If The Name Fits: An Absurd Conversation With An Amusing Friend

/ Ally Bean

~ • ~

“Oh, you got to have friends, the feeling’s oh so strong….” 🎶

A friend who I shall call Wendy was telling me about something someone had said to her that had irked her. This wasn’t a case of trash talking but she felt she’d been dissed.

The someone had told Wendy that because she was the matriarch of her family, Wendy should keep her adult children in line– and that she hadn’t been doing that.

The comment was meant to be a criticism of Wendy’s mothering skills and how her adult children lived their lives.

The person saying it to Wendy was a someone who Wendy described as a snob, a social climber, a fraud. She didn’t usually pay attention to this someone’s opinions, but in this instance Wendy was peeved.

This someone had got her goat.

I figured that Wendy had taken offense at the idea she was failing as a mother because she allowed her adult children to be who they are, but I was wrong.

That was not the case.

Nope, Wendy had no problem with a criticism leveled at her parenting skills, she didn’t care about that. What bothered Wendy was that she’d been called a Matriarch, a name she found insulting because to her it meant she was old. It was in her mind an example of agism.

[Even though Wendy is the matriarch of her family, but let’s not get stuck on reality here.]

Looking for a way to put this perceived slight into perspective, I suggested that being called a Matriarch is better than being called a Crone, an ugly old woman. That’s a word I find derogatory and Wendy agreed.

She wasn’t a Crone.

Continuing on with the idea that there are worse names to be called than Matriarch, I suggested that at least this someone hadn’t called Wendy a Sea Hag, an old witch who lives near the sea. To me that seemed more demeaning than being thought of as the head of a family with the power to influence family members.

But you know what?

Wendy liked the idea of being called a Sea Hag. She said she enjoyed walking on the beach by the ocean so the thought of being a Sea Hag made her happy. She could easily accept that name because it was more in tune with who she is.

And with that admission I said the only thing I could think to say. I said three important words that keep friendships alive, I said: I believe you.

Because I do.

Questions Of The Day

Putting aside any concerns you might have about gendered language, would you take offense if someone called you the Matriarch or Patriarch of your family? Why or why not?

Thinking of all the names, positive or negative or neutral,  you’ve been called in your life, how much do you care about the way in which someone else refers to you?

Do you feel, like I do, that friends who are able to not take themselves too seriously are put on this earth to keep you laughing with them… at yourself… at life in general?

~ ~ 🤎 ~ ~

263 thoughts on “If The Name Fits: An Absurd Conversation With An Amusing Friend”

  1. I am the matriarch in my family, now that my mom is gone…and I don’t have a problem with that word. Or crone or even sea hag. So long as it is said to me with love, respect and good humour. No one laughs harder at me than myself 😂.

    Deb

    Liked by 2 people

    • Deb, you’re right of course. As long as what is said is with “love, respect and good humour” there’s no problem. Sadly that wasn’t the case in Wendy’s conversation. I laugh at myself all the time, too– and so did Wendy eventually.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh good golly. Friends better know how to keep me in line, kick me when I’m becoming too maudlin or serious. I need those ‘handlers’ LOL! As for the “matriarch” question, I think I might feel pride…but clearly it conjured something else in Wendy’s mind. Sea hag? Mmm….no thanks. Same for ‘crone’. I feel myself stooping and losing my reasonably good posture as I type ‘crone’. 😉I’ve been called many things but the labels that often irked me…but I’ve made peace with them…are the ‘fluffy’ and ‘airhead’ taunts because I’m a pretty happy gal. I just am. Doesn’t make me less cognitive or wise (on a good day). It’s just me. And I like my emojis. And I use them! 😉

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    • Victoria, I’d have no problem being called a Matriarch but Wendy wasn’t having it. I’m laughing about your experience typing Crone, I feel the same way. Yes, I empathize about why being called ‘fluffy’ or an ‘airhead’ bothers you; I’m a happy + smart woman, too, and have occasionally been called ‘silly’ because of it. Also, emojis are cool. 🤓

      Liked by 1 person

  3. My trigger word is elderly. Good lord I don’t ever want to be elderly no matter how old I get. To me it denotes a frailty that goes beyond what a walker can do. Now I’m wondering what makes Wendy’s kids “out of control.” Can’t imagine anyone complaining about me to my mother when I was an adult.

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    • Kate, good choice for an awful word. I’ll join you in not liking it. We be spring chickens, to the end.

      From my point of view there’s not one thing wrong with Wendy’s kids. They’re lovely. I think the real issue was that the someone wanted to irritate Wendy and was using them as the catalyst.

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      • Call me any name you want to as long as I think “the shoe fits”. I am all about being in tune with my age; no interest in trying to be younger or older (just healthier). “Elderly” is a tough one, though. Some day, many years down the road, I may earn that particular stripe but only because of the eighty or ninety wonderful years leading up to it.

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        • Dave, yes, yes. I agree about trying to be healthier, not necessarily younger or older. Obviously Matriarch meant something not good, demeaning, to Wendy, but I cannot say why. At least now after venting a bit she’s happier, the Sea Hag. 🙄

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        • I think the Humpty Dumpty quite is spot on, and perhaps the source for so much disagreement: we use the same word but it means different things to different people at different times.

          There were times in history when the Tribe “Elder” was synonymous was the leader, the sage one. What does it mean about us that “elderly” has now become more of a derogatory term?

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          • Endless Weekend, yep and yep. To me it seems amazing that we ever communicate with each other at all. Humpty Dumpty is a wise egg.

            My mother used to have a saying: “let grayer heads prevail.” It meant be respectful of the problem-solving capabilities of older [elderly?] people. Now, everyone runs around trying to not have a gray head, both literally and figuratively.

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            • So true: I greatly appreciate Humpty Dumpty’s wisdom and guidance about unbrithday presents 🎁 Since, as he explains, you only have one birthday a year and 364 “unbirthday” days 😁

              After many hours of a fruitless team discussion that got us precisely nowhere, I once had every team member write down a definition for the term we were discussing on a post-it note. We had almost as many different definitions as team members 🤦‍♀️

              And I love your mother’s saying! I read this interview with a woman in her 30s (not a matriarch… yet 😁) who recalled her “fun 20s” spent in a succession of start-ups that all failed to launch. She said that now, in retrospect, they made fatal mistakes that if (to use your mother’s terminology) they had a “gray hair” they would have easily known not to make …

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              • I’d forgotten about the idea of unbirthdays, but I have a lot of them each year. 😁

                Not surprised by the number of different definitions for one word or concept. I’m big on the idea that you define your terms, THEN we’ll talk.

                What an interesting acknowledgement on the value of “gray-headed” advice/employees. I realize that many start-ups are about being innovative but there’s always a pragmatic aspect to every endeavor. Hope she took the lesson to heart.

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                • You and me, both (on unbirthdays) … Shows you the genius of Sir Egg!

                  The team was not just surprised, they were stunned. They realized that that’s why we couldn’t make any sort of real progress. In true Better Off Ted form, we broke for the day with that splendid eureka moment, slept on it, and the team lead promptly ignored it the next day. 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️ (two facepalms them intentionally…)

                  Interestingly, that lady took it to heart, perhaps because she had a few gray hairs herself by then. But she didn’t seem overly optimistic about the fresh crop of 20-somethings?

                  Liked by 1 person

  4. Hoo boy! So much to think about in this post, Ally.

    I do have a lot of friends who remind me not to take myself too seriously. Thank Heavens!

