A Text Not Meant For Me, A Game Not Played By Me

/ Ally Bean

IT WAS AROUND THIS TIME 5 years ago when I lost touch with, let’s call her, Kathleen the Control Freak— a natural born queen bee, uptight and competitive.

The Covid-19 pandemic lockdown had just begun. I’d texted her to make sure she was doing okay and got a terse reply something to the effect of: “Sure. Why wouldn’t I be?”

I responded with a polite “Just checking in” and left it at that.

During the next few months I tried a few more times to text her, our usual way of communicating, but got no reply.

Crickets make more noise.

Come December we didn’t receive a holiday card from Kathleen the Control Freak which confirmed I no longer existed in her small world which, truthfully, I was happy to not be part of anymore.

I’ve never been good in the role of a wannabe to a queen bee.

• • •

FAST FORWARD TO A FEW weeks ago when Kathleen the Control Freak texted me, including me in a group text to friends who play pickleball at her club. This seemed odd because: 1) her previous behavior over the last five years suggested I am persona non grata; and 2) I don’t play pickleball.

I believe I was accidentally included.

At this point, fun as it would have been to text a group reply about this queen bee’s error, I did not do that. Instead I watched in real time as everyone, a group of women who’d never give me the time of day, texted among themselves.

From this I observed that these women, who gushed and fawned over each other, waited dutifully for Kathleen the Control Freak to establish dominance by dictating where and when they’d be going to breakfast together the next morning after she finished her 8:00 a.m. pickleball game.

Queens gotta rule all the courts.

• • •

NOW AS YOU CAN IMAGINE this experience left me with a few things to consider.

• I wondered why Kathleen the Control Freak, a perfectionist along the lines of Martha Stewart, still has my phone number, presumably for some reason, in her exalted list of contacts.

I admit this seemed odd to me but also not worth dwelling on. Her number is no longer in my contacts and that’s what matters to me.

• I wondered why I’d ever considered Kathleen the Control Freak to be a friend. Was I wrong when I thought she was fun to be around? Or have we both changed over the years— she getting bossier, me getting mellower?

That’s the conclusion I’m sticking with because I see no need to overthink why someone ghosts you.

• But most importantly, and this is where the snark is, I wondered about whether I should be mischievous and show up to join the group for breakfast the next morning.

After all I knew the details of the plan to get together, didn’t I? 

But I didn’t go. For one thing it’d have been an hour drive to get to their side of town and that seemed more bothersome & petty than worthwhile & victorious.

And for another thing despite contemplating this way to upset them, in reality I didn’t care about whatever the heck was going on with this group of grown-up mean girls.

Under the circumstances, would you?

QUESTIONS OF THE DAY

Thinking about these last five years, has anyone ghosted you? Have you ghosted anyone? Details if you please.

Have you ever found yourself in a group text where you didn’t belong? If so, what did you do?

Who’s the most control freaky person you know in real life?

Do you play pickleball?

• • 🪴 • •

257 thoughts on “A Text Not Meant For Me, A Game Not Played By Me”

  2. Thinking about these last five years, has anyone ghosted you? Have you ghosted anyone? Details if you please.

    No. Yes. I ghosted a control freak who only wanted me to do what she wanted me to do and only when she wanted me to do it.

    Have you ever found yourself in a group text where you didn’t belong? If so, what did you do?

    No. I don’t text. But I have been included in e-mails as an unintended recipient after moving this past year. I didn’t do anything but delete the e-mails.

    Who’s the most control freaky person you know in real life?

    The one I ghosted.

    Do you play pickleball?

    No. I prefer ping pong.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nancy, it’s the control freaks, like the one you mention and I recently dealt with, who drag things down and take the joy out of things.

      Now that I think about it I’ve been included on some emails that I had no business being included on. Could be awkward, but fortunately I like to delete.

      I see your ping pong and raise you a badminton. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

      • I took one pickle ball lesson and decided that the scoring in tennis, badminton, and ping-pong all made MUCH MORE sense than the convoluted scoring of pickle ball. So, while I would be willing to play “pickle ball” like I play ping pong or badminton, I won’t ever play pickle ball with enthusiasts.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Interesting. I’ve not tried to play pickleball nor do I know about the scoring. IF I was to play I’d play a game like you would— without enthusiasts, just for fun.

          Like

  3. I’ve been a part of rescue organizations where a queen bee loves you and works with you (and others) only until you fail to do things her way or when she wants it done. I watched this particular one, person by person, get rid of all the founders of the group. It seemed like she always had to have someone to pick on. Very sad to watch.

    Liked by 1 person

    • derrycats, oh that’s a lousy thing to see unfold in front of you BUT totally believable. Knowing the queen bee personality your assessment makes sense: she wanted total fidelity so she could control. Sad indeed.

      Like

      • It was sad. The only good part is that she did finally leave the organization and it functioned so much better after that….so much less drama. Rescue needs to be about the animals, not the drama queen.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. 1. Yes. If I’m the ghosted, I would reach out 3 times. If no response, I’m out. If I’m the ghoster, it’s because I’m busy and forgetful.

    2. Watch the drama unfold.

    3. I can’t tell you because you might know them.

    4. No.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Joan, your number of attempts is the same as mine. After 3 times I gave up— kind of happily in this case. How did I ever come to know this woman?

      I’ll admit it was a hoot to watch the text drama unfold in front of me. Am laughing about who you might know who is a control freak. Bet I can guess. 😉

      Like

  5. I like that phrase you used, “a wannabe to a queen bee.” I remember the type from high school and fortunately don’t have anyone like that in my life any more. But out of curiosity I would definitely have done what you did, watch in real time as the wannabes texted among themselves. Kind of like being a fly on the wall!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Barbara, I’m not a good wannabe, might have been when I was younger, but now I meet people on equal footing. I’ll follow and be part of a group if I respect the leader… but never a queen bee.

      And yes watching the texts roll by was a couple of hours of fun. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I won’t lie… I was hoping you would show up for shits and giggles. However, not if it entailed a one-hour drive! She seems to be quite something.

    I had a friend, let’s call her Patti, because that’s her name. She falls in the category of what Maya Angelou said: “When someone tells you who they are, believe them.” Waaaay back in 2002, we met at a gym. Became fast friends and went out on the regular, she came last-minute to my wedding (hadn’t been invited until a week before coz I didn’t know her!), had each other over at our houses for suppers with husbands and kids, etc. But, she had told me at some point that she was “A really bad friend.” Okay. Whatever. I dismissed it.

    She called me when she was in need of help. I was there. When my father died, she showed up with a cooked ham, potatoes and an apple crisp. When my husband died – the day after her wedding (which we could not attend, seeings as my husband was in a coma), she set a place for us anyway so that we were there in spirit; then she stopped by my house with her girls before Christmas (he died Dec. 21) as she was leaving on her honeymoon Christmas Day. I don’t think that qualifies as a bad friend. Except, with hindsight, I realise she does “what is right” because appearances are important to her.

    Getting together with her was often a pain in the tuchus so I suggested, why don’t we set up a monthly date or whatever? I was, apparently, too demanding and she disappeared shortly thereafter. Okay then. I guess I was “freakishly controlling”.

    A friend included another in a group text. It was embarrassing though the one who was not originally included would not have joined anyway!

    I have never played pickleball in my life!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dale, if I could have popped over to a restaurant 15 minutes away it would have been a different story. But 2 hours total driving time to be spiteful wasn’t worth it.

      Patti sounds like a character who maybe was a good person to begin with but got caught up in external validation to the point of not being authentic anymore? Some of the things she did were sweet, but to shun the idea of a monthly date with someone you’ve know forever… that seems hinky. You’re better off without her lurking around the edges of your life.

      I’ve never played pickleball either, but it is popular around here— kind of a snobby thing actually. Now if they’d have been getting together to play badminton I’d have been enthusiastic. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh definitely not worth two hours of your time! 15? Just to see the look on their faces? Priceless.

        You see signs along the way but you dismiss them as ridiculous or over-exaggerated. In reality, she is extremely self-centered – I saw her through her divorce, three breake-ups, including the man she married in 2014. An ear at the ready. If I’m honest, I didn’t share overmuch with her and I think it’s my subconscious that was paying attention. No loss. It just bugs me because when we got together, we always had fun. Sweep, sweep… buh-bye.

        I swear, EVERYONE knows someone who plays (my former boss, being one). There was mention at this year’s New Years Eve gathering for a couple of us to join them to try. Crickets since then and frankly, I won’t remind them! I am not the best at raquet sports, though I played squash and raquetball once upon a time.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Yes, yes! You said it. Looking back there were signs that I was a pawn in her games, but I over-looked them. Like you I never confided much in this woman so maybe I knew intuitively who she really was.

