Snarking

In Which I Converse With A Stranger Whilst Thinking Of One Particular Emoticon

/ Ally Bean / 24 Comments

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WHILE WAITING AT HONDA in the customer service area for my car to be repaired, a stylish 60-something woman spotted me reading my book, sat down beside me and started chatting.

That’s what they all do the minute they see me. They start talking.

She told me more than I wanted to know about her: she was retired, single, living on a fixed income, buying her sheets at one department store but her towels at a different one, preferred olive oil from upscale cooking stores rather than the grocery, and watched [nameless] funny TV shows each night.

# # #

COME TO FIND OUT, this woman had brought her car into Honda Service, without an appointment, because the remote transmitter battery in her car’s key was failing.  The battery needed to be replaced.

To me, this seemed simple enough. To her, however, this was a big deal.  

What this woman did not seem to understand was that even when the battery part of her key went dead, she could still insert the key into the car lock and turn the key manually to open the car door.

# # #

NO, SHE THOUGHT THAT when the car key battery went dead she’d have to have the car towed from who knows where and replace the whole lock– which was going to cost hundreds of dollars.

So there I sat a victim of chit-chat overload, dumbfounded by what I’d heard. Somewhat baffled, almost wordless.  

I was about to explain to her how locks work when the service department called her name indicating that they had completed her repair.  So I said “good-bye” and was left to wonder why it is that the clueless people find me– even when I’m minding my own business, they. find. me.  O_o

Pretentious Much?

/ Ally Bean / 16 Comments

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~ • ~

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD yourself say something and think to yourself:

Did I really say that?  Honestly, who am I?

Zen-Den and I, with some friends, were at an art show in a park that is along a river.  We’ve been to this particular show many times together, and we each have our favorite artists who we want to checkout.  It makes for a predictable, leisurely afternoon.

~ • ~

Z-D AND I WENT into one particular artist’s tent to see what he had going on.  For Z-D this guy is the highlight of the show, so he stopped to talk with the man.  I looked around but didn’t see anything that I wanted so I went outside to stand with our friends who were waiting.

When Z-D caught up with us he hadn’t bought a thing.  He turned to me and said: “what did you think of his stuff this year?”  And then I said the most out-of-character statement that I may have ever said.  I replied:

“Oh, his work is so derivative now that it’s passé.”

~ • ~

THERE WAS A PAUSE while all of us looked at each other– and then we started laughing so hard that we had to stop looking at each other because of my absurd statement.

Accurate as it may be, I have no idea where that sentence came from.  I’m not exactly an art critic [or a critic of anything, for that matter].  All I can think is that I’ve read too many scholarly articles on Arts & Letters Daily.  Might be time for me to focus more on People magazine.

~ • ~

I’M GOING TO FILE this charming little story, ridiculous as it is, under:

Do Not Take Yourself Too Seriously.  

Derivative? Passé?  Who says things like that?  Not me, usually. That’s for sure.  

I Love You, But You’re A Fruit Loop

/ Ally Bean / 20 Comments

This made me laugh at myself.  File it under: Make No Assumptions.  Ever.

# # #

Sometime last year I met a woman at a business function and we talked about social media.  She knew that her job responsibilities were changing and that soon she’d be expected to contribute to her company’s blog and Twitter account.

She also knew that I had a blog so I gave her my blog’s card thinking that she might want to see what I do and how I do it.  She seemed appreciative.

Or at least that is the way I chose to interpret her actions.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago when I happened to run into this woman again.  She mentioned my blog and I thought: How wonderful!  Someone who I met in real life is reading my sweet little bloggy. 

But my assumption about this woman’s behavior could not have been any farther from the truth. 

She happily admitted that she’d never read my blog.  Then she went on to tell me that she could make my blog popular because she knew how to do that now.

According to her, what I wrote was not important because a blog’s popularity had nothing to do with content– and everything to do with salesmanship.  Specifically, her salesmanship.

And with that she babbled onto another topic of conversation, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she’d insulted me.

This left me wondering: who is the fruit loop here?  Is it her for being unaware and self-absorbed?  Or [more likely] is it me for even listening to her to begin with?

All I know for sure is that there’s another fruit loop to add to the bowl.  😉

What Is The World Coming To When A Phone Call As Good As This One Isn’t A Prank?

/ Ally Bean / 12 Comments

My cell phone rang earlier this morning.  I didn’t recognize the number, but could identify the area code.  It was the area code of an out-of-town friend that Z-D was meeting for an early breakfast.

Thinking that the call might be from that friend who was lost or something, I answered my phone.  This is unusual because I rarely respond to a number that I don’t know.  However, this time I did and the conversation went something like this:

• • •

Male voice:  Hello! I’m looking for John.

Me, realizing that this wasn’t our friend:  I’m sorry but there is no John here.

*sound of me laughing out loud at what I’d heard myself say*

Male voice:  What?  What did you say?

Me, figuring that this was a fun phone prank:  There. is. no. John. here.

*sound of me giggling because I’m so mature and all*

Male voice:  Oh… I’m sorry to have bothered you, ma’am.  I guess I have the wrong number.  Good-bye.

Me, sadly deflated that this hadn’t been a prank call:  No problem.  Good-bye.

*sound of me sighing that such a good set-up had gone for naught*

• • •

Kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it?  Is anybody listening to what they’re saying?  It’s such a pity to waste a good *guffaw* when you stumble over one.  Yet that poor man on the phone– so serious.