    I don’t think I would mind if someone referred to me as a matriarch. I AM old. Although, my sister is older than me. Maybe technically SHE would be the matriarch of our family? I do scoff at the idea that I have any influence over how my adult sons live their lives, though.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Laurie, there are times when you just gotta go with things and considering that Wendy didn’t care for the someone who dissed her, I was surprised this situation stayed on her mind. I mean, she is the Matriarch of her family [and her children are fine adults] but if a name bugs you, it does. No way around it for Wendy… until I/she came up with her own name for herself. 🙄

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve been a matriarch for a long time, but I don’t think of myself in those terms necessarily- as the “head” of something. We’ve talked about the word archaic here before and matriarch seems an archaic word to me when I apply it to myself for some reason- not because I’m OLD though. I’m just mom or grandma, but my oldest is also mom when I look at the family big picture. I don’t see myself, on my death bed, having a moment where I pass down the Matriarch title to her, even though she will be… does any of that long comment make sense?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Deb, your comment makes sense to me. I agree that Matriarch [or Patriarch] sounds like an old-fashioned way to refer to anyone. I don’t know much about the someone who said it to Wendy, but maybe a conservative control freak or just a disagreeable person? Anyhoo, you raise an excellent point that there won’t be a moment when you pass down the title of Matriarch. Either you are the oldest woman in your family group, or you aren’t. What that means in actuality is anyone’s guess.

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  6. Friends who can laugh at you and get you to laugh at yourself are the best. They were put on earth to keep us from taking life too seriously. If we can’t see the benefit in that, then we’ve missed something. As for Matriarch and Patriarch, I think it has to be more than one generation above the brood. I wouldn’t take offense, but I wouldn’t think is was applicable to me.

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  7. Yes I like to laugh at myself and make others not take things so seriously. No matter what you do in life you’ll always have that note person that doesn’t think you are doing a good enough job. Then want to show others what they see. Screw them all.. life is to short to care about negative comments and don’t live for the positive comments either.

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  8. Words are just words, but context matters. I’d never been called ‘Ma’am’ until I moved to Texas, and at first it startled me. Now, I love it, and I ‘ma’am’ and ‘sir’ other people, too, regardless of age. There’s nothing I love more than walking toward the post office and having some fella in a cowboy hat and boots tip his hat and say, “Mornin’, ma’am.’

    I’ve gotten used to ‘Sugar,’ “Darlin’,” and such as well. I suppose there are people who’d be offended, but the only time I can remember being offended — or more accurately, hurt — by a name was when I got my first glasses in third grade. Classmates sent me home crying because they called me ‘four eyes.’ My mother took care of that. She pointed out that having four eyes meant I could see more than they could, having only two. Then, she added: “Words are just words.” I’ve never forgotten that.

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    • Linda, I remember how startled I was when someone called me Ma’am for the first time. Around here it’s said to a woman of a certain age, but somehow I felt like I deserved the respect it implied– or at least I assumed it implied.

      Starting at age 5 I was a Four Eyes, too. It never bothered me though. I was so grateful to be able to see clearly that the insulting nature of it washed over me. That being said, I like your mother’s advice about words. ‘Tis simple wisdom.

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  9. Gracious! So much to unpack here! In some ways I see matriarch as a badge of honor, like a tribal elder, having earned the love and respect of the family by virtue of the accumulation of knowledge and wisdom. On the other hand, it may simply be an unearned honor due to advancing age. So interesting that words are packed with such emotion, and mean such different things to different people. What WOULD get my goat would be the audacity of one who has the nerve to insinuate that I need to “keep my adult children in line.” Oh boy. Don’t get me started on that one . . . wow.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Julia, your take is where I thought the conversation was going to go, that we’d be talking about how dare someone criticize Wendy’s mothering skills. But that didn’t phase her. Nope she was upset about a word, Matriarch, that was, like you said, “packed with such emotion” for Wendy. I mean I wanted to laugh out loud, but then that word doesn’t bother me so I tried to cajole her out of it– and did with, of all things, Sea Hag.

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  10. While matriarch usually does make one think advanced age, it also denotes a certain amount of respect so it’s not all bad. Everyone is different and while I wouldn’t be bothered by that term, I would be ticked that a friend felt the need to tell me how to treat my children. Are hers perfect? I doubt it.
    😉

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    • River, I interpret Matriarch in the same way as you, it “denotes a certain amount of respect so it’s not all bad.” I thought that Wendy was going to be griping about the someone saying what she did, but that wasn’t Wendy’s concern. You just never know what’ll upset someone.

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    • VJ, good point. There is the implication that a Matriarch [or Patriarch] is controlling the family. I know Wendy’s adult children are all doing fine without her *controlling* them, even if she could do so, which I doubt. Yep, decking the someone who said this… not a bad idea.

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      • Yvette, considering Matriarch is a somewhat antiquated term and it has a subtext of being about control, I’m hoping it fades into oblivion. I mean when’s the last time you used the word in casual conversation?

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        • I have actually had the word come up twice in the last few years.
          Once was at a funeral and there were some folks attending who did not get along. I sat next to one of the ladies and when she was complaining about this family – she said something like “those dysfunctional matriarchs” ae such and such
          and I realized what she meant because the 80 year old great grandmother – was single and held the family in a unit – her two children.- also single and the female daughter 55 – had a daughter who was with a passive dude and so she oretty uch ran the house – (not a partnership) and it was interesting to just all the women that ran that family.
          Not saying this is a bad thing – because even in the Bible – a Porverbs 31 woman is the business caretaker (considers a field and buys it, dressed family in scarlet, and because of her – the husband had a good reputation at the gate (social city center) – and so it is not mere feminist thinking to be partners and share the lead – but I see that sometimes there are families where the women reign and saw that at the funeral.
          – and we heard it somewhere else recently – while talking about a TV show and the characters

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          • What a great example of a family *run* by a Matriarch or two or three! I know I’ve never thought much about the word until the conversation with Wendy, but I was aware of the Proverbs 31 Woman and the meaning behind it. Nothing wrong with women running things, heaven knows there have always been widows who had to do so, not to mention some people are better at it than others so why not let them lead?

            When I think of Matriarch and TV shows I go back to Falcon Crest, but I’m sure there are newer shows with one.

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            • I cannot recall the show we chatted about – I keep thinking of yellowstone – but that can’t be it because the very few episodes I saw were with the daughter completely a mess from killing her mother with a fall off of a horse – and perhaps the opposite of the matriarch “type” – lol
              I have not heard of Falcon Crest but will check it out
              —
              oh and in my experience – many christians overlook the working side of the Proverbs 31 woman and argue that this “type” of woman is more domestic –

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  12. As others have pointed out, it’s not so much the word used but the intention behind it. Not having children, I don’t think Matriarch is appropriate for me. However, counting me, my brother and my first cousins, I am the oldest of our generation and the family historian, so that is a little matriarchal, I suppose. But both my parents are still living, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves!

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    • Eilene, I’m sure the intention behind calling Wendy a Matriarch was not positive, hence her displeasure. I mean, I get it. I suppose I’m the Matriarch of our family, my parents and aunts/uncles are gone, but I have no siblings and we have no children so it’s a bit ridiculous to call me that. However, you might evolve into the Matriarch of your family somewhere down the line, I guess.

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  13. That is so funny. I, too, would have been peeved at the “sort of accusation” that I had failed as a mother… Matriarch is a word that means she is the head of her tribe, in my case, that would be my mother. My turn will come. Interpretation is a funny thing. Words are used in various ways and transform over the years, their original meaning becoming muddled.

    Interesting thing… I follow a blogger, who calls herself a crone (actually, haven’t heard from her in a while and am a tad worried…) Anyway, when I told her I could never call her a crone, she corrected me saying it is not a negative word at all, spiritually: The crone image represents wisdom, inner knowing, and intuition. The crone uses her wisdom as transformative justice.

    So, I guess we can choose which definition suits us best. And you are correct, in the name of friendship, believing in the other goes a long way.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dale, well said: “Words are used in various ways and transform over the years, their original meaning becoming muddled.” True about that. Matriarch doesn’t offend me but I won’t judge another woman for disliking it.