          Pickleball is popular around here, but only in certain parts of the city. Or at least that’s my perception of what’s going on. I don’t go out of my way to keep up on recreational sports played by the over 50 crowd so what do I know? 🤷‍♀️

          Liked by 1 person

  8. I was seriously (and painfully) ghosted many years ago. I had a 20 year ying-yang friendship. We hung together and had fun but every 6 months of so, she wouldn’t talk to you for a month or two because of some perceived offense you said or did (that she never talked to you about so you couldn’t fix). I moved out of state for a while and we kept up this bizarre friendship (I didn’t realize how bizarre it was at the time). When I moved back. She reached out. I invited her to dinner at my house. She accepted. I bought all the stuff and started to make it. She didn’t show up. I called her and it went to voice mail. I asked if maybe I got the days confused. Didn’t hear anything for a few days. Then there was a voice message put on my land line (it was before cells were popular) while I was at work (to ensure she wouldn’t have to talk to me). Her niece had asked her to babysit. That’s it. No apology or attempt at anything friendly. For me that was it. I’ve never talked to her since or heard from her. I don’t know what happened but at this point in my life I was done with drama.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kate, this is an amazing story. I understand why/how you kept in touch with this friend even though she’d bug out on you over something you supposedly, maybe, did. I’ve known overly touchy people like that who need drama in their lives.

      However the whole not showing up for dinner thing though… that’s intentional and mean-spirited and unacceptable. I’m sorry it happened but also glad you said “the end” and haven’t looked back. She sounds like a narcissistic piece of work. 😒

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Oof. Familiar territory…a connecting thread between us. When I read these words – your mischievous mulling about just showing up being: “…more bothersome & petty than worthwhile & victorious” I grinned. Yup. Agree, agree…although oh-so tempting, eh? And yes. I’ve had the ghosting experience with mean girls…a few that I once worked with especially after I started a business and began writing. It took me a while to figure it out (after endless rounds of trying to please the Queen in the group) and gave up, but it took far too long. I finally woke up when she forgot to exclude me from a group text where she complained about me and the food I’d served at a brunch gathering at my home…that she asked me to host. I couldn’t help but reply to the group message and wrote, “So sorry to hear you didn’t enjoy yourself…” and I haven’t heard from her since. Oy and Oof. Cheers to you for moving on. 😜💕😜

    Liked by 1 person

  10. An interesting topic, Ally. I was once ghosted many years ago by a group of four women who, unbeknownst to me, were “testing” me to see if I fit in. Apparently I didn’t. I just let it go but interestingly, their queen bee, whom I always saw as covering a certain discomfort with me, phoned to apologise and also sent a huge bouquet of flowers. It was weird and after that I was glad to have been ghosted. It also happened another time with a volunteer organisation I was involved with but many of us were and the organisation eventually collapsed as a result of the king bee’s micromanagement. I’ve never ghosted anyone deliberately although I’m not a big socialiser and may done so intentionally. I can be awkward.

    The group text mistake thing has only happened once but that was with people I know well so I told them. The topic was also completely mundane.

    The most control freaky? I’ve known several whose pictures could have been in a textbook. My mother was one. Unless it’s a work situation, I avoid those types as much as possible. I’m an introvert, so I’m not someone who will put up with lots of undesirable characteristics to secure status or avoid being alone.

    I don’t play pickleball. Perhaps this is unfair of me, but it feels like a fad for the in kids.

    You always ask questions that make me think about these human interactions in very meaningful ways, Ally. Cheers.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lynnette, you were “tested” to see if you’d fit in! I laughed out loud on that one. Oh my, I’m going to go ahead and say that you were lucky that you failed the test. What a group of control freaks!

      I’ve walked away from relationships but with definite final conversations wherein I was clear about why it was over. I’ve yet to just ghost someone… but there’s still time.

      I’m an introvert, too. I don’t care about social status so like you it’s not difficult be alone. Pickleball is a fad here too. Except I see it played by the over 50 crowd, not younger people.

      Thanks for reading and commenting. I can assure I didn’t set out to write about people who ghost you, until it happened to me. And seemed blogworthy.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Pickleball? Oh God, no! All that sideways movement spells death for aging knees. Plus, it means running around in the sun and heat – a deal breaker for me.
    I don’t get the worldwide craze for pickleball. Even the name sounds dumb- lol
    Queen bees are the same the world over. They are best given a wide swerve.
    Being ghosted isn’t nice. When it has happened to me, I don’t usually understand and ponder why- self analysing in case I inadvertantly created an issue.
    Social rejection is the most painful of feelings for people. But invariably part of life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Amanda, you raise a good point: why is it called pickleball? Rhetorical question, but it is popular here in some places. I’m with you about not destroying my knees so I’ll pass.

      I’ve no doubt that queen bees are on every continent. It’s a personality type that is about 180º opposite of mine. I know that for some people everything is about control and social status.

      I take your point about how being ghosted can lead to self-doubt. It comes down to expectations I suppose. If you do what the queen bee expects you’re in. Otherwise you’ve been rejected and left feeling bad about yourself… but maybe lucky in the long run.

      Like

  12. Years ago I got accidentally included on an email for a writing group coordinating their next meeting. I only knew one person in the group, but their email conversation was so great I outed myself (rather than continue lurking) and asked if I might be able to join them. A few of them became good friends, and the connection was something I really needed. It might be that the one person I knew accidentally on purpose included me (knowing that I was in need of a boost/support), but she’s always denied it. She claims it was serendipity, a power she fiercely believes in.

    Your story reminds me that I would much rather have a small group of real friends than a wide circle of superficial ones. I think you absolutely made the right choice. If you were in a movie, of course, you’d have to have crashed the breakfast club, but no drama is usually the best choice in real life, isn’t it?

    Liked by 2 people

    • Rita, I’m loving your experience with writing serendipity. Not all mistakes are mistakes, as your friends prove. I’m delighted for you.

      Yes! I’m so with you about avoiding drama in real life. I could have gone and crashed their breakfast, but to what end? A little revenge, sure— but I’m lazy and all that driving to shock some mean girls isn’t my thing.

      Like

  13. I can’t say I’ve ever been ghosted, but friends come into our lives at different times.. and sadly, sometimes they fade out as well.
    I’ve never played pickleball, a bad knee restricts me from doing anything fun these days, but years ago we played a game called smashball which seems very similar.
    As for group texts, I hate them and bow out as soon as I politely can. All that message dinging drives me nuts.
    😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • River, you’re right that people come and go in our lives and that’s how it should be. I’m not sad that Kathleen dropped me, although the timing during the pandemic was when most friends were making more a commitment to staying in touch.

      I don’t know about smashball. I missed that entirely. And so far I’ve stayed away form pickleball, I have bad knees too.

      I know what you mean about group texts, not usually my thing. BUT the opportunity to spy on the mean girls was too much for me. They’re every bit as shallow as I thought they were.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Mysterious indeed! Are you going to ask her to remove you from the group text? I signed on a group text once for class notifications and ended up being deluged with nonsense banter minute by minute day by day – I couldn’t find a way to get out of it without notifying the ‘leader’ but it had to be done or my life would revolve around clicking&deleting texts every 10 minutes on a daily basis. It was awkward at first, but a huge relief once I finally got out of that group text loop.
    Nope don’t play pickleball – was interested at first, but when I learned it takes a huge toll on one’s wrists, I decided to stick with ping pong! HA!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Laura, after this one evening of being part of the pickleball breakfast text group, it’s never happened again. I think Kathleen, or one of the wannabes, must have figured out I was included so now I’m not. Hallelujah! I can imagine how annoying your text chain experience was. I’m glad you got that rectified.

      I didn’t know about how pickleball can take a toll on your wrists but now that you say it… of course it can. I was thinking more about knee problems. Ping pong is nice. Badminton is better. 😜

      Liked by 1 person

  15. I’ve been on both sides at various times in my life. From my side of the ghosting I would say that I never quite knew how to tell someone that the relationship just wasn’t working for me anymore. They were typically friendships (?) that probably shouldn’t have been labeled as such, if that makes sense.

    I have found myself in group texts that I WISHED I didn’t belong in and hated every moment.

    Sometimes I think I am the most control freaky person I know 😉 Seriously though I have mellowed quite a bit. There are other things that bother me much more about people than control issues.

    Never played pickleball. I was awful at tennis, love ping pong and badminton however and tried racquetball a few times and thought I was going to die.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Deb, what you say makes perfect sense: “friendships (?) that probably shouldn’t have been labeled as such.” That’s a good way of looking at ghosting. In retrospect I only knew Kathleen through extenuating circumstances so not really a friend, more of an acquaintance.

      Smiling about your group text comment. Yep, agree.

      I get it. You’re the control freak, eh? That’s insightful as is your awareness that you’ve mellowed. I used to be a perfectionist but adult real life washed that out of me.

      I never liked tennis or racquetball so not inclined to try pickleball. However I’m always up for a good game of badminton.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. I would have been SO TEMPTED to show up. Honestly, an hour’s drive is nothing, and you could have had so much satisfaction/fun. It would make a great story/movie.

    I don’t play pickleball, and I don’t get why it’s so popular. I also don’t get the name. Actually, I really hate the name: it’s ugly, it makes no sense at all, and it feels ugly to even say. Is it just tennis for the Not So Athletic/More Arthritic?

    Liked by 1 person

    • nance, I did seriously contemplate going to breakfast the next morning with the mean girls, but you forget I’m a slug! Also drama isn’t my thing… but I thought about it.

      I don’t get the appeal of pickleball either, but sense it’s a status-y thing. You buy special clothes, you buy a racquet and a pretty case, you reserve a court, you make plans for breakfast with your friends! And all the while people are seeing you everywhere being hip! Win-win?

