My Unhappy Story Of Flying Trapped Inside A MRI With Wings

June 25, 2015June 25, 2015 / Ally Bean / 37 Comments

Seating chart for MRI with wings.

While on vacation last weekend, I spent one leg of my travels on a flight from hell, trapped inside a MRI with wings. This would be a plane that is known to aviators as a Bombardier CRJ 200.

This airplane, while not the smallest one I’ve ever flown on, was the worst flying MRI I’ve experienced because– and I hope that I’m not going to get too technical here— THERE WAS NO AIR CONDITIONING AS WE WAITED AT THE GATE AND THEN ON THE TARMAC FOR TAKEOFF… ON A HOT SUMMER DAY… AT MIDDAY.

I’d love to tell you what airline I was on, but I’m not sure. It was some pokey little airline, doing business under some obscure name, for some larger, formerly independent, airline recently acquired by some huge US airline.

In other words, the usual inane flying experience that I’ve come to know, pay exorbitant amounts of money for and loathe.

# # #

As fate would have it two things occurred simultaneously while I was on this flight from hell trapped inside a MRI with wings.

First of all, I had a hot flash.

To be clear, that would be my body spontaneously increasing its core temperature while I was sitting in the middle of the airplane, Seat 7C, where the ambient room temperature was close to 100ºF.

Trapped, I was.

And so far beyond toasty that I could barely keep conscious. I could see my vision begin to tunnel– and I knew that I would faint, unless I thought of something fast.

So I shut my eyes, let my head droop and begin to remember how cold and bleak it was on our screened-in porch in February, when I’d step out there for a bit of fresh air, mid-afternoon, with my mug of hot tea.

Oddly enough this mental distraction kept me from passing out and it gave me an opportunity to decide that, if I lived to tell the story, I’d call out the airline on this unconscionable, unhealthy, inhumane, ridiculous, shameful, cheap-ass behavior.

Didn’t their mothers teach these airline PTB to not treat other human beings as chattel? Hmmm?

# # #

Actual MRI, similar to Bombardier CJR 200.

This would be the end of the story if it weren’t for the man next to me on the flying MRI with wings from hell who was an employee of one of the airlines that was part of the afore-mentioned cluster.

And he was taking notes. Lots of them.

For real.

And he was telling me EVERYTHING that this flight crew was doing that was wrong, that was illegal according to FAA standards, and that was just plain stupid.

So despite being the most physically and emotionally uncomfortable I’ve been on an airplane in decades, I had the pleasure of knowing that this flight crew, a bunch of yahoos who really should be ashamed of themselves, were going to get in trouble.

AS IN FAILING TO PASS INSPECTION. JOBS ON THE LINE. HELLO REVIEW BOARD [I CAN ONLY HOPE].

It is because of this note-taking man that I can look back on this flight as a learning experience for the crew as well as for me. To wit, I will never, ever in a hundred years set foot inside a Bombardier CRJ 200 again.

And if you know what’s good for you, you won’t either.

Fuzzy The Squirrel: Color Consultant & Investment Advisor

May 14, 2015May 14, 2015 / Ally Bean / 26 Comments

IT WAS A beautiful clear spring day, so I went outside to photograph the new gutter on the back of the house. It’s the one that we had to buy to replace the storm-damaged gutter that fell down last autumn.

I WAS TRYING to decide if the new gutter, which came in Desert Sand, was going to blend, as is, with the rest of the house trim. Or, if it was going to have to be painted SW Agreeable Gray to match the house trim.

BUT AS I was standing there snapping photos I was startled when I noticed that on top of the screened-in porch roof, under the new gutter, was Fuzzy the Squirrel watching me.

SEEING AS HE was already up there and in a good place to look around, I asked him what he thought I should do about my color dilemma.

FUZZY, WHO IS always happy to be included in our plans, carefully perused the situation then confirmed what I was hoping.