      I didn’t know about the backstory of Crone. It’s interesting. I’m all about being wise and using my intuition and working toward transformative justice, so I like how you define it BUT I don’t want to be called it.

      Certainly there’s a better word. Just don’t happen to know what it is. 🤔

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      • No, definitely cannot judge another for being offended by whatever word. I’m quite sure we all have that one that just gets our goat.

        I didn’t either! Ina is proud to be one so, kudos to her. I’m not quite ready, myself 😉

        And, I forgot, yes, we absolutely do need friends to keep us from being too serious about ourselves!

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        • No doubt you’re right about how different words aggravate us differently. Sometimes it’s like we’re all living different lives or something. 😉

          I’m with you about lighthearted friends. I know how to be serious when I need to be, but the rest of the time it’s all about perspective and not getting sucked into the mire.

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  14. Matriarch wouldn’t bother me; in fact I would probably see it (if someone called me that) as a bit over the top or a bit grandiose. I don’t like being called “dear” in that specially reserved tone for the feeble and/or elderly. (Actually, I dislike “elderly” too.)Sometimes I’ll grouse at people and tell them “I’m not your dear.” Ageism pisses me off. (Can you tell?) 😉 Cheers.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Lynette, I agree that Matriarch is a grandiose word, not one in my daily lexicon. When I hear it I think of old nighttime TV soap operas like Falcon Crest. A few other commenters have mentioned not wanting to be described as ‘elderly’ and I get that. I don’t get called Dear often. I wonder if that’s a reflection on me– or where we live?

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Yes, I think it is the spirit of the name-calling that matters. We have had too much nasty name-calling lately. It is constant and mean and tiresome and wearing and sad. I just want us to be kind and get along. I am sick of the manipulation and lying and…
    You know what I mean but how can we fix this?!

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    • Ellen, I agree. When Wendy was called a Matriarch it wasn’t said to her in the spirit of love and friendship. It was said to aggravate her.

      You’re right that name-calling, the truly mean kind, is around us all the time now. Blame it on what passes for political discourse and news reporting, I suppose. Blame it on trolls on social media. Toss in the malicious haters who Trump encouraged and this is what we get. There’s not much benevolence going on.

      Like

  16. Oh, I love friends that don’t take themselves too seriously! I try to be one of them – I wasn’t always this way, I think that when I was younger I was much more earnest and maybe trying to prove something – but now I think, we can just laugh at ourselves in a sweet, fun way.

    I would not at all be offended if I was called a matriarch. I hope that one day that is the case! I am picturing myself as Head Elephant, here. I am enjoying aging and I feel more and more happy as the years pass. I also wouldn’t be offended to be called Crone. Hell, I will be happy to become a crone. Maybe I’m already one! I am not sure about Sea Hag. I do like the sea but I don’t live near one.

    Funny story: my MIL’s middle name is Agnes, which she dislikes. My late FIL used to call her “Ag” to get her goat. When I first met them I thought he was calling her HAG and I was appalled!

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    • Nicole, I was much more serious when I was younger too. Remember the Bob Dylan song lyrics: “I was so much older then; I’m younger than that now.” My unofficial anthem.

      So you want to be the Head Elephant! Go for it. I agree that a lot of how we view ourselves, and which words bother us, comes down to how comfortable we are with aging.

      Your story is funny. I can understand why you were confused and appalled. Such a mean man! Sometimes you just have to laugh about misunderstandings like that.

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  18. This is an interesting topic! Words about aging don’t bother me at all. Call me a Matriarch, a Sea Hag, a Crone, an Old Bag, etc., and I’ll just laugh. But words about my weight or someone else’s weight will set me right off. I wish I could make that topic more neutral or funny. I’m working on it!

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    • Michelle G., good point about how it can be the topic of the words that can be the trigger. I hadn’t thought beyond specific words. Your example is perfect: words describing a person’s weight bug you regardless of the actual word used.

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  19. I’ve never thought Matriarch was anything but a label of respect, a bit old fashioned but still shows respect. I’d hate being called a Sea Hag or any kind of hag for that matter. What I find laughable is that anyone can think a mother can control her adult children.

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    • Jean, I agree that Matriarch does sound old-fashioned. As long as it’s being used in a positive way I’m okay with it. In Wendy’s situation I don’t think the intent behind it was positive and that’s what she was upset about. Agree about the laughable part. Adults do adult things, regardless of mothering.

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  20. It’s not what they call me it’s how they use it. I’m rather proud of being called tough, or a b, because really, it means I’m not putting up with crap. I also don’t mind that my friends and I refer to each other as girls. I don’t care that I read chick lit. But calling me ma’am with a certain inflection will crush me

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    • LA, you’re right that it’s the intention behind the word that matters. The someone who said this to Wendy had no good intentions when calling her a Matriarch, so I get her irritation. As for being called a bitch, I figure that just means I’m getting things done. No problem.

      When talking with friends I sometimes refer to us as ‘girls’ but I never let my late misogynistic FIL say it without correcting him to say “women.” He’d snarl every time which made it worth my while to correct him. 😈

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  22. One of my daughters in law yelled at me one day about how I’m the Matriarch of the family and how I should get my son in line. That made me furious! My adult children can lead their lives the way they see fit. We raised them to be honest, hard working people. And to treat everyone as they would want to be treated. This gal is just a narcissist and wants everything her way. That comment bothered me for a long time.

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    • Beth, no kidding? She called you that? I can see why it’d bother you, but it seems like a peculiar thing for a daughter-in-law to say. If she’s with your son then shouldn’t she be the one getting him in line? If there’s a problem, then it is hers and his– not yours. This chick seems a bit confused about how relationships work. Lucky you.

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  24. What an interesting discussion! Personally, I would be honored to be called a matriarch. To me, it suggests respect, leadership, and familial tradition, which are all things I would hope for. Like Michelle, I would laugh off crone, sea hag, and any other potentially derogatory terms. At the end of the day, it’s not what people people say but how we interpret it that impacts how we feel… I no longer give people that kind of control over me. Instead, I laugh it off and play into it, greatly exaggerating whatever it is they may be suggesting… throwing people off that way can be fun.

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    • Esoterica, while I agree with your definition of Matriarch, Wendy had a different take on it. I don’t find matriarch derogatory but whatcha gonna do? I listened to her venting then suggested what she [inexplicably] accepted as a better name for herself. I know what you mean about being careful where you put your power, other people often don’t have your best interests at heart. I do like the idea of exaggerating any insult thrown your way. Very clever

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  25. I don’t think I’d bristle at being called Matriarch. I think I’d feel proud (and in charge!). To me, it sounds like a term of endearment.

    I do recall cringing when a counselor at the kids’ junior high called me ‘Mom’ – as in, she addressed me that way, ie: HEY MOM, I’M HERE IN THE OFFICE WITH ED AND WE NEED TO TOUCH BASE WITH YOU ABOUT SOMETHING. That ticked me off. Learn my name nut-job. I’m not your mom. She had access to my phone number, so my name was available to her. Was she not sure she should call me by my first name? Then go ahead and be formal and call me “Mrs. Shenanigan.” It doesn’t help that this lady was terrible at her job. TERRIBLE.

    I do enjoy hanging with friends who don’t take themselves too seriously. I like to think I’m one of them.

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    • Ernie, that’s the thing about Matriarch. Some people take it as an insult, others like you think it’s positive, endearing. I’d say it’s all about the intention behind using the word.

      So you’re a Mom, nonspecific. I don’t know that I’ve heard anyone mention that happening to them. I agree with you of course, if using your first name seemed too personal to the counselor than a formal Mrs. would be the right thing to say. That chick sounds dippy.