      Like

  17. Thinking about these last five years, has anyone ghosted you? Have you ghosted anyone? Details if you please.

    Yep, I’ve been ghosted alright but I won’t tell more details than that. It sucks to be ghosted, especially if it’s something that can be a really positive thing in your life. I have friends as well who have ghosted me, both for good and for really bad reasons.

    Have you ever found yourself in a group text where you didn’t belong? If so, what did you do?

    I just kept on being myself, and got all the shit for it. It still affects me today actually.

    Who’s the most control freaky person you know in real life?
    Besides me? 😂 perhaps my mother, but I don’t want to call her out. And she’s not that bad of a control freak either. There are plenty to choose from!

    Do you play pickleball?
    No. I don’t even know what sport that is if I’m honest!

    I hope my answers are easy to read. I was hoping to format them a little.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Fedora Pancakes, I can understand how being ghosted could make a person sad. I mean, at first 5 years ago I was depressed but eventually figured it was for the best. Thus my surprise to see the text from Kathleen.

      I’m sorry about your negative group text experience. Communication via texts is great until it isn’t.

      I’m smiling about your mother being your control freak. Many are, for good reasons often enough. You seem to realize that.

      Pickleball is kind of like tennis on a smaller court using a large racket that looks like a tennis racket. And people buy special clothes for some reason. I’ve never played nor watched a game. I just know it’s popular, trendy even.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. I am sure I would have fantasized about showing up for breakfast, and probably take it even further, dreaming that everyone would flock to me and I’d become the new queen bee, but a very nice one who would treat even the little control freak with respect. But no, it would end up being just a nice fantasy, accompanied by a request to be removed from the list.
    I was included on a group chat for a class I was taking once and my phone was pinging every five minutes, mostly with people sending each other emojis and silly little comments back and forth, back and forth. Did these people not have a life? Although I liked them, I definitely asked to be removed from that one, but felt quite awkward doing so, it was like I was rejecting them rather than just wanting to end the constant interruptions.
    Never played pickle ball, probably never will!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dorothy, I like your dream of becoming the new queen bee, a kind one like Glinda the Good Witch replacing the Wicked Witch of the West. I think someone must have figured out I don’t belong on the list because this mess up has only happened once.

      You ask: “Did these people not have a life?” I wonder that too when the emojis start flying and I lose track of who is talking about what. Glad to know I’m not alone.

      I’ve not played pickleball either. Probably too much strain on my knees.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. I would NOT have gone to that breakfast spot, but if it was nearby I would’ve been tempted to show up . . . maybe with my own group of breakfast goers. Ha.

    I do not play pickle. The most controlling person I know in real life if my sister, Ann. She’s the oldest and the bossiest. She went thru a very difficult divorce, so everyone in the family tip toes around her. Her husband was abusive- verbally, mentally, physically. That was rough for her because she has a ‘just so’ requirement – that all things must be just so. If she took a photo of one child in front of a tree in their yard on the first day of school, then each child is to have THAT SAME PHOTO, same tree, etc. Never would it do to pose for a photo with a different tree, or in the school parking lot. See what I mean? I’ve distanced myself from her, which isn’t difficult. I’ve held her accountable for her actions in the past, a true no-no, so she dislikes me anyway. She’s been as unsupportive of our adoptive process as one who decides things and who didn’t sanction this can be, if you catch my drift.

    I haven’t ghosted someone or been ghosted by someone who is controlling since the pandemic, BUT – I had a friend who had kids the same ages as mine. She lived in the neighborhood. Our husbands hit it off. Gradually I noticed that she had a habit of behaving like my sister, Ann. (they actually have the same real life name, and they are both the oldest in their families). We moved to a different neighborhood and our kids switched to a public school eventually, and I allowed distance to form. It was a shame, because finding another couple that have so much in common is not easy. Coach saw it too though, and he understood – she was bad news and truly mean, all while referencing her faith. Huh?

    Anyway, our kids went to the same high school, so I cross paths with her at times. She’s taken to whispering when she speaks, my guess is to control the other person, make them tune in and lean in close. Couldn’t be weirder. I know she has a group of friends, but I also know that she hasn’t shown them that side. I think she felt competitive with me, and had to keep me in check, if that makes sense. I find it exhausting to try to act a set way with women you want to be included with and then another way with people you want to control or be better than.

    Clearly, I had thoughts on this. Oh, my kids were friends with her kids again when they reunited in hs and her kids would share instances with my kids where they rolled their eyes, saying ‘My mom is crazy.’ You don’t say?

    Liked by 1 person

    • ernie, I didn’t think of bringing my own gang with me to the breakfast. You are deviously brilliant.

      Your sister Ann sounds like a bit of a head case, as they used to say. I get that she’s had difficulties, but it’s sad that instead of being more empathetic she’s remained rigid. The yearly child in front of the same tree photo op is bonkers. What if the tree dies or is hit by lightning?

      I’m sure you were wise to create distance between you and the other couple. Not all friendships are meant to last forever, so seems sensible to accept that and move on.

      She whispers when she talks now? Oh that is WEIRD times about 100. Maybe she does feel in competition with you, some people view all of life as a game they have to win. Best to not be a pawn in their games. Sounds like the kids have her number, too.

      Like

  20. She still has your phone number because she may need your help some day and she assumes you’ll give it to her because that’s the kind of person you are. BTW, she’s probably right.

    I ghosted a person, but not subtlety. I told him outright I was done with him because he insulted my wife and maintained that it was OK because it was funny. Humor at someone’s expense is never OK.

    If I’ve been ghosted, it’s on my blog and it really doesn’t bother me. I lost track of a person I was friends with in high school, but recently another old friend reached out to me. Balance achieved, I’m good.

    I know several control freaky people, but I never thought to rank them. I have joked about putting two of them in a room together.

    I don’t play pickleball. Pretty much, if something became popular with the cool kids (not including those who comment here), I didn’t do it or stopped doing it.

    I hope you have a wonderful week.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dan, you’ve explained the phone number thing perfectly. I hope I’m sensible enough to not get drawn into her clique again, but you could be right. It sucks being nice.

      Good for you setting boundaries with people who joke in a mocking way. I’ve done the same thing. Play nice or go home.

      I don’t feel much of anything about Kathleen. She’s someone I knew, thought cared about me, but doesn’t. Now that I’m clear about that I wish her well… far away from me.

      So far no one who comments here seems to play pickleball. Maybe it’s something for the popular kids to do while we cool sit back and watch from afar! That tracks.

      Liked by 1 person

  22. You showing up would have been hilarious…but also a waste of your time. I was once included in a group text titled “Tuscany 2024!” from a phone # I didn’t recognize. However, it also had the phone number of one of my less close sisters. From the chatter, I gathered that the sister, my big brother, my ex-stepbrother, and their respective spouses were going on a cycling holiday in Italy. I don’t even own a bike. Eventually they realized I was included by accident and created another chat. Too bad, I would have enjoyed those eavesdropping on flat tires and other adventures.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Ally, I see this as one of two possibilities – accident or intentional. The thought that it was intentional, as in, ‘look at me, I’ve moved on with this great group of friends’, is a bit sick. But, including you in a group text that you were never included in before is unlikely. Unless your name is similar to another in the group, she would have intentionally added you. Either way, you did the right thing by not acknowledgeing or showing up. Mean girls don’t change.

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    • Suzanne, I didn’t think about the possibility that this text was intentional to show me how she was a queen bee doing the most popular things now. That’d be a little far to go to show me she still ruled a group of mean girls… but not out of the question.

      You’re so right: “Mean girls don’t change.” But I have.

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  24. I was part of a small walking group of 4 ladies, but our schedules don’t always match up for walking so one in the group expanded the group text to 10 people. The other 6 are very cliquish. Think mean girls high school clique. Within months the group walks stopped. I lurk on the group text. I don’t respond to too many texts. Mostly I respond to requests about power outages the few times we’ve had one. That’s all the group text is now.

    I reach out to the original ladies in the group privately or on a separate thread to see if they’re free to walk.

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    • Deborah, that’s a shame that the walking group fell about because of new mean girls who destroyed the camaraderie. Also not entirely unexpected because that’s what cliques often do. I can understand why you lurk on the texts now.

      Reaching out independently to arrange walks is a good approach. Sometimes being a free spirit is how you get things done.

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    • Jenn, while I’m right there with you about not being dragged back into Kathleen’s world, I couldn’t help but think of how delightful it’d be to disrupt it, if only for a few minutes. 😈

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  28. isn’t that interesting how covid changed the playing field in some of the interactions and relationships that we clearly had let go on too long? like this, some sorted themselves out organically. I’m sure this was an error on her part and she probably is cringing and fearful that you’d show up )

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    • Beth, you said it. Covid forced me to divide friendships into true blue or pretenders. I’m not sad about it, but aware that many relationships from 5 years ago have permanently changed. I do wonder how Kathleen feels about her mistake!

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  29. I actually believe that BECAUSE Kathleen is a Control Freak Extraordinaire, this is why she kept your number. Just in case she ever needs you, for whatever freaky reason she believes. I abhor group texts and immediately silence notifications. If I’m invited somewhere and I want to go, I’ll show up. I don’t need to see what everyone else is doing.

