally is supposed to eat 3 servings of calcium-rich food each day. These foods include all sorts of low-fat, no-fat dairy products + soybeans + raw spinach. Also, she is to take 1 calcium supplement each day.

So, how does Ally get to the junction of SEEING CLEARLY and NO BROKEN BONES while riding along on the YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME train without making a major stop at I NEED TO GET MY HEAD EXAMINED? Or before becoming derailed in the ‘burg known as YEAST INFECTION? Or before being stopped by the outlaw gang known as RAW SPINACH MAKES MY FACE TURN RED?

Hmm? How does Ally do this?

<end snarl>

And with that question in mind, I shall wander off to solve this ridiculous word problem with a pad of paper + pen, a mug of coffee & a less than enthusiastic attitude. If figuring out word problems such as this is what old age is going to be all about, I’m having a few doubts about my ability to age gracefully. Or to even care about good health. ‘Ya know what I mean?

This is craziness.