      Yep, gotta have a bit of perspective on yourself and that’s what fun friends do for ‘ya.

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  26. At a recent family reunion, the first in 15 years, my Aunt took me aside and told me that I am the patriarch of the family now. She is the last of her generation in our family and is fading even as I write this. I don’t know what being a patriarch should feel like, but what that feeling is “supposed” to be, I don’t feel like it. Still, I understand her meaning and I respect her for it. Time marches on.

    I’ve been called so many things in my life and none have mattered to me except one. Dad. That name has more impact and meaning to me than any other.

    My parents used to tell me all the time that they loved it when I came to visit because I made them laugh. I remember the old Readers Digest section, Laughter is the best medicine. So true.

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    • Johnny, I like your acceptance of your title as Patriarch. You’re right to take your aunt’s meaning, not dwell on what you’re supposed to feel about it, and respect your aunt for telling you such. Actually Dad is pretty much an offshoot of Patriarch, so you’re doing good,

      I do remember the Readers Digest section with the funny stories. In some ways our personal blogs can be extended versions of that. I say that laughing, of course.

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  27. I think being called The Matriarch is flattering, actually. It’s a position of power, ideally one where you are respected and your words of wisdom are heeded by the rest of the clan. But man, I would have been pi–SO ANGRY if someone had implied–especially if that someone was male–that my parenting had been subpar.

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  28. I’m with Wendy, I’d like being called a Sea Hag for the same reason. 🙂 But I also welcome the title of Matriarch. It makes me feel wise and valuable to my family. I love that my husband often refers to me as his first wife. It always warms my heart and makes me smile. I do like friends who can laugh at themselves and me. They make life enjoyable.

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    • Barbara, another Sea Hag and for the same reason that Wendy has. I have no problem with Matriarch either, but I think of it in the same way as you do. Laughing about being your husband’s first wife. That’s delightful. I’m with you about having friends who can laugh at themselves. A good life [or wife] needs much laughter. 😁

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    • Strangely Irid, oh you’ve made me smile with your honesty here. I agree that Patriarch is a fancy somewhat archaic word that could baffle a person. I can assure you that Matriarch and Patriarch are not words I use… maybe ever.

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  30. The word Matriarch conjures up images of an Elephant Memory with who leading it? The Matriarch! So strong and wise and caring is she. 😀 With thoughts like these coming into my head straight-away I wouldn’t be offended at being called a Matriarch. Elderly…well that’s another kettle of fish all together! It just sounds old.

    Thank God for friends that keep you laughing and from taking oneself too seriously! They are blessings indeed.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Deborah, another commenter mentioned the elephant connotation of matriarch and I’d not thought of that. However as you explain strong and wise and caring is a great way to think about the word. Wendy didn’t go that route in her thinking.

      Yep about lighthearted friends. They are a blessing– and sources for good blog posts.

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  31. When my mom died in 2018, I knew I would become of the matriarch of my family, even though I never gave birth to any children. It’s how families work, how most mammals rise to the occasion. I try to resist, but I do get a bit bossy. LOL. Just kidding.

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  32. Putting aside any concerns you might have about gendered language, would you take offense if someone called you the Matriarch or Patriarch of your family? No Why or why not? I’m not really sure why, guess I never thought of it. Other than at some point in time there will be family members who were called that and have passed on so it’s an honor and a gift of longevity (not necessarily age).

    Thinking of all the names, positive or negative or neutral, you’ve been called in your life, how much do you care about the way in which someone else refers to you? If they call me the wrong name that hits me wrong, if they call me a b*tch, I probably earned it 🤣

    Do you feel, like I do, that friends who are able to not take themselves too seriously are put on this earth to keep you laughing with them… at yourself… at life in general? Yes, yes, yes, indeed!

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    • Shelley, you and Z-D are on the same page about what being a Matriarch or Patriarch means: it’s “a gift of longevity (not necessarily age).” He said the same thing.

      I agree about people calling you the wrong first name can hit you hard. If it’s intentional that’s one thing, but my legal name has always tripped up people… then to have a nickname too…

      As for being a bitch, you know that’s okay. Bitches get things done, often because of a sense of humor.

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      • Z-D is wise like you are!

        Now you have me intrigued about your legal name. Ally is easy to spell and say, have you ever had someone spell Ally wrong even after you correct them? My name is supposedly easy to spell, but it still irks me a bit when it is misspelled, especially when I reply with the correct spelling. Is it snotty of me to reply by spelling their name incorrectly if they don’t correct the spelling of mine in a follow-up email? 🤔😏 Perhaps the funny bitch in me feels better when I do. 🤣😂

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  33. That’s funny that she feels Sea Hag is better than Matriarch. You’re right so many feeling are attached to particular words and each person has their own attachment to them- positive or negative. Like a few others have suggested, I don’t think I care what the word is as long as it is said with love not anger/hate/dislike. Maggie

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    • Well, Maggie, I agree with you about the Sea Hag thing, but if she’s says that’s okay, then so be it. I’m with you about ascertaining the intent behind the word before dismissing it out of hand. In Wendy’s case I don’t sense that Matriarch was being used with positive intentions.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Bookstooge, and yet I was able to cajole Wendy out of her grumbles by merely suggesting a different, albeit unusual, name that she liked better than Matriarch. You gotta meet people where they are!

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  35. Ok, I’m going to admit not being a fan of the word, ‘matriarch’ because it makes me envision an 80 year old woman doling out her jewelry to her granddaughters before she kicks the can. But I’m also the person who got into an online argument with a man from Texas who was complaining about a 30 YO coworker (from the east coast) who he had addressed as ‘Ma’am’ at work and how she reprimanded him for it. I’ve never lived in the South, but calling a young woman, ‘ma’am’ is offensive to me. I don’t even like it as an older middle aged woman!!

    We all have our issues.

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    • Bijoux, I adore your way of envisioning a Matriarch and can understand why you don’t want it applied to you. Therefore I promise to never refer to you as a Matriarch… until you’re 80.

      I realize that in the South saying “ma’am” and “sir” means something polite while elsewhere in the country it can be interpreted as ageist. I don’t know that I have a solution to that problem. I don’t care if someone says “ma’am” to me but if it bugs you, it bugs you. Like you said, we all have our issues.

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  36. I would laugh if someone called me a Matriarch, but it wouldn’t bother me. It implies that I have control of my family and I wish that were true! 🙂 With my name, there are many nicknames and I’m fine with most of them. However, they are specific to certain people. My brother calls me Mag; when my sister-in-law started doing so, I didn’t like it much. A couple colleagues jokingly referred to me as Madge; because we all had a sense of humor, it was fine. I wouldn’t appreciate that nickname from other people though. In college, I was Maggie; no one calls me that any more except my college friends; again, from them it’s great but from others, no. Hope this makes sense. Sorry for the ramble!

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    • Margaret, I’d laugh off being called a Matriarch, too, but many woman take offense to it. Like so many words it’s all in how you define it and the intent behind whoever says it to you.

      With your first name I can only imagine how many nicknames you’ve amassed over the years. I get what you’re saying about how it comes down to who is using the nickname, then you’ll decide if it’s okay for them to use it. Makes sense.

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  37. Interesting…. My eldest bother-in-law became the Patriarch of his family before he was 30, but he is super easy going and found it amusing. I personally, welcome the title, Dad is by far my most favorite and the one I take the most serious. My only issue with the title is the expectations of others based on it. I will hopefully get this title by dumb luck. It doesn’t come with any strings.

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  38. If somebody called me a patriarch, I would regard it as not only being technically correct, but also, a term of respect and honor. Which basically also answers your last question: I need people in my life who don’t take things too seriously. Sticks in the mud are only good if you’re trying to erect a tent.

