If I’m Chopped Liver, Then You’re Bologna

/ Ally Bean

Some situations provoke me to the point of regressing to my EIGHT YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL SELF… mouthing off… under my breath… to myself… about someone.

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To wit, as I may or may not have mentioned before, I live in a suburb that is non-friendly.  People are neutral about other people.  Pleasant, but indifferent.  Aware, but detached.  Previously polite to a fault.

This I can live with.

But what I cannot condone is rudeness.  And that is what I’m finding more often when I go outside for a walk.

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For example, yesterday as I was walking along – up & down the hills – around the curves, I said “hi” or “hello” to all the people who I passed.  I exhibited a modicum of good manners.

I. Was. Nice.

People with headphones nodded at me.  People talking on phones waved hello.  People with dogs shouted a greeting back at me.  People just out for a stroll said “hi” or “hello” back to me as I walked by them.

However, people reading their smart phones as they walked along – up & down the hills – around the curves IGNORED ME.

Besides the obvious fact that it’s foolhardy to not pay attention to where you’re going when you’re walking along – up & down the hills – around the curves, it is rude to not acknowledge the person who is near you in real life.

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As we all know, REJECTION HURTS.

So naturally, being the mature adult that I am, I started talking to myself about this boorish behavior.  My muttering monologue went something like this…

ADULT ME [sarcastic, through clenched teeth]: Well, don’t say anything to me.  Just. Being. Polite.

CHILD ME [insulted]: Hey, hey– what’s wrong with you, you poopy head?

ADULT ME [irritated]: Boy, I tell you, Ally– you try to be nice & see what you get?

CHILD ME [frantic]: Hey booger face, I’m over here.  What am I?  Chopped liver? Huh?!

ADULT ME [resigned, with a sigh]: Whatever.  Some people aren’t even worth the bother.

CHILD ME [zinging away]: Well, well, well… if I’m chopped liver, then you’re bologna.  Cut thick.  Just like you, fatso!

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Bottom line truth of this story?  I LOVED BEING SNOTTY RIGHT BACK AT THESE PEOPLE.  Granted, the conversation was only in my head, but it was lots of fun to mouth off like that.  Kind of a forgotten pleasure of childhood– empowering & entertaining.

SO THERE.

10 thoughts on “If I’m Chopped Liver, Then You’re Bologna”

  1. Calling them “poopy heads” is good karma. It is a shame people cannot live in, and enjoy, the moment. Thanks for helping bring good cosmc force to this difficult situation – for no other reason than to keep you sane and straight.

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    • Zen-Den, you’re so right that the source of this rudeness is not living in the moment. Reverting to being a kid under my breath was a great way to handle the situation. Highly recommended when next you find yourself confronted with a smart phone obsessed poopy head!

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  2. Today’s post is why I follow your blog. You are so entertaining!:)
    I have found that here in my little town, people go out of their way to be friendly. And it doesn’t matter what age, gender, or skin color. I’ve had many wonderful conversations with complete strangers.
    I hope you will always keep the little child perspective!

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    • Thanks Beth. That little girl pov just popped into my head. If I’d been farther away from home, think of what the rest of the convo might have been!

      Interesting that your small town is friendly. So many people I’ve known along the way have moved to a small town and regretted it because of the snobbery. You found a good one.

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    • Margaret, don’t like the smart phone, eh? I don’t have one, so I can’t speak to how useful they are or are not. But if I ever do get one I can guarantee you I won’t be reading it while I go for a walk!

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  5. I lived in Cody, WY, for about a year and a half. My friend Glen had moved there 6 months or so before I did and he made the “new in town” column in the newspaper just before we both left. I never did, of course.

    Those mumbled conversations are exactly why I don’t like to enable voice chat when I game online, btw. Except my inner 6th grader is more foul mouthed than your’s.

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    • Zazzy, new in town meant being there 2 years! Hilarious. What a dandy place to live.

      Yes, as a child I was always quite mannerly. I thought that saying “ain’t” was about as vile as I could get! Now as an adult woman I’ve adopted a few more choice words. We live, we learn. 😉

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