    One of my childhood friends ghosted me (and the rest of our high school friend group) about 20 years ago. None of us can figure it out. She attended a little reunion one of us had when we all turned 40 and then, it was crickets. Like you, I reached out to her with an email during the Lockdown and she gave me a one sentence response, even though my email asked her all about how she and her daughter and husband were doing. I also sent her a birthday card when she turned 60 (a month before I did) and again, nothing. Time to give up!

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    • Bijoux, you raise a good point about why Kathleen may have kept my phone number. I deleted hers but instantly recognized her text message by her number. I’m not a fan of group texts either. Same reason as you.

      Your experience with your high school friend is peculiar, but I suppose happens more often than we think. I’m glad you reached out but also glad you’ve moved on. People do what they do for their own reasons, sometimes for reasons that defy logic. Like Kate said above, whatevs. 🤷‍♀️

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  30. Hi Ally! I think you have the right attitude about this situation! It’s fun to imagine crashing their get-together, but honestly, it would take too much energy! I love how you called it her exalted list of contacts! She sounds like a special piece of work, and while she may have been fun to hang out with at one time, people do change.

    Yes, I have ghosted people, and didn’t feel bad about it because it was to protect my mental health.

    Yes, I have been ghosted because I wouldn’t do something or act a certain way.

    But, luckily, it doesn’t happen often, and it hasn’t happened in a way that caused me or the other person much pain. (Well, I hope anyway!) I’m a gentle ghost! I much prefer ghosting and being ghosted over having a brawl!

    I have not ever been in a group text where I didn’t belong – that would bug me for sure! I don’t even know what I’d do! Awkward!
    Luckily, I don’t have any control freaks in my life right now. I probably ghosted all of them! 🤣
    I do not play pickleball.

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    • Michelle G., in theory it might have been fun to show up to the breakfast, but in practice that’s not my style. I wish them all well in their endeavors, preferably without me.

      I realize that not all situations of ghosting are bad. In fact I’d say Kathleen did me, us, a favor by dropping me. I like your gentle ghost concept, it explains what happens. I’m not much for drama so better for both of us to disconnect.

      The group text angle of this story was a fascinating twist. I had to watch what they were saying. HAD TO, I tell you! And I pretty much learned these women were same old, same old. I’m not missing anything.

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  31. I’ve definitely done my share of ghosting, and I have no regrets about it.

    I’ve found myself in group text situations, and I’m not a fan. I usually just leave the group or silence it.

    I don’t know much about pickleball, but maybe you should hide in the bushes and throw balls at them! That sounds like fun, no?

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  32. Oh gosh, what a pickle! 😃🫣🎾
    I’ve been ghosted, added to wrong emails, and once an evil ex-colleague even sent me a chat message where she was bad-mouthing me, oopsie. She did apologise after I replied, I think you sent this to the wrong person. She was older than me and seemed genuinely embarrassed, but that doesn’t take away the fact that she was still a bitch 😆 The delicious feeling of seeing her squirming was largely offset by the shockful hurtfulness of her original message, so no winners in this story. Do not recommend.

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    • Snow, I’ve been waiting for someone to say that. Thank you. 😆

      Your experience with your older colleague is one that underscores how easily this text mix-up can happen and does happen. I’m sorry you were badmouthed but you handled it well. Still you’re right, you had no winners in your story. My story is more benign, more like a rite of passage rather than anything malicious..

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  33. I’ve been ghosted by someone that I would NEVER have guessed would do it. C’est la vie. Whatevs (as I just taught the 2 year old to say). The biking group kept including me in group texts until I mentioned i was unlikely to ever drive in on a regular basis. Now, i kind of miss the opportunity to join them, but I know I can invite myself back. If I feel like 50 km some Saturday morning! Freaky control – oh wait, that’s likely me! As to pickleball, it’s a no for the trauma operating room reason. It ranks up there with horses for injuries. Way higher than soccer or bike riding. It’s not much of a status thing here, though. You go, drop your name in the hat, and play against the name in the hat. Our friend (the non pie eater English guy) organizes one in a school gym on Friday nights – total fun and zero status. His teenager and her friends, old people like me and in between. Then we go for drinks or pie. I have declined to play but my other half does.

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    • Bernie, fascinating how someone you’d never guess ghosted you. It takes all kinds and yet we move on. Whatevs. 😁

      You’re the control freak, you say? Duly noted and I’m smiling. I like your in and out approach to your biking group, keeping your options open.

      I know little about pickleball but your take on it from a trauma operating room perspective is sobering. Playing it for fun in a school gym would be more my speed than playing it officially at “the club” but I doubt I’ll try it. Now as for your drinks or pie after… count me in.

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  34. Somewhere along the thread you must have gotten something like this:
    I’m okay with the fact that people will float into your life and out again. These people are there for a season, but after 5, 10, 20, even 30 years the relationship doesn’t work anymore, and I don’t try to maintain it–an exercise in futility anyway.

    Toxic people, like Kathleen, are certainly not worth the trouble. Good riddance, I say.

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    • Marian, I agree with you about how people come and go in our lives. I think the pandemic sped up the end of my friendship, if it was even that, with Kathleen. I have no hard feelings, but will also keep her at arm’s length whenever she enters the picture. Which is why the text out of nowhere was entertaining but I was also cautious.

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  35. Oh, dear, I’m not sure if I’ve ever been purposely ghosted (although I’d be happy to be ghosted by someone like Kathleen). I have someone that I still consider a friend that I have not heard from in many years. I’ll call her Sue. She used to live in my town, then she moved to Oregon with her then-husband over 25 years ago. For a while we exchanged cards. My husband and I visited with her and her then-husband when I had a business trip in Portland in 2001. Whenever she came to our town–like maybe a couple of times–a group of us would always get together. After her last visit, we didn’t hear anything from her directly. Any news always came through the one person in our group who seemed to have contact with her. Long story short: she had some very sad life events that likely kept her from being in touch. First, she cared for her father as he died, and then her boyfriend after he was diagnosed with brain cancer. Has he died? We don’t know. As happens with some of these long friendships, people drift apart and the one person who seemed able to keep tabs on her has removed herself from our (very) small group of friends. But, my point is, over the years, I’ve heard this is “just like Sue.” That she tended not to keep in touch, not to answer her phone, not to respond to emails or texts, and not to give much in the way of notice when she came to visit. Her silence didn’t mean she didn’t care. She just didn’t keep in touch. Some people are like that, I guess.

    Thankfully, I haven’t been included in group texts where I didn’t belong. i have been included in group texts that I didn’t want to be included in, but even in those, not responding seems to be the best response.

    I know too many control freaks. My mother (RIP) was one. Not so much in her later years, but definitely for most of my life. And, thus, by extension, my siblings–deceased and former (my brother is very controlling, no doubt why he’s had three marriages end in divorce). My last boss was very controlling although we managed to develop a good relationship before I retired. I could have developed into more of a control freak if it weren’t for my husband’s will to self-determination 🙂

    I do not play pickleball. In fact, I do not play any kind of group sports. When I was a kid, I always performed poorly in school sports. Another reason why I couldn’t wait to graduate high school.

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    • Marie, your story with Sue leads to a profound observation about friendships: “Her silence didn’t mean she didn’t care. She just didn’t keep in touch. Some people are like that, I guess.” I think that’s true more times than we realize.

      It’s easy to personalize why someone you used to call a friend drops you, but often it has little to do with you. That person is in a bad place and doesn’t have the energy for the past. I get that.

      You’ve had your share of control freaks in your life. I know that one person’s take on what it means to be a control freak can vary from another person’s. Definitions vary, but when I sense those mean girl vibes I don’t hang around to find out more. Sounds like your husband has kept you from going too far into being a control freak.

      Ditto about the group sports. Hated them in high school and have avoided them since. I don’t care if other people play games, but unless it’s a leisurely game of badminton I’m not playing any racquet sports.

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      • Yeah, Sue was not a mean girl. She actually was very easy to be around. I have a thin skin so I also try to avoid being with anyone who gives off mean girl vibes, or just bad vibes in general. This is reminding me of a friend of a friend who I don’t like. Thankfully I’ve only had to be in her company a couple of times, but both times she ignored me even when the three of us were (supposedly) having a conversation. This woman either purposely ignores me or doesn’t “see” me. When she’s with our mutual friend, it’s like I suddenly don’t exist. Ugh. Maybe it’s training from my workplace, but when I’m with a group, I make eye contact with everyone, and I try to mindful about whether I’m talking too much. It feels very high school, like, this woman is suggesting in a passive way, “D is my friend, not yours. Go away.” Double ugh.

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        • That’s a lousy situation to be in and I don’t know how I’d react to it. Like you I was reared to make eye contact and monitor myself so that I don’t talk too much, listen more than I speak. I cannot imagine being purposefully ignored by someone who is so controlling she denies your existence. That’s sick weird behavior on her part. Good to stay away.