    Speaking of sea hags, if you ever find yourself in Depoe Bay on the Oregon Coast, I recommend Gracie’s Sea Hag. Very unassuming dive-y place with simple yet good grub and an exceptional Bloody Mary.

    https://www.theseahag.com/

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    • Mark, exactly! I’m with you. Take the term in stride, decide it’s been said with respect, and be honored. That’s not how Wendy played it, though.

      I like the look of Gracie’s Sea Hag. It sounds like my kind of place. Now if I could get Wendy to go on vacation, I have perfect destination in mind for us.

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  39. Fortunately, I’ll never have to be the matriarch of any family, so that’s good news for me. But it is interesting to think about the power of code switching and the use of words within different groups of acquaintances. If my best friend jokingly calls me a bitch, I know that it’s said with love. If the guy I volunteer with calls me a bitch, it’s a huge insult. The power of language and understanding social cues about what’s appropriate is fascinating.

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    • NGS, yes a number of us realize that we’ll never be the Matriarch so this conversation is all moot. I know what you mean about the power of language and how the context contributes to the meaning. Understanding that what people say is just the tip iceberg when it comes to communication. So many more variable to ascertain if you want to really know what they’re saying [if that is even possible].

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  40. I guess I’m the matriarch since my parents are dead, though I’m not sure exactly how this works. I have aunts, but we’re not close. One of my daughter’s MIL’s is older than me, but one is younger. Anyway, I wouldn’t care if someone called me a matriarch, though I’d have a good laugh over the idea that I might have any control over what my adult daughters do.

    I confess I did not like being called Aunt Paula when I first married my ex. I was only in my 20s and it felt weird to hear that from teens. But naturally no one paid any attention to my wishes… some things never change 🤣🤣🤣

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    • Paula, I’m not entirely clear on how one becomes the Matriarch of a family. I’ve not researched this. I’d guess that if you still have an older generation alive, then someone there is the Matriarch. But who knows?

      I’m laughing about no on paying attention to your wishes, Aunt Paula. Come to find out after reading all these comments many of us have had similar problems with “family” ignoring our preferred first names. 🙄

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  41. I feel like matriarch imbues authority and power onto the person it refers to which makes it seem very respectful indeed — even reverential. I would love to be “the matriarch” but I think I am too nervous and wishy-washy to live up to the promise inherent in the term.

    “I believe you” is a great phrase. I need to employ it more often.

    “Ma’am,” now, there’s a word I could do without. I understand that it is INTENDED to convey respect, but… it makes me feel old, even if I’ve earned every ma’am I’ve ever received. Better than Crone or Sea Hag, though.

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    • Suzanne, I like your definition of the word Matriarch. I’d take it to be respectful, albeit a term from a different time. I don’t use Matriarch or Patriarch in my daily conversations but I get the meaning. I’m sure that should you get to be a Matriarch you’ll *instantly* become confident, no more wishy-washy. That’s how it works! 😉

      Ma’am doesn’t worry me, but I understand how it could be perceived as a pejorative. Somehow that word seems to be in a gray area, not quite polite, not quite mean. I’m with you though it’s better than Crone or Sea Hag.

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  42. Answer to question 1) No. I wouldn’t get offended from the word “matriarch,” but there is no reason I would be called that anyway. If there was a reason, I think I’d like it.

    Answer to question 2) If someone refers to me as something behind my back. Me no likey. If someone refers to me as something to my face, I have no problem with that. Which leads me to the answer to #3 – then I’d make a joke about it with the person and we could laugh. 😁

    Thanks for the thought-provoking questions and lively discussion.

    P.S. Are grown children puppets? 🤷‍♀️

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    • Lori, it’s been interesting to read who is offended by Matriarch and who isn’t. There’s been no definitive trend about this word.

      I, too, in certain cases use humor to defuse name calling, but for the most part just let it go. People use the words they use, whether the intent is mean-spirited or kindhearted is whole ‘nother.

      In answer to your question, I hope parents don’t think of grown children as puppets… but who knows for sure?

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  43. I’m 44 and though I’m still ”young”, the wine shop no longer asks for my ID and younger shop assistants use the polite form to address me… the form I was taught is only reserved for the elderly! I remember once when I was young, I called a customer with that polite pronoun, and he responded, don’t say that, I’m not the King! Now I understand him perfectly. I’m not 100 and I’m not the Queen so please use the same slang pronoun for me that I use! I don’t consider myself the official type, I’m quite casual. So I only see this aggressive politeness as ageism! Though I’m sure it’s not meant to be offensive, I take offence. So in this sense, I understand your friend perfectly! As for matriarch, I somehow associate this female figure to be large in size, sturdy, humourless. I don’t think it’s a fun thing to be called 🤪🙃

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    • The Snow Melts Somewhere, no one asks for your ID anymore; that is a milestone, come to think of it. Funny about your customer, Not The King. As you get older you do begin to understand your elders better– and why he said what he said. I also agree that “aggressive politeness as ageism!” I like that line, it is so true.

      I hadn’t thought of it before but I too think of anyone who is described as a Matriarch to be humourless. I don’t jump to the age issue as much as the personality issue. Maybe that’s another reason Wendy didn’t want to be called a Matriarch.

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  44. So interesting. Somehow the word Matriarch brings to mind the tv show Dallas for me. What was that Matriach’s name – Sue Ellen? And so with it, I get the image of someone who is manipulative.

    But I love your line “I believe you” and your wisdom that they keep friendships alive. So well said and true! Lucky Wendy! 🙂

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    • Wynne, I think of Falcon Crest [about the same era as Dallas] when I hear the word Matriarch. I have the same idea as you of a manipulative, greedy people. BUT many commenters have suggested a kinder more respectful definition of Matriarch and they’re right, too.

      About a gazillion years ago someone taught me about “I believe you.” This person said that those three words are more powerful than “I love you.” I don’t know if that is true, but “I believe you” comes in handy.

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  45. Hmmm. I don’t think it would bother me to be called a Matriarch, but it hasn’t happened yet, so I’ll have to report back.

    While it doesn’t bother me, I am endlessly fascinated by how many people call me Liz. My name is Elisabeth, I only EVER introduce myself as Elisabeth, and I don’t ever sign off as Liz to anything (even if I’m communicating with someone who calls me Liz). It is such a random assortment of people who address me this way: my husband’s previous boss, the secretary at my doctor’s office, someone in small group at church. So they are all relatively weak ties…but they all EXCLUSIVELY call me Liz.

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    • Elisabeth, looking forward to your update about your impressions when someone calls you the Matriarch of your family. I suspect it’ll be decades from now.

      That is weird about how people default to LIZ when you don’t use the nickname. I’ve known many Elizabeths [or Elisabeths too] and some have used nicknames, Beth, Liz, Lisa, while others use their full name. I try to be cognizant of the preferred name never assuming a nickname unless specifically told to use it. I wonder why these people assume you’re LIZ?

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  46. It would be weird being called a “Patriarch,” because we don’t have kids. My brother Jim, who has a granddaughter, might be the closest to a patriarch that we have. Now, my grandfather was a patriarch…

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  48. First and foremost, I love that you used the name Wendy as your alias. That was the name of a friend who died last year. It felt like a wink from her, and it was a bright spot in my day today.

    Second, I was told (via another person) that a family member called me “crazy” because of all the soul homework/reiki/manifestation I do. I would have taken offense to that two years ago, but when I heard it last summer, I burst out laughing. As one of your commenters stated, words are just words, but context matters. I decided to take it as a compliment because I knew who it came from.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Kari, oh I’m glad this name gave you a happy jolt today. I like the name too. I’m sorry about your friend, though.

      You raise a good point that if you can figure out why someone would say something about you and be disparaging in the process, then you’re a step ahead of the name caller. I like how you turned it around so that the incident means nothing more to you than an amusing anecdote. Well done.

      I don’t think you’re crazy, btw. I like reiki.

