Cross Examined At Breakfast

I walked into the kitchen the other morning wearing five pocket straight leg jeans and a t-shirt.  I was carrying my sweater to put on after I ate breakfast, but before I went out the door.  The following conversation ensued.

~ • ~ 

Him:  You have sparkles on your butt.

Me:  [shaking my tail feathers]  You like?

Him:  There’s shiny stuff on your back pockets.

Me:  [reaching for the carafe and pouring myself a cup of coffee]  Pretty, huh?

Him:  What are those sparkles doing on your butt?

Me:  [pushing him aside to get into the pantry]  They’re fashionable.  They’re just there.

Him:  Does your sweater cover your butt?

Me:  [ripping open a breakfast bar and biting into it]  I dunno.

Him:  Well, if it’s long enough your sweater will cover the sparkles on your butt.

Me:  [taking another bite of breakfast bar]  Yes, and if it’s short enough you’ll see all the shiny on the pockets.

Him:  Is that what you want?

Me:  [eating my last bite of breakfast bar]  I don’t care.

Him:  Here, put on your sweater.

Me:  [putting on my sweater]  Okay.  How’s it look?  Sparkles or not?

Him:  Your sweater covers part of your pockets.  You’re only half shiny.

Me:  [slurping my last slug of coffee]  Okie dokie then.  I’m a sparkly half-ass.  It’s confirmed.

Him:  Why’d you buy those jeans?

Me:  [grabbing my purse from the floor where I’d put it beside my canvas tote]  I bought them because they were on sale.  I don’t care what happens on the backside.  I don’t see it.  And they fit really well.

Him:  Hmmm.  Yes, they do.

~ • ~ 

And this my friends is what it’s like being married to a lawyer.  He can’t just say “pretty.”  Oh no.  He has to get all the details first.  Establish a fact pattern.  And then he’ll comment.  If he’s in the mood.

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Ally Bean

Observant. Creative. Humorous. Adaptable. Happy enough. Looking for the crumb of truth in the cookie of life.

16 thoughts on “Cross Examined At Breakfast”

  1. This was very entertaining! How can you go wrong with a conversation that starts “you have sparkles on your butt”? (Okay, well, I can imagine a number of ways it could go wrong. But this didn’t.)

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  2. I laughed out loud reading this! You two are so funny together. And no, I can’t imagine you wearing sparkles on your butt–so unlike your regular style! 🙂

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  3. If no one expects you to wear sparkle, all the more reason to do it! Brilliant, made me smile, I could just imagine it. More than I could cope with at that time of the morning, though, I suspect.

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  4. LOL! Super cute…”…and I all I wanted to do was eat breakfast in peace.” Well, there’s always time for that when you’re not wearing sparkles on your butt, I guess! 🙂

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  5. He is hilariously detailed, like you are on the witness stand. 🙂 I’ve never had a sparkly butt; I wonder what my husband would say. P.S. What kind of breakfast bars do you eat. I’m trying to find new ones.

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  6. Margaret, he is pretty funny most of the time– usually on purpose. But not in this case, which made it all the funnier to me.

    As for the breakfast bar, I have no idea what it was! It was a freebie of some sort that they we’re giving out at the grocery. So I took it. It wasn’t very good, but that doesn’t really help you much now, does it?

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