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  37. Pickleball is for losers– I play tennis (a real game!). Yep, that’s me being snarky with your queen bee :). I don’t have time for mean girl sh!t. Besides, i gave it up for lent. But yes, years ago I was on a facebook PM that wasn’t supposed to include me. I think my “friend” had originally meant to include me on the group chat, but then changed her mind and deleted me from the conversation– only, I ended up being able to see the entire thing. It was kind of funny, but honestly hurt my feelings. Some of the other ladies asked why I wasn’t invited, and then I could see what they wrote about me. Not flattering. I left facebook shortly after and have not been back. I have zero friends now. Toadally true!

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    • Pink, I’m laughing about your pro-tennis stance. I believe you because I don’t play either sport so whatever you say is okay by me.

      What an uncomfortable thing to happen to you on FB. I’m sorry your feelings were hurt, but I suppose, maybe, it’s better to know where you really stand with so-called friends. In the text group I wasn’t badmouthed because I don’t think anyone was thinking about me at all. So there’s that. I’m invisible.

      I left FB probably 10 years ago now. Haven’t missed it. Sounds like you’re better off without it, too.

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  38. A loooong time ago, before texting was a thing, I had a best friend. We did everything together with her and her husband – went on vacations, spent every Sunday evening together, (and some Saturdays and Fridays too), I was matron of honor at her wedding…etc. For some reason, which neither of us can remember, we ghosted each other at the same time. I think it was mutual, but I’m not 100% sure. Years later, we asked each other why and neither one of us could come up with a good answer. By that time, we were at different points in our lives with kids, husbands, jobs, etc. and, while we were friendly, we were not friends. Fast forward another few years, and now we are best friends again. We text almost every day. We see each other regularly. We belong to the same book club. Life is funny. You never know…maybe you will be friends with Ms. Bossypants again. Probably a good thing not to burn too many bridges.

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    • Laurie, I like the progression of your friendship. It seems organic and meant to be. It’s amazing your found each other again when you both were in the same headspace and I’m pleased it’s worked out for you.

      I agree about not burning too many bridges. There are boundaries, and then there are BOUNDARIES. The first may be temporary while the latter are final. We’ll see what evolves in the case of Kathleen, she could learn to relax yet.

      Like

    • Janet, your mistake sending a text to the wrong person is innocent. No one was un-ghosted by it. Until I wrote this post I had no idea how many people get hurt playing pickleball. I just knew it was a thing, trendy, something I’ll not try to play.

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  40. Timely post as I sit here chuckling. I had been friends with a woman since 2009 and was ghosted just this past January. She kept texting, I’d answer, then she’d text and ask why I didn’t answer. Then I got texts and voice messages as to what is wrong with me and why am I not responding. I responded and said maybe our phones weren’t communicating but I’d answered every text, and I hoped she had a good day. The end. 🙂 She was very emotional, couldn’t make up her mind, flipped from side to side, and here I am a pragmatic introvert. I haven’t tried to patch it up because I don’t think I did anything to apologize for, and I’m enjoying the quiet. 🙂 Yes, I’ve been in a group text and usually I just laugh out loud and let it go. I know several control freaks but I just let them do their thing. No, I don’t play pickleball, and the courts here have been getting bad press for being too noisy with neighbors really complaining about them. Now, I need to get a cup of coffee and rest. You taxed my brain. 🙂

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    • Judy, your confused friend [former acquaintance?] sounds like trouble. Maybe she’ll forget about you, a *boring* pragmatic introvert. I’m one of them too and don’t need anyone’s emotionally unhinged attitude in my life. I get why you’ve taken the stand you have.

      I don’t mind being mistakenly included in a group text and usually would just delete the mess, but in this case I was curious. You understand.

      No kidding, bad press for pickleball‽ Huh. We must be lagging behind because around here it’s in the press reported in a positive light. Still, and this is key, I have no interest in trying it. 🙄

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  41. I like how you handled this, like water off a duck’s back. The older I get the easier it is to not get myself stuck in thoughts about what I *imagine* former friends, roommates, or classmates think about me.

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  42. Some people are simply not well adjusted socially. They need others to build up their fragile egos and can’t easily exist in the real world where they might have to give and not just take. They don’t make good friends so I try to avoid getting involved with them. I’m happy to have the friends I have, but I don’t use them and don’t like it when others try to use me. So probably those people you mentioned who “ghost” their friends were not really friends at all.

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    • Anne, a sound assessment of what makes people tick. I agree, not everyone is adjusted socially and some default to using other people. When I first started hanging out with Kathleen I didn’t feel like she was a control freak, but over the years she changed. Good for her, of course— but not for me. I imagine you’re right we weren’t really true friends to begin with. Oh well.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve had a similar experience with a couple of “friends” over the years, and in both cases I think the people changed. People DO change but in this case they changed too far from my basic philosophy of what is good and right, and I needed to hang onto my own values more than I needed their kind of “friendship.”

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        • Yes, I understand what you’re saying. I like the idea that people change, but you’re right if the people change in ways that are in keeping with your values then all is good. But when you drift apart to opposite ideas, then maybe it’s best to go your own ways.

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  43. So strange about the ghosting, but honestly people do change and maybe that is the case, you got mellower as she got bossier. And while it is a very funny idea to just pop in at the brunch, well, I’d never do that either. Why make yourself feel bad, which is honestly how it would feel to go to a place that you weren’t really invited to by someone who ghosted you.
    I wouldn’t say anyone ghosted me, particularly about the pandemic, but some friends lost touch with me when I moved. I say they lost touch with me because I continued to reach out, but got very little back. So maybe they did ghost me! But it was a slow ghost, I guess. I think once I wasn’t in someone’s physical radar, they kind of…not forgot about me, but I just became a non-priority. Well, friends are there for a reason, season, or lifetime, and seasons do change.

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    • Nicole, that’s exactly what happened between Kathleen and me. She’s happy with who she’s become and I’m the same way. I’m not upset by what happened, wish her no ill-will, but also think it’s best we stay apart. And going to the breakfast, EVEN THOUGH I WAS INVITED, seemed like a bad idea.

      I adhere to the reason, season, lifetime philosophy about friendships, too. I remember when we moved here years ago, many friends from my former town slowly disappeared. No harm, no foul about that. You’re right we become non-priorities & maybe that’s how it should be.

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  45. It sounds to me like Kathleen decided that you weren’t compliant enough with her bossiness; sounds like you are well rid of that one. Odds are she’s one of those people who never curate their contact lists and was trying to reach someone else with your first name and accidently added you instead.

    Oh yes, the temptation to join breakfast would have been strong for me; but I know I wouldn’t have done it.

    The most controlling person I can think of in the recent history of my life was the CEO at my last job. She was a piece of work, let me tell you – and the reason I’m no longer at that job. Apparently, I wasn’t compliant enough for her.

    No, I do not – and don’t plan to – play pickleball.

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    • Gigi, I imagine you’re right about how I accidentally ended up on the group text. My first name isn’t unusual. I was surprised when I saw who the text was from, but also darned curious about why she was texting me.

      I thought about going to breakfast, but also knew I’m not the type to make a scene. Plus as I mentioned no way was I driving 2 hours round trip to annoy a bunch of mean girls. Honestly I do have a life.

      Oh a control freak at work is worse than having one in your social life. I’m sorry you ran into her because look where it got you. I hope your next job is working for someone who appreciates your strength.

      No one who has commented so far seems interested in pickleball, yet I hear about it often. Maybe the people who like it are very vocal about it. 😉

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  46. No, no, myself to some extent unfortunately, i own skechers pickleball sneakers (primarily because they look cool) yet I have never played pickleball in my life.

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  48. Not in the last five years but I do know what it’s like to be ghosted. My ex-boss was a total control freak – she would ask your opinion and then proceed to tell you why it was wrong and you couldn’t just say “you have your opinion and I have mine” – she argued until you’d say “you’re right.” I haven’t stayed in touch with her! Pickleball is the most vicious game I’ve ever played. Those people are out for blood!

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  49. Pickleball is becoming a very popular sport here in NZ. I haven’t played though at one stage I was thinking of joining. I play basketball and I can tell you that being competitive does not change with age. I have had to say goodbye to someone I thought was a friend who would only check in when it suited her not when a friend was going through a hard time. As they say, less is more.

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    • Suzanne, I know that pickleball has been around for a while, but it’s only been lately that I’ve seen it around here. This is the midwest USA so trends arrive slowly.

      Excellent point of view about the ghost friend phenomenon. Less is more explains it succinctly.

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  50. I have been ghosted by my niece, because I mentioned her mother in a Facebook post that I accidently tagged my niece in, she didn’t talk to me for about a year. I don’t remember ever being in a group chat I wasn’t suppose to be in. The control freak in this family is Natasha. I have no idea what pickleball is never heard of it

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    • Joanne, FB could be the source of evil when it comes to people ghosting each other. I’m not there, but I hear things. Not surprised by your experiences.

      Pickleball is a court game that involves a small tennis-like racket and a confusing set of rules that seem to baffle as much as clarify. It’s a trendy thing, but also maybe is a good game? I dunno, it’s just a thing around here.

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  51. No pickleball here. I think I cut out control freaks waaaay before the pandemic. I’m watching a long distance friendship right now cause she’s suddenly acting weird… if she cuts me out, so be it.