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  49. I would have no problem being called a Matriarch; at this point, I guess I am. (Although, Sea Hag is pretty awesome too.) I’m always amazed by those who are offended by being called “ma’am” or “sir”. Of course, I’m Southern and we are taught to use both from birth as a sign of respect.

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    • Linda, I don’t have a problem with Matriarch but Wendy the Sea Hag did. I don’t try to change people so sure, why not be a Sea Hag, Wendy. 🙄

      As for the “ma’am” or “sir” issue. I take no offense with those words but many people do. Honestly I don’t know why that is so but I realize that they provoke a negative feeling in some people. Wish I could explain it.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Margy, I love knowing you’re Attila the Mom. It’s perfect and has given me a big ole chuckle. “I understand” is another good phrase to use… in certain situations… Thanks for mentioning it here.

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  51. Ally, I don’t think being referred to as the Matriarch or Patriarch is insulting at all. To me, it is just a title we assign when someone is “in charge” of their family. I look at it as having more life experience. I really have never cared how someone has “named” me. That being said, I can’t remember hearing something so egregious it insulted me, and I certainly wouldn’t take offense to someone praising me…even if it rings fake. I do think I have a responsibility of sorts to pass on my opinions to friends who are taking something way too seriously IF I am asked my opinion. I try not to volunteer or push that opinion, but instead wait for a cue or a direct question to advise that I do think the friend needs to step back from taking something too seriously and not being able to lighten up in the specific instance we’re talking about. Each year that goes by, I find great wisdom in not taking myself too seriously, but some folks are just wired to do the opposite. That’s where I come in…when invited to do so.

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    • Bruce, I like your definition of Matriarch/Patriarch that includes the concept of having more life experience. That’s a profoundly simple and wise way to look at the meaning behind the title.

      I just let people be, I’ve never wanted to fix any of them. But if asked I will tell my truth, not to be hurtful just to be clear. I agree so much with the idea that some people take themselves way too seriously, but seem incapable of lightening up. I don’t know how you can live for many years and NOT give yourself, and everyone around you, a break. 🤷‍♀️

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  52. Matriarch to me would be okay – it’s the senior woman left standing. 🙂 If we’re lucky, we get to age to a point where they saddle us with those words we’d all like not be described by like old, elderly, old folk, old-timer, retiree, senior citizen, but if we give those up we’d have to give up grandmother and grandfather which are two of the best words in the dictionary. 🙂 As for any parent doing something about their ‘adult children’ and their lives, the key word there is ‘adult’ which means they are long past parents telling them what to do.

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    • Judy, yours is a pragmatic acceptance of the word Matriarch. I have no problem with it, but my to the goodness Wendy [and a few other commenters here] does. I don’t know what Wendy thinks of being a grandparent, but you raise a good point.

      I’m childfree but even I know that once a kid is an adult, they may still be your *baby* but you can’t control them. Or you shouldn’t control them if you could. Which I don’t think you can.

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  53. I am the matriarch and happy to be so because not very long ago women didn’t have much power to influence their families because men had all the control. In my case I consider myself the slightly bitchy matriarch of our household to add a little zest to the title. After all I need to keep it interesting. Plus I am more vocal than my husband.

    Quite the can of worms here. I am sure you are going to enjoy all the feedback that has come your way on this topic.

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    • Jenn, I like knowing you are a slightly bitchy Matriarch who adds zest to things. That makes me smile. I take your point about how women have more influence now than they once did and if being called a Matriarch contributes to that influence, so be it.

      Yes, this has turned into one of those blog posts where almost everyone has a slightly different take on what the issue really is. Me? I just think I have a delightfully goofy friend who thinks of herself as a Sea Hag. And what a revelation that is.

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  54. I don’t have much to add; someone already shared the information about crones–which is why I’m sort of looking forward to being one. I have a friend who a bit older than me, and she claimed the word with pride a while back. On a family trip a few years back, one of my cousins (who was more than a bit in her cups) said that she–not my mother–should be considered the matriarch of us now. We all laughed–because she was drunk and we love her and because it was so silly. My mom, the oldest living of her generation and in many ways a keeper of the family, is totally the matriarch. We tease my cousin about it now.

    As for words used at me, I learned in junior high that the other kids in my neighborhood referred to me as The Hermit because I didn’t hang out with them (or anyone, really). That made me feel weird. I think it was the first time I realized that I might be the object of others’ conversation and that they might be saying uncomplimentary things. I suppose there are worse things one can be called.

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    • Rita, I like your tipsy cousin’s declaration. As if she’s running for the office of Matriarch and needs to gather votes. It’s great that your mother is still alive and doing her matriarchal best for the family.

      Interesting what the kids called you and what it revealed to you about yourself. I always knew kids were talking about me and each other, it was a small town, gossip everywhere.

      I like Hermits myself, my mother was one. My husband called her the Happy Hermit, in fact.

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      • Well, in retrospect I’m not sure why it was surprising. All we did was talk about each other. I guess I was surprised that I was viewed that way, but it was completely justified. I was not, then, a happy hermit, but I am now. 🙂 Finally gone back to being who I really am, instead of trying to be who I think other people think I should be. Took me too long to figure that one out. I’m sorry you don’t have your mom any more. I know someone above rather matter-of-factly noted, about moving into patriarch position, that time passes. But it’s hard. I’ve often thought that “matriarch” is probably a pretty lonely thing to be.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I can see how what the kids were calling you was a surprise, but how you realized gossip went on. That makes sense.

          I get it about being who you are instead of being who you thought other people thought you should be. There comes a moment when you realize what’s been going on. I’m glad you figured it out.

          I agree what being the matriarch must be lonely. Never thought of it until now, but you’re right. So many family members gone, and there’s only you now.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Yeah. When I was a kid I used to think about all the people my grandparents once knew who were gone. One of my grandmothers lived to be 101, and by the end she had no siblings, and she didn’t even have friends her age. She didn’t talk about it, but I know how much I want people who have lived through the things I’ve lived through, when I lived through them. Perhaps that is at least part of why “matriarch” is a term of respect, generally. And, maybe, on some level, why Wendy doesn’t want to be one. My other grandmother used to tell me that getting old beat the alternative, but I think there must be a ceiling to the truth of that statement.

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  55. I wouldn’t mind being called a matriarch because I’m the oldest generation in my family at the moment. It hasn’t happened yet though!

    Until recently, I thought being called a Crone means I’m an ugly old woman. A woman trained in mythology called me out on that, insisting that crones are wise, not necessarily ugly. Oh, well. 😀

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    • Marian, I’ve no doubt you’d make a great Matriarch of your family.

      I know that Crone has a positive meaning in a spiritual sense, but in a literal sense I don’t like the word. There must be a better way to describe a woman of a certain age who is wise, not afraid to get things done, and deserves respect. I saw someone on IG say that’d be a Queenager, but I dunno…

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  56. I Would take offense because my cat will never truly be my kid, unless I had sex with a cat and had a human kitten hybrid…until then refrain from calling me the patriarch

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  57. I think we all have something we don’t like to be called which is kind of silly. Matriarch sounds like someone of authority … my adult children would never consider me an authority on anything!

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    • Jan, great observation. I agree that every person has some name or description that irritates them. I love knowing where you stand with your children. Being an authority figure is overrated.

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  58. I suspect that the tone which someone used when she said Wendy was the matriarch irked her far more than the actual word. Besides the fact, Wendy, her adult children, and whoever is none of this person’s business.

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    • Gigi, I’m sure you’re right about the tone of voice and I also think the intent behind the Matriarch comment was meant to aggravate Wendy. It did, but once she vented she got her old sense of humor back. As for her children, they’re lovely.

