In Which I Become A Cliché & Make Myself Laugh

February 12, 2015January 28, 2021 / Ally Bean / 25 Comments

I ate dessert first last night.

I wasn’t certain if I was hungry so I had a snack of yogurt and homemade granola, which I sometimes have for my dessert.

After I ate it I was sure that I was hungry so I made myself a lovely dinner of chicken and mashed potatoes and broccoli and cranberry sauce.

Zen-Den was traveling for business so it was just me dining at the kitchen counter.

• • •

It wasn’t until I started cleaning up the kitchen that I realized that I’d eaten my meal in reverse order.

I started laughing at myself.

I mean, no one thinks that they’ll be the real life embodiment of a pop culture cliché gleaned allegedly from a woman born in 1892, yet I managed to do it.

By accident, of course.

How To Make “Not Coffee” In The Morning

February 3, 2015January 28, 2021 / Ally Bean / 25 Comments

File this one under… MARITAL BLISS.

1) DO NOT set up your electric coffee maker, which has a delayed brewing option, the night before you want your coffee. Instead, go to kitchen in morning while still groggy and make coffee.

2) TURN ON overhead lights in kitchen using dimmer switch to provide a minimum of light onto counter. Pull machine out from under cabinet while confirming that brew basket, glass carafe and plastic lid appear to be in their proper places.

3) PLACE PAPER filter into brew basket, measure water + ground coffee, then place each into its proper compartment within electric coffee maker. Turn on machine and wait for brewed coffee to drip into glass carafe.

4) HEAR BEEPS that tell you that your coffee is ready and with favorite mug in hand pour yourself some coffee from what seems to be an unusually light carafe.

5) DO NOT stop to think about why this carafe is so light and that there might be a problem here as you take your first sip of coffee.

6) SPIT OUT “not coffee” into sink as husband enters kitchen. Describe foul “not coffee” beverage using colorful language, thereby piquing husband’s interest.

7) TURN ON overhead lights in kitchen to full wattage while examining electric coffee maker from whence the “not coffee” came. Snarl loudly and turn to husband who is trying to make quiet exit from kitchen.

8) ACCUSE SPOUSE of incompetence while putting away clean dishes night before. Mention that just laying plastic lid on top of carafe will not work. Reinforce idea that securing plastic lid onto glass carafe is what allows coffee to flow from brew basket into carafe because lid pushes spring on bottom of brew basket open.

9) NOTICE SPOUSE looking guilty and explaining that it’s all his fault. Agree wholeheartedly while cleaning out sludge formed by coffee grounds and hot water trapped in brew basket. Try to be angry with husband but decide that it’s not worth the effort.

10) DECREE THAT there is a new house rule. Specifically, henceforth and ever after the glass coffee carafe will always have plastic lid secured on top of it before placing carafe into electric coffee maker… on penalty of no access to any TV remote control for a month. Capiche?

One Deck, One Grill, One Squirrel. Of Course.

September 12, 2014January 28, 2021 / Ally Bean / 25 Comments

[Subtitled: Do Squirrels Eat Hamburgers?]

I happened to be walking through the back of our house when I glanced out the patio door onto the deck and noticed that our Weber grill had grown a tail overnight.

Upon closer examination I noticed that there seemed to be a certain critter hiding behind the grill. So I bided my time to see if, by chance, this critter was our good old friend, Fuzzy. It didn’t take long for me to confirm that Fuzzy the Squirrel was back to his annoying tricks.

From my vantage point inside the house I could see that our friend was using his backside to try to nudge the top off the grill, presumably to get to the hamburger grease + burnt nibbles that were left inside the grill from the night before.

Naturally when I inquired about his sneaky-looking behavior Fuzzy ignored me. He is a master of indifference, so when he turned his back on me I wasn’t all that surprised. Instead, I just waited to see what he’d do next, knowing that he can never stay still very long.

And true to form, with one wistful sideways glance toward the grill, Fuzzy ran away from me along the top of the deck railing toward his home in Tree #3479 in the forest primeval. It is there, I presume, he found something else to do with his time besides making himself a nuisance on our deck.

But he also left me wondering if squirrels eat hamburgers. So I did a quick Google search after which I realized that this question has no reliable answer, but does lead one to an unexpected link to an abstract of an academic paper. Of course.