    I agree about still having you in her contacts. I think that’s weird, but apparently a lot of people never remove anyone.

    I would have fantasized about showing up, but wouldn’t actually do it… too much effort for no point

    I used to have a neighbor, shared living room wall – front doors 10′ apart, who’d make plans with me ALL the time, then get a better offer and, instead of simply saying she changed her mind (I gave LOTS of opps), would ghost me IRL till after the planned event passed. It was so weird and annoying!! I finally stopped being the one who coordinated, bought the tix, etc and always had backup plans, so I wouldn’t be sitting home getting mad.

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    • leendadll, it is kind of interesting to see people morph into someone who makes no sense to you.

      I’m conscientious about who is in my contacts, but you’re right not everyone does that. Case in point.

      Smart move about the neighbor. Beyond being insincere it’s just plain weird. I mean really. I’m glad you found a way to keep yourself sane in spite of her. People can annoying.

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  53. I don’t understand people like this at all. I too have been dumped by friends for no apparent reason and have come to realize that it was actually for the best. Anyone who would act like that was never a friend to begin with.

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    • Margaret, I agree with you. I don’t understand people like Kathleen but I also know that it has nothing to do with me really. I just am not who she wants me to be and for that I am shunned. So be it. Better off without her.

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  54. I discovered Pickleball after I retired and loved it for the physical and social aspects until I tweaked my knee. Since I’ve previously had two knee surgeries on the same knee, it didn’t seem like it was worth the risk.

    Most personality types don’t bother me, but I don’t like control freaks, especially ones who use their control to bully others. We men certainly have our share of problems, but this one seems to be more of an issue with women than men. I’ve only attended one high school reunion (not a particularly happy time in my life), but I still remember that one of the queen bees from high school had lost her looks and influence in the interim.

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    • Pete, until I wrote this post and started chatting in the comments I didn’t realize pickleball was tough on the knees. Others have mentioned it and now that I think about it, I can understand why.

      Astute observation about how women seem to embody the control freak personality more often than men. [Although I did work for a control freak lawyer once and HE was a nightmare.] I wonder how difficult it was for your high school queen bee to not be calling the shots. I’d guess that would be difficult for someone to accept gracefully.

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  55. Perhaps the good news is that I know about pickleball, even though I don’t play. On the other hand, I don’t know what ‘ghosting’ is, and I’ve never been in a group text. I’ll just move over here to the side and contemplate the aging process…

    However! Control freaks? I’ve known a few in my life, and a couple of them were best in class. Unfortunately, one was a boss, and one was my mother. The boss was actively controlling, while Mom was the passive sort, and believe me: active is easier to deal with.
    Today? A few of my friends have controlling tendencies, but they’re mild, and easy to live with; every now and then I have to say “No” to the one who’s the great socializer and party-planner, but she takes it well. She just can’t figure out why I’d rather be outdoors hiking with my camera than shopping at a mall or going out for drinks. To each her own, and all that!

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    • Linda, best in class control freaks! I can understand how actively controlling is better than passively controlling. You make a good distinction with that point. Control freaks aren’t one size fits all.

      I used to know a woman who planned little adventures for everyone to do. She was an extrovert to the nth degree, while I am a quiet homebody who only joined in occasionally. I understand your preference to not socialize.

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  56. After Trump was elected in 2016, a long-time friend I had not seen in years I friended me on Facebook after I disagreed with one of her pro-Trump posts. I sort of ghosted a woman I used to work for, partly because we didn’t have anything in common after I left the business, and partly because she just never would open up to me the way I did to her.
    No
    My husband
    No

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  57. No way I’d go to breakfast! As you said, a waste of time. But I had the same response as you – I wondered why your name was still in her contacts. Maybe for those types how many people you know matters, regardless of the quality of relationship? What an interesting story!

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  58. I haven’t intentionally ghosted anyone. I realized not long ago that I haven’t reached out to a friend in a few months, but she hasn’t reached out to me either. Maybe we’ve just been busy; maybe that phase of our friendship has quietly ended.

    I used to be a control freak, but I’m much more laid back these days.

    I don’t think I’ve been in a group chat I shouldn’t have been in. Thank goodness. The legitimate ones are annoying enough, LOL.

    No pickleball for me!

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    • Linda, you raise a good point about intentionally ghosting someone versus allowing relationships to evolve to a different level. I know I’ve done what you mention with no malice involved, just moving on, happy to have known someone.

      I was a perfectionist when I was younger but am not anymore. But the thing with that was that I controlled me, not other people.

      Group texts/chats are annoying. So true. One of the downsides to instant communication at our fingertips.

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  59. My circle of friends seems to get smaller and smaller Ally, but not because of death, but just because we have drifted so far apart that even my closest friends, (those six pals where we each promised to name our firstborn children after members of our group, which was easy to do, since three of us were named “Linda”), I’ve not seen in decades.

    In 2000 our law firm was acquired by a larger firm in Richmond, Virginia, so I became friendly with the secretary to the head of the Labor and Employment group; my boss was the only Labor and Employment attorney at the Detroit firm We became good friends, spoke on the phone often, ostensibly for work purposes, although we chatted it up at the same time. After my boss/I left the Firm and went out on our own, we stayed in touch by e-mail, writing/whining at least once a day.

    Then Trump became President in 2016. She was a staunch Republican and had worked for the Reagan administration at one time. I commented about Trump shortly after he took office; she knew that I, a Canadian citizen, could not vote. She said “how dare you criticize my president – apologize to me or I don’t want anything to do with you again.” So I’d say I ghosted her as I never apologized and that was the end of a nice, albeit long-distance friendship.

    I’ve never been part of a group text like you were privy too i.e. being kind of a lurker in that situation. 🙂

    I don’t know any control freaks now, but I have in the past, one a co-worker, who drove everyone up the wall.

    I’ve never played pickleball, but since it is such a craze, I sometimes think I’m one of the few that has not tried it yet.

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    • Linda, I only stay in touch with a few women at this point, too. Childhood and girlhood and college friends have drifted away, not ghosting just moving on. I understand how you haven’t seen them in decades.

      I’m glad you didn’t apologize to the Trump supporter. She was out of line to say what she said, narrow-minded. Considering we have the right to free speech in this country regardless of who you are and where you’re originally from [hello Elon], she comes across as uninformed and petty. Better off without her in your life.

      From the comments here I’d say most people know of pickleball but few have played it. I’m not going to try it. I want my knees and wrists to stay in working order, thank you very much.

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      • If we had had cellphones and social media, it would have been different, but still you grow apart. I was close to our staff members of the college newspaper – we were all single and hung out in the newspaper room between classes and while working on the paper, plus on weekends and for concerts. But after we left the community college and went on to universities to finish our four-year degrees, there was no more contact. That’s fine too.

        I am not interested in resurrecting a relationship with her, but oddly enough, in all our correspondence and telephone calls, the subject of politics never came up before that day. I agree, better off without her.

        We’ll salvage our knees and wrists by staying away from pickleball. 🙂

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  60. Oooh girl! Its the Queen Bee and her mean girls, loss to have ghosted you! Do you think you would have gone to breakfast if it had been a much shorter distance?
    It would have been fun to see their faces. I can see a movie scene like that. LOL!

    Liked by 1 person

    • joyroses13, as much as going to breakfast would have been *interesting* I doubt if I’d have gone regardless of the drive. However if they make a movie of my life, Hollywood could change this chapter and have me go meet the girls to add some drama. 😁

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      • I wouldn’t have gone either, even if it would have been fun to see their faces. I am someone that avoids drama as much as I can and why waste my time with “mean girls!”

        To answer your questions I don’t play pickle ball. I am not a sports person!
        I have been ghosted in the last couple of years and it does hurt. I have tried several times to reach out because I value friendship, but I have come to believe that she was in my life for a season and that season is over.

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        • You’re right about not wasting time on mean girls. I was ghosted by two women during the pandemic and in both cases I think it was for the best for all concerned. At first I was sad, but realized what you said: “I have come to believe that she was in my life for a season and that season is over.” No hard feelings about any of it.

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  61. I don’t understand this mean girls thing. Looking back on my high school class, for example, I can’t think of anyone who was a “queen bee.” Either I had a really nice class or I am oblivious.

    I’ve lost track of lots of people, but I think it’s understandable in most cases. Life is so complicated. We all move on, in my case, moving from country to country. On the other hand, it feels kind of miraculous that I’ve been able to keep track of so many old friends. Christmas cards, Facebook, and one dedicated member of my high school class have helped.

    I don’t play pickle ball. I tried tennis in high school. I wasn’t very good. When we were in Manila, I tried squash. That was lots of fun.

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    • Nicki, maybe you did go to high school with a bunch of nice kids, but for me [and many others] there were queen bees who ruled/judged/demeaned other girls for not being popular enough, for being inferior. Honestly I didn’t take them too seriously but I knew them.

      I agree that losing track of some people is normal— especially with you moving countries like you did. I’m glad you’ve been able to stay in touch in various ways that work for you. It’s not like there’s one way to stay connected anymore.

      I took tennis lessons in high school and disliked playing it. I’ve never played squash but have seen people play it. Lots of movement in that game. Good for you!