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  59. Although no one ever called John the patriarch of the family, he was the oldest living member. I wouldn’t mind being called a matriarch at all, but I don’t feel I am the head of the larger family. I don’t know who would be, perhaps John’s next youngest sister. My brother is still alive, so I wouldn’t be the matriarch in my family. My role is undefined! I’m free to be me!!

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  60. I want to hang out with you and Wendy, and Humpty Dumpty is absolutely right about the meaning of words.

    I’m not a matriarch yet, my MIL is still alive. I’m not sure my step-mom will ever get that role, though she is a lovely person. She didn’t really have a role in raising her step-kids, she came along too late for that.

    Sea witch? I could do that. Not too thrilled with the term ‘hag’, though of course the mirror may disagree with me…

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    • J, it’s funny how that Humpty Dumpty quote floated into my mind after talking with Wendy. I mean, if she wants to be a Sea Hag, and you do too, then so be it.

      I’m not certain about how one officially becomes a Matriarch. If your step-mom doesn’t fill the bill then it might fall to you eventually, later. But I suppose you’d have to want to be called the Matriarch. I wonder if there’s an ascension ceremony? 😉

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  61. My cousin calls my mom the Smeck – senior matriarch – so the word will always make me laugh! But call me an old crone or a sea hag… friends off! Although my twisted soul aisters have probably called me worse! As you said, good when your finds can harass uou!

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    • Bernie, your mother has an unusual nickname. I’m glad you and she appreciate it because it’s priceless. I enjoy knowing you have twisted soul sisters, somehow this doesn’t surprise me.

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    • Gwen, funny take on Ma’am. I remember being surprised, but also I live close enough to and have relatives in the South, so that it seems kind of normal to me. I agree about light-hearted friends. Life would be sad without them.

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  63. I can think of many worse words than “matriarch” and although I am the oldest woman in my family now that my mom is gone, it still sounds much older than I feel. I’m an “older person” by age but again, I don’t feel like an older person. I like “senior” when it comes with a discount. 🙂 I wouldn’t love “crone” or “hag” which bring to mind an old, bent-over person with a chin hair or two, supporting herself with a stick and possibly scaring small children.

    Being called “ma’am” makes me think the person is either in the military (or was) a/o is from the South. Doesn’t bother me at all, I’d rather be called “ma’am” than “miss”, the latter seeming to me at my age that the person is trying to make me feel younger, which I don’t really need. What I don’t really love is being called “hon”, especially by someone younger than I am.

    I think how a person takes being called by a term has lots to do with the connotations the person being addressed has of the term . You have no idea how the other person might mean it unless the tone a/o facial expressions help.

    Friends who can make me laugh and can laugh with me are priceless. I can’t have friends without a sense of humor.

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    • Janet, oh I’m laughing here: “I like ‘senior’ when it comes with a discount.” BRILLIANT observation. 😜

      I’d forgotten about how people sometimes call a woman Miss, like Miss Daisy of driving fame. Not a fan of that either, although like you I have no problem with Ma’am or Sir, but many commenters do.

      You’re right about the definition one attaches to the word and the context in which it is said. Often a somewhat obnoxious word, like Girl, is perfectly fine among friends, but I’d never allow it with old misogynistic men who use it disparagingly to try to put strong women in their place. 🤨

      Also agree about your criteria for friendship: must have a sense of humor. I’d add must be able to snark when necessary.

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  64. As an Australian, I suppose you’d guess that we do like to have a cheeky jibe at a friend under the umbrella of friendly banter between friends. To laugh at ourselves is a fun way to lighten conversation and perhaps perversely, to endear yourself to the other person so that the bond between you is reinforced. But that is us? Idk?
    As for Matriarch – I consider that a term or respect, even if it has connotations of age. Much preferable to ‘Sea hag.’ That might cause considerable offence to me. The word hag…. not good. Old bag being slightly better than hag….Call me an Old sea bag and that would probably mean you are a close friend I could trust with such a label. Otherwise it would be offensive.

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    • Amanda, yes I’d expect no less from you than being cheeky and lighthearted with your friends. That’s definitely been my experience with Australian acquaintances. Delightful fun, sayeth me.

      Matriarch is one of those words that I find harmless and like you said, respectful, BUT not everyone does. [See comments here 🙄] As for Sea Hag I suppose if nothing else it’s distinctive, unlike Matriarch and Crone, and maybe Wendy liked it for that reason. I hadn’t thought of Old Bag but sure… if that makes sense to you… we could call you that.

      [Isn’t there a British saying from the ’20s in which men called each other Old Bean? Like Bertie Wooster and his cohorts said that?]

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  65. Matriarch or patriarch is not in the least derogatory to me as opposed to Crone or Sea Hag which seems to have a very negative connotation. The definition of matriarch is the head of a family or tribe. If anything, I think it holds a positive meaning.

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    • Pete, I agree with your definition of Matriarch and it doesn’t offend me, BUT Wendy and a few other commenters here take issue with it, feeling it is derogatory and ageist. Despite formal dictionary definitions words hit ‘ya in different ways. As for Sea Hag… maybe not how I want to be described, but *hey* I believe Wendy.

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  66. It would be weird being called a “Patriarch,” because we don’t have kids. My brother Jim, who has a granddaughter, might be the closest to a patriarch that we have. Now, my grandfather was a patriarch…

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    • Max Ethan, I get what you’re saying. I don’t use the words Matriarch or Patriarch often, and now that I see the response to them I might never say them again. Thanks for stopping by to comment.

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  67. With no children, if anyone called me a patriarch of anything I’d certainly find it highly amusing. I figured women who were fond of the beach would identify as mermaids, so it’s interesting that Wendy has no problem with being a sea hag…

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    • evilsquirrel13, I take your point about Mermaids. The thing about them is that they don’t walk, they swim– and that’s not what Wendy does. Presumably Sea Hags know how to walk, hence her affinity for that name.

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  68. Some words carry a heavy load for people. Matriarch might do it for me, too, as my mother (age 92) is currently holding the title for our family. I do NOT want to follow that act. No thank you. I love that your friend is amenable to Sea Hag; sometimes we have to take back ownership of negatively connotated words, like Curmudgeon. (I’ve been known as the family curmudgeon for a lot longer than is probably appropriate.)

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    • nance, you’re right about certain words. I think the thing about Matriarch is that it implies defining yourself by familial relationships while Hag suggest you’re defining yourself by your own sense of purpose. I like that. Take control of the word like you did with Curmudgeon.

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  69. Patriarchy has become a dirty word for many people, but sometimes it’s the matriarchy you have to watch out for. When I chose to let my hair become its natural silver colour, some women said, “Good for you! F**k the patriarchy!” But really I found it was the matriarchy who judged me. Men did not care AT ALL what colour my hair was, but women certainly did, and they had strong feelings. These days that’s what I think of when I hear the word matriarch, and it’s not a warm and fuzzy feeling. It judge-y. I’d prefer not to be on the receiving end of it.

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    • Arlene, excellent reasoning about the other side of the matriarchy, the less than warm and fuzzy side that we tend to forget. There can be a certain *mean girls* grown up aspect to it. I get what you’re saying with your example. I’m in the process of letting my hair go gray and grow long– and yes I’ve received some pushback on this. Not from men, though. But women want me to not change how I look, like I’m betraying them in some way by doing so.

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      • I know two things, now that my hair is its natural colour. First, it feels great to be authentic, and not have to worry every time the wind lifts my hair and reveals my roots. Second, I get a lot more second looks now than I did with dark hair. The appraising looks I get from women I don’t know seem to say, “Look at that. She’s got silver hair, and she doesn’t half bad.”

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        • These are wonderful discoveries confirming my belief that being authentic is what turns heads, both literally and figuratively. I’m what the hair stylists call *gronde* [gray + blonde] but someday I might get to all silver.