“LADY, YOU’D BE crazy to hire someone to climb up here and paint this new gutter. I can barely see a difference between the two colors.…

IN FACT, I think that your monies would be better spent on buying a few more tomato plants for the deck + maybe a nut tree or two for the backyard. Much better investments. In my humble squirrel-y opinion.”

~ ~ • ~ ~

Candy Crush Soda Saga OR Lumosity: A Quiz To Determine Which One Is For You

May 12, 2015August 29, 2018 / Ally Bean / 20 Comments

:: THE QUIZ ::

Q1: Do you like to eat chocolate? Y or N

Q2: Do you resent being asked, every stinking day, how many hours you slept last night? Y or N

Q3: Do you enjoy searching for cute bears hidden underneath things? Y or N

Q4: Are you indifferent to the migratory patterns of flocks of black birds on a screen? Y or N

• • •

Q5: Are you always up for a colorful, cheerful game with lots of groovy fish that make things blow up? Y or N

Q6: Do you think that doing arithmetic problems, that fall randomly down your screen, are the real reason you have begun to have nightmares about 5th grade again? Y or N

Q7: Do you think that when you lose a game seeing the message “You’ll get it next time!” is encouraging? Y or N

Q8: Do you think that when you encounter the opportunity to make words starting with two random letters, it’s best to make a long multi-syllabled word and that it’s poor manners to scold someone for not making a short three-letter word? Y or N

• • •

Q9: Do you like to eat honey? Y or N

Q10: Do you think that any game, for which you cannot find an unauthorized website of cheats + hacks, is of dubious value because you’re not learning how to advance in the game? Y or N

Q11: Do you think that you did your time as a waitress in college and need not relive that experience by serving pretend food + beverages to cartoon people, with specific names, at a nondescript virtual beach cafe? Y or N

Q12: Do you think that you can keep your brain healthy and sharp by playing a free game; rather than challenging your cognitive abilities by playing games that have a monthly fee? Y or N

:: SCORING ::

The more you answered YES, the more you will like CANDY CRUSH SODA SAGA.

You can learn more about the game here.

• • •

Conversely, the more you answered NO, the more you will like LUMOSITY.

You can learn more about brain training here.

Curly Hair, Haircut Appointments & The Games I Must Play

April 28, 2015 / Ally Bean / 27 Comments

I. I have naturally curly hair.

Only a few people know how to cut naturally curly hair so that it doesn’t turn into a frizzy, choppy mess. In fact, I recently got one of those lousy haircuts, but that’s not the story I’m going to tell you here.

No, this story is about how it came to be that I needed to go to a different hair stylist than my usual one. It is a story about how difficult it is to get an appointment with my usual hair stylist, who moved her business to Salon Lofts about two years ago.

II. Here’s why.

As a client I book my appointments with my hair stylist online using the Salon Lofts easy, intuitive scheduler. ‘Tis a breeze to use it. Love it.

At first this process was easy and wonderful. When I needed a haircut I’d go to my account online and look to see when my hair stylist had an opening. Then I’d pick my appointment.

However, other deceitful clients have begun to take all the appointments that they think they might want. For instance, if Little Miss Suzy Self-Absorbed likes to get her hair cut at a specific time on Wednesday afternoons, she’ll book all of those Wednesday afternoon appointments for months ahead.

Then, 24 hours before said appointment, our Little Miss Suzy Self-Absorbed will decide if this is the week she needs to get her hair cut, or not. If she no longer wants the appointment, she’ll cancel it without financial penalty.

III. This leaves me in a difficult situation.

Either I play this take-all-the-appointments-I-might-want-game, or I check online every morning to see if an appointment I can use has opened up for the next day. Then I re-arrange my schedule to take advantage of it.

I’ve talked with my hair stylist about this scheduling situation, but here’s the thing: from her point of view this is not a problem. After 30+ years of cutting hair she has an established clientele who will do anything to get an appointment, so she’s always booked with clients who show up.

Leaving me to play games to get an appointment. And when that fails, forcing me to go to some other available hair stylist who, as this last cut would prove, ain’t so good at what she does.