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  62. Funny!!! Your decision though was a good one Ally, to get ready and drive an hour just to see some adult mean girls in gossip land over their diet breakfast smoothies would be too much effort.
    I’ve never been ghosted or ghosted anyone. Keeping your circle small is the best way to ensure that. Mean girls denied entry. ⛔️
    And no, never played pickleball. Don’t even know what the racquet looks like. 🤣🤣🤣

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    • Life with Alegria, you made me laugh with your “their diet breakfast smoothies” description. Hadn’t thought about what they’d be eating, if I’d gone.

      You’re smart to not get involved with mean girls to begin with. When I first knew Kathleen she was fun, but over the years she changed as she made friends with women who liked status. Good for her, not for me.

      I’ve seen a pickleball racquet. They aren’t that special! Not missing anything.😉

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  64. Ghosting: I don’t believe I’ve not been ghosted, ‘cos if & when I make the effort to make contact, I am always greeted with genuine enthusiasm and arrangements get made. But I have found that fewer people are making contact with me – it could be the pandemic (when it appeared to start), it could be because I’m now a boring old stay-at-homer, or maybe it’s a reflection that both our lives have changed. Personally, I have ghosted one person where the relationship was both heavily one-sided and advantage was taken of financial generosity.

    I have ended up in group discussions – on WhatsApp – where such mistakes seem to happen easily & frequently. I’ve wasted much time being amused by watching the shenanigans 🙂

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  65. The only comparison I can give you is with our former real estate broker. A contractor who’d done substantial remodeling on our house wanted to buy the professional photos our broker included with the listing. I gave the contractor her contact info. The contractor then let me know she was snippy and kind of “how dare you” and our broker hung up on her. It confirmed the suspicions we’d had during the time our house was listed: this broker lives in the same entitled world as your queen bee. And kudos to you for how you handled this unexpected re-engagement, Ally. I would’ve done the same, though admittedly it’s because I’m a lot more mature than I was, say, twenty years ago.

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    • Dave, your real estate broker sounds like a piece of work. Seems to me that playing nice with a quality contractor would enhance her knowledge of the real estate market and could come in handy when negotiating deals, BUT then I’m not a queen bee in an entitled world.

      Good point about how being 20 years older means I easily detach from people who don’t have my best interests in mind, like this queen bee and her wannabes.

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  66. I didn’t know what ghosting was… but turns out I ghosted someone. She (and her gaggle of Democrats) verbally attacked the political position of someone in our friend group who was a Republican. Repeatedly, unkindly and personally.

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    • Margy, once you realize what ghosting means you realize you’ve [probably] done it. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s done maliciously, it’s more of a recognition that people come and go from our lives. Sorry your friend felt attacked, there’s a lot of that going on lately.

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  67. Want to be excluded from a group? Get sick or get single. Most people have no idea how to deal with either scenario. It’s true true true you find out who are the best friends. And it makes your Christmas card list more manageable. And yes, I’ve still ended up on group texts or emails. I usually just ignore them unless I’m feeling particularly mischievous.

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    • Micheal, I’m sure you’re right. Once you are no longer the person you were, then you’re *difficult* to be around because you’re not predictable in the ways you were. Expectations, everybody’s got ’em. Horrible of you to not meet them. 🙄

      I don’t get included on many group texts which suits me. But this one was too good to not pay attention to.

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  68. Wow. I would ignore it all. Life’s too short for people like that. I had a dear close friend who became very wealthy. As a result, she only associated with fellow wealthy people, and I was dropped. It’s sad because I truly liked her a lot. My friend Heather had the exact same experience with this person. I just feel sorry for her now. The pursuit of wealth is an empty, endless, never-fulfilling undertaking because one feels they can never have enough. I don’t miss her now.

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    • Ilsa Rey, while I’m entertained by the text mistake, I’m not going to re-connect with this queen bee and her crowd. Oddly enough now that you say it, I realize this group is focused on status, the showing off of said. This could well be why I’m not included, much too humble. I understand why you feel sorry for your former friend. I feel nothing for mine, just detachment. Trust she’s doing well.

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  69. Ugh! I hate that behavior, Ally. I also hate being included in a text message to a dozen people when I only am connected to one or two of them. I would snub her, too. Life’s too short to pander to people who really don’t have your best interests in mind.

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  70. I want to come back and read all these comments! I was ghosted once. It kinda hurt, and I never did find out why. My politics, which I rarely display have caused some people to block me on FB. That’s fine, though I’m sad. I’ve been included in group texts that I don’t belong to, but so far I’ve just ignored those posts and eventually they stop. Nope I don’t play pickleball, though I have fantasies that someday I might.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dawn, at first my experience with Kathleen made me a little sad, but then I realized we’d grown apart and the pandemic has made that clear. So I decided it was a good thing.

      I hear about many people being blocked over their political views. I can understand how that happened to you. FB seems to be ground zero for such things.

      This was the first time I’d been accidentally included in a group text. Fascinating experience.

      Most commenters here haven’t played pickleball or if they have they didn’t like it. Make of that what you will. 🤷‍♀️

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  71. Wow. You have some interesting acquaintances. I’m glad you didn’t waste the energy trying to go to the event, though you were included in the group text.

    Recently, I was included in a group text with seventeen people. I get riled up when someone includes me in a group text with far fewer people, so I was not amused. I texted the person who sent it and asked what was going on. I never received a solid answer, so I told the person that I was removing myself from the conversation. I promptly did so. I had gone to bed when the thread started, so I didn’t want to receive messages from so many individuals throughout the night. (I put my phone on the focus setting because of too many text thread messages in the past.)

    I don’t play pickleball, but several friends do.

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    • L. Marie, I thought about going to breakfast, who wouldn’t? BUT my lazy nature reminded me that it’d be too much driving for little reward.

      I don’t like group texts and being in one with 17 people would be nuts. No way would I pay attention to that many people interacting randomly about something unclear. Or clear. for that matter. I understand why you ignored it. If someone sends me a text message after 9:00. p.m. it darned well better be urgent, not gibberish.

      I’m finding that few people play pickleball. I know I read about it in the news and thought it was more popular than it seems to be. No matter to me what people do, I’m not playing it.

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  72. Thinking about these last five years, has anyone ghosted you? Have you ghosted anyone? Details if you please.

    Ironically, I just left a note about this on Bijoux’s blog (and I’ve written about it myself). A long-time blogging friend ghosted me without warning four years ago and has never responded to my attempts at reaching out. I might understand if he’d quit blogging, but he is still very active as I see him interact with a few mutual friends. I’m too polite to flat-out ghost anyone.

    Have you ever found yourself in a group text where you didn’t belong? If so, what did you do?

    Oh boy…yes. I thought I didn’t belong to the group text, which was from a bunch of strangers, so I decided to mess around with them and made some very inappropriate comments. Turns out they were a group of parents tasked with watching a bunch of high schoolers, my daughter included, who were going to an outdoor school getaway overnight. I was mortified, but Audrey, even more so!

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    • Mark, I’ve had similar things happen in blogland. Someone I considered a kindred spirit just up and dropped me, while commenting everywhere else. Same situation as you, I reached out and was ignored. Still have no idea why I was a bestie and now am not.

      I’m laughing [of course] about your behavior on the group text. It’s hilarious that you didn’t realize who these people were and what happened because of it. I’m glad I remained quiet. Yours is a cautionary tale.

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  73. I feel like this could be the plot of a very funny sitcom – the mean friend (yes, that’s what I’m calling her because that’s what she seems to be) accidentally adding someone she ghosted to a text chain, and then said friend showing up at breakfast to cause chaos. Muahaha!

    I would have been like you – thought about how funny it would be to show up, but not gone. I’ve been ghosted by a friend and it’s not a fun feeling at all. One of my friends in book club left our club and now hangs out with everyone else in the club but me, which is quite a weird feeling but I was never very close to her so… whatever?!

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    • Stephany, yes! You’re right this could be a sitcom plot that’d be funny, but I didn’t crash their breakfast so I don’t know exactly how that part would play out.

      At first I found the ghosting odd, like I’d put effort into our friendship and was getting nothing in return. But eventually I realized there probably wasn’t a relationship to begin with so, like you said, whatever. People can be so weird.

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  74. Ally, she sounds dreadful. I think you are on the winning side of this relationship. You know what I mean about that.
    Sadly, I was ghosted by someone a few years ago; a long time friend (once a high level employee) who was a close confidant and who doted on my kids so much. He was invited to all celebrations, graduations, weddings, etc….BUT, he was also a Drama King and was so overly sensitive that sometimes it was hard to be his friend. I have no idea why he stopped taking my calls, but I think it might have something to do with me not reaching out to him in the quickest manner after a hurricane. I KNOW! I was also dealing with the storm. Some people are just too difficult. Que sera sera!

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    • Suz, thanks for your support. I, too, think I’m better off not being around Kathleen. Not bitter about it, just not willing to be a part of it.

      Your Drama King sounds like someone who might be better off held at arm’s length. Super sensitive people are an energy drain and your guy sounds like he was too self-absorbed to understand reality. You didn’t contact him fast enough after a hurricane? Wow, that’s the behavior of a difficult person. Truly odd.