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  70. Your friend is funny!
    I’ve been the Matriarch of my family for a long time, and I’m ok with that. You know I like to boss people around, but having the title makes it even better! 😜😳
    I’d not like to be called a Sea Hag or a crone because I am neither.
    My friends often make me laugh and I like how you just let your friend think the way she wants to think….apparently there was no telling her otherwise.

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    • Suz, once Wendy got through venting about the someone who called her a Matriarch she regained her sense of humor. I’m convinced that Wendy isn’t against the idea of being a respected woman of a certain age, just the idea that she can control her adult children. I don’t want to be called a Crone, even after many commenters have explained its mythical origins. As for trying to change people, not really my thing. That’s why I fall back on “I believe you” often, because I do believe them.

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  71. It’s not that I find the word matriarch offensive, but it often seems to carry with it the idea that the woman has some kind of superpower that she probably doesn’t, like Wendy controlling her adult kids. If it is used as a term of respect for the mother of the clan, I think it is fine. The definition varies in this regard too, and thus one person’s use of the word might be different than the one it is aimed at:
    1. A woman who rules a family, clan, or tribe.
    2. A woman who dominates a group or an activity.
    3. A highly respected woman who is a mother.

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    • Dorothy, yes Wendy balked at the term rather vociferously. I’d say it might have as much to do with the someone who said it to her as the actual meaning of the word. From all the comments about Matriarch I’m going to say that your three definitions cover all the bases. This has been a fascinating topic, opinions are as varied as the commenters making them. Definitely no consensus. I figure that being a childfree woman I’ll never be called a Matriarch, but Sea Hag I suppose could happen.

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  72. I love this post! It gives such a great perspective! For me, I would be honored to be called the Matriarch of my family because it is a title of honor in my opinion.

    I love my friends who aren’t serious (like me) because we can always find a joke about it 🥰

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    • butimbeautiful, I know that Matriarch can sound antiquated and like a way to justify controlling others. I get that. Old Bat is a nice contribution to possible alternatives to it. Thanks for the idea.

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  74. Hi Ally
    Interesting that Sea hag was not so bad for your friend.
    I would not want to be called Crone – and I would not want to be called the other “C” word either – the one that rhymes with hunt!
    —

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  75. If the choice is between Matriarch/Crone/Sea Hag, I would take Matriarch any day – it sounds like someone worthy of dignity and respect or someone on an old TV show like Dynasty or Dallas! Is it even possible to keep adult children in line – they’re adults???

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    • Joni, duly note, you’d prefer being called a Matriarch, not Crone or Sea Hag. I understand the reasoning for your choice– and I, too, wonder if it’s possible to keep adult children in line. Me thinks not, but then I’m pragmatic, not one to use the Matriarch… like ever.

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  76. Thanks Ally, I was chuckling away as I read this post (and still am if truth be told). Your friend Wendy sounds just like my mother. I’d be more insulted by the suggestion I should keep my adult children in line, while my mother – like your friend – wouldn’t care, but would be insulted at the thought of she was being called old. Your friend did better than my Mum by embracing the Sea Hag option; my Mum would hate all words that forced her to accept her considerable years.

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    • Deb, I’m glad you’re laughing. It was a goofy conversation but once I realized that Wendy didn’t care about insults to her parenting, it got funny. If nothing else this post has confirmed that the word Matriarch is one to avoid. Not like I use it to begin with, but *gracious* it does evoke opinions and the feelings.

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  77. I don’t have an issue with matriarch. However, I remember being called “Ma’am” when I was 27 or so and taking great offense to that! The person who said it was probably 19!have an issue with matriarch.

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    • L. Marie, it’s interesting because many commenters have mentioned how shocking it was the first time they were called Ma’am. I grew up with Southern family so it didn’t hit me so hard. Still anything that pushes toward *older* can be annoying.

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  78. I love “Wendy.” It cracks me up that she can accept the criticism of her parenting skills but be offended by the term matriarch. That tells me a little of her personality. I am okay with being called the Matriarch of the family, maybe because I come from a long line on strong women and hope my children and grandchildren look at me in a similar way. I am not bothered by Ma’am either. I wouldn’t want to be referred to as a crone or old lady. Sometimes it annoys me when my husband refers to me as Grandma when he isn’t speaking directly to one of the grandchildren. I’m not sure why. I’ll have to give that some thought…or better yet, talk through it with a friend that doesn’t take life too seriously.

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    • Christie, I thought this conversation was going to hinge on Wendy being insulted about her parenting, but it went in a different direction. I have no issue with Matriarch but everyone has a different idea of what it means [just look at these comments]. And, of course, context contributes to whether a woman is upset with the title. Like you Ma’am doesn’t bother me, but a few years ago I did have some construction guys catcall me yelling Grandma and that bugged me. HOWEVER I got over it and have been able to live a fruitful life in spite of it. I’m sure you’ll work through your reservations about it, too. 😁

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  80. I don’t associate Matriarch with being old. I associate it with being female and in charge, regardless of age, so I wouldn’t find it offensive. It’s funny (by which I mean interesting) how different people perceive things differently.

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    • The Travel Architect, I don’t know that I’d have ever given Matriarch a second thought if it weren’t for Wendy. I like your take on the word and I agree that it’s endlessly interesting to see how one word can elicit so many different comments.

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  81. Matriarch to be called that would make me sound prim and proper…oh dear-smile- Madam is the word everyone uses here to address me but it’s a cultural thing …but as my mother used to say “as long as you are not called too late for dinner” don’t worry and I don’t…lol…

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  82. Wendy sounds funny. Although I would have taken more offense at someone criticizing my parenting skills, but there it is. Everyone has a different view of the world.
    Also, Ally, I have to say that there are soooooo many comments on your blog that I don’t always comment because it takes 5-ever to get to the end!

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  83. Pam, I understand. It’s interesting to see what other readers say, but you can just jump in and say your piece too. I’m not sure how one is supposed to handle lots of a comments on a blog post. Is there are rule or something?

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  84. I understand if your friend doesn’t want to be referred to as a matriarch, but I think she’s wrong that that is an example of agism because its an honor to be a matriarch. Isn’t agism about dissing people because of their age rather than honoring them? I think the person who called her that was also wrong to stick her nose where it did not belong (does that make me a B—-?).

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    • Annie, you raise a good point about the Matriarch. I guess if you think it’s wonderful then you don’t think of it as ageist, but if you’re opposed to it your mind goes to agism? From that perspective I understand why Wendy thought it was insulting in the way she did. As for being a bitch, many good women who accomplish things are. You know the saying, bitches get things done! 😉

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  85. I love the term matriarch and I’ve been cultivating the act of being one since I was in my 20’s. In fact, my mother was VERY annoyed when one year – almost about 15 years ago now – a certain sibling said I was the matriarch of our family if not in name at least in deed. My grandmother was such a good one, I hope to be too. (I also joke I’m a little like a border collie trying to herd all my loved ones together.)

    I like crone too. It sounds…wise.

    Sea hag isn’t for me. I like the Great Lakes, but am not a fan of salt water and hag just sounds…mean?

    Basically, I’m the complete opposite in gut reaction to your friend. How funny the things that appeal and disgust….

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    • Katie, I like how you define Matriarch and from your perspective it is a good word even if your mother is peeved with you. I also like the idea of you knowing you behave like a border collie. We have neighbors with two of them and they are delightful dogs. Determined + alert, you know.

      A few other comments have mentioned that they like Crone, but I’m going to avoid it. As for Sea Hag, apparently the definition of hag means an old woman who doesn’t define herself by her familial relationships. She is free, so I’m guessing that’s what intuitively appealed to Wendy [if she’d ever bother to figure out why she liked the term, which I doubt that she ever will].

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    • Matthew Helms, I’m not sure. I’m sorry. Your comments may have