I walked into the kitchen the other morning wearing five pocket straight leg jeans and a t-shirt. I was carrying my sweater to put on after I ate breakfast, but before I went out the door. The following conversation ensued.
~ • ~
Him: You have sparkles on your butt.
Me: [shaking my tail feathers] You like?
Him: There’s shiny stuff on your back pockets.
Me: [reaching for the carafe and pouring myself a cup of coffee] Pretty, huh?
Him: What are those sparkles doing on your butt?
Me: [pushing him aside to get into the pantry] They’re fashionable. They’re just there.
Him: Does your sweater cover your butt?
Me: [ripping open a breakfast bar and biting into it] I dunno.
Him: Well, if it’s long enough your sweater will cover the sparkles on your butt.
Me: [taking another bite of breakfast bar] Yes, and if it’s short enough you’ll see all the shiny on the pockets.
Him: Is that what you want?
Me: [eating my last bite of breakfast bar] I don’t care.
Him: Here, put on your sweater.
Me: [putting on my sweater] Okay. How’s it look? Sparkles or not?
Him: Your sweater covers part of your pockets. You’re only half shiny.
Me: [slurping my last slug of coffee] Okie dokie then. I’m a sparkly half-ass. It’s confirmed.
Him: Why’d you buy those jeans?
Me: [grabbing my purse from the floor where I’d put it beside my canvas tote] I bought them because they were on sale. I don’t care what happens on the backside. I don’t see it. And they fit really well.
Him: Hmmm. Yes, they do.
~ • ~
And this my friends is what it’s like being married to a lawyer. He can’t just say “pretty.” Oh no. He has to get all the details first. Establish a fact pattern. And then he’ll comment. If he’s in the mood.