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  75. Control freaks never really outgrow their need to control others. Sometimes they can hide behind the facade of a nice person, and you can be lured into their inner circle. That’s happened to me. But eventually they will show their tru personality, and when that happens, there’s only one sensible response: run as fast and as far as your feet can carry you. It’s not ghosting, it’s self-preservation!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ann, I agree. Some control freaks appear pleasant at first, but eventually their true need to be in charge manifests and relationships take a toll. Case in point with Kathleen. I like your final sentence, I’m doing myself a favor by ignoring/detaching from her. Self-preservation for the win.

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  76. It sounds like there is nothing positive that can come from reconnecting with this friend/group. I have never had tolerance for those seeking status in their friend group. Don’t care what letters are behind your name or how big your bank account may or may not be. A true friend couldn’t give a rats ass about any of that. 💕. And no, I don’t play pickleball!

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    • Lynn, you’re right. There’s nothing good to come to me from this group. Years ago Kathleen was fun, but along the way she became more enamored of status. Best for me to keep my distance. I don’t play pickleball either. Judging from the comments here pickleball is less popular than I thought it was.

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  77. When my daughter was in high school I became friendly with the mom of one of her friends. At one point we took several walks together every week, we would get our families together, the two of us would go to lunch at least once a month. Then her daughter was having some mental health problems and she (understandably) dropped out of communication. Things got a little better, we got together a few more times, but OMG, this woman could TALK a blue streak, and sometimes I found her opinions truly offensive. (such as, “I voted for Trump because this is a terrible country and that’s what we deserve.” or something about her being pissed off at China for releasing COVID on the world.) Eventually they moved away and didn’t tell us, and once in a while I think about getting in touch with her, and then I remember the talking and reconsider.

    She’s never texted me unintentionally, but that is my most recent ghosting story, and like you I’m fine with it. If I had been in your situation, I also would not have gone, but I would have considered it. I was thinking about how they all gathered and thought, “where’s x?” and Queen Bee says, “Weird, I sent X a text…” and looks at her phone and thinks…”ooops…I sent it Alley…I wonder what she’s up to? Then went back to her egg white breakfast.

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    • J, I understand why you might not want to ever get in touch with this woman again. It’s a shame because it sounds like at first you had a good time together, but her take on Trump and Covid-19 are disagreeable and unfounded. I’d be like you, thinking about re-connecting but then coming to my senses and not doing so.

      The text from Kathleen was out of the blue and at first baffled me, but I realize it was a mistake. No need to get involved again. Laughed out loud at her egg white breakfast. NO DOUBT that’s what she ordered, she feared gaining weight more than nucelar disaster.

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  79. I’ll get the easy answer out of the way first, Ally. No, I do not play pickleball and I have no interest. Kathleen can be queen of the pickleball group, but you can be queen of your own royal family and friends.

    And now, my sad ghosting story: I was good friends with a woman, Kathy (Kathryn), for 40 years. We worked together, took walks together, shopped together, and helped each other out of difficult marriages. I last talked to her in December of 2016, when we had a friendly conversation and nothing seemed abnormal. I do have to say that we had a tenuous time, before I left the ex, when Kathy didn’t think I was being a good friend for reasons I will not get into. We rectified that situation when I finally revealed to her that life with the husband was bad and I wanted to leave.

    Anyhow, December 2016 passed and in early January 2017, I got a card from a mutual friend who said Kathy had sold her house and moved back to her home town. She never called me to say this was happening. I left phone messages for her three times in January and February and I also heard crickets. Kathy never called and wrote to me to tell me she moved or to stay in touch. I wondered for many years why she ghosted me or what I may have done to make her mad or upset with me. Did she somehow feel, once again, I wasn’t being a good friend?

    Last summer, I ran into the mutual friend, and when I asked her about Kathy, she relayed a very similar story of Kathy being mad at her (Kathy thought this mutual friend stole a hat pin from her…no lie). So, the mutual friend and I decided Kathy was a lost cause, due to a number of reasons, that I will not discuss here. I was sad for a very long time about this, but finally realized that life is too short to try and fix people or hang out with those who will drop you in an instant after decades of friendship. Besides, I have so many wonderful friends now that it no longer matters. I hope Kathy is happy with this new life, although I honestly suspect that she’ll do something to mess that up too.

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    • Mary, Kathy sounds like head case, albeit a friendly one in the beginning but overall not quite all there. Her behavior seems erratic to me, like she doesn’t understand how relationships with people are supposed to work. To leave town without telling you is odd. Maybe she was ashamed of how she’d treated you so she slunked away? Or she just didn’t care about you so why would she tell you? Rhetorical questions.

      Now about this hat pin theft… that sounds like a plot line in an Agatha Christie mystery. I think you and your mutual friend are better off with Kathy out of your lives. Like you I hope Kathy is happy in her new life but wouldn’t be surprised to find out she’d made a hash of it too.

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  80. Interesting, Ally. It sounds like you handled it appropriately and without giving it too much of your energy or thought. Still it would have been fun to see their faces when you showed up!

    As for your question, I have been in group texts where I didn’t belong. The most shocking was actually an email in which the wife of one of my employees evidently sent a message to everyone in her contact list (including a bank and other businesses as I recall) explaining why she was staying with her husband (my employee) even though he had cheated on her numerous times and asking for everyone’s support. Yikes. In this case, I responded to the sender (not to the other recipients) saying, “I’m not sure you meant to send this to me.” I never heard back, and I never mentioned it to said employee. I don’t know if it was related, but he quit shortly thereafter.

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    • Christie, yes the idea of showing up to breakfast popped into my head, but too much bother to do so.

      Your experience with being in the wrong email is more intense than my group text experience. You handled that delicate situation with aplomb. I have to wonder about the employee, did he know his wife had goofed up telling everyone? Or did he just leave because he felt it was time to leave the job? Many questions about this, none will ever be answered. Wow.

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  81. Maybe years ago you just enjoyed the loud frenzy and as one who studies with amusement human behavior – you could frolic along and enjoy the places and group.
    Now after stepping out, you noticed how sad the position in the group jostling really is – and simply not interested any more in that particular bunch – been there done that.
    You’re pretty solid on who you are and don’t need group affirmation (then or now), so hasta and moving on to more interesting things.
    Silently amused over the circling texts/emails where they forgot who was on the list – that is funny though. (easily amused)
    Sounds like no great loss.

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    • philmouse, yes your conclusion is where I landed. At one point, maybe 20 years ago, Kathleen and I were friends, hanging out. But we’ve each gone our own ways and I’ve mellowed while she has leaned into controllimg. I wish her no ill will but am amazed to find myself on a group text. I didn’t meet them breakfast… as it should be.

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  82. I feel I would’ve done the same as you Ally & not gone, the short term satisfaction of seeing the looks on their faces would have been marred by the hours drive to spend time with people you don’t actually give a fig about!

    I’ve never been ghosted or ghosted anyone but I did have a friendship break up a good few years back which took me by surprise (thought these kinds of things only happened in the playground). It taught me a lot about my own boundaries & speaking up when I’m not comfortable (instead of stuffing my discomfort down to be nice, which is what I tended to do!)

    I sometimes get added to WhatsApp groups I don’t want to be in, but sadly I do belong there (maybe I should do some more work on those boundaries!)

    The control freak people in my life are too close to name 😉

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    • Rae Cod, I know what you mean about friendship break-ups, they can happen seemingly out of nowhere. I did the same thing about stuffing down my feelings, then realized that’s why a longtime friendship ended. I gave, he took. Never again.

      Laughing about you being in a group where you belong, but don’t want to belong in it. I’d bet everyone can relate to that experience. You look around and say to yourself, how did this happen‽ Who are theses people?

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  83. Well, at least your mistaken add to a text wasn’t about war games and government intel. A friend just mistakingly texted a whole group instead of a single person…and then upon realization merely said “oops”. Most of us laughed it off, but no-one was ghosted. A worse situation is the person who consistently messes up my email on group information (despite me pointing it out to her multiple times) and then gets annoyed at me when I don’t know the details or don’t RSVP. The joys of current day communications!

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    • Pat, you make an excellent point. Kathleen only leaked the details of a breakfast group, nothing worse than that.

      I went through the same thing with my email and an older friend who couldn’t get it straight. I told her repeatedly, she didn’t change it, so eventually I stopped trying to get her to correct it. I don’t think she was intentionally ghosting me, more like an accidental ghosting.

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  84. ‘a wannabe to a queen bee.’ You are too cool to be a wannabe 😛

    I’m not a fan of group texts unless it is about something I am really invested in. So, I really am not a part of group texts – backing out of them is how I keep my peace. And I don’t care what others think. I think I am the most control freak person – and weirdest person – that I know 🙂

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    • Mabel, this whole situation with the group text mistake underscores what you’re saying: backing out of them is how I keep my peace. I was entertained to be a lurker, but also realized I am not at heart a group text person.

      You’re the control freak! That’s a delightful insight into your personality. If it works for you, then it works.

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      • I also was entertained as a lurker. Then I realised it just saps my energy. It became very distracting, like a temptation. So, I’d rather out of group chats completely.

        I wish I can be less of a control freak! Working on balancing it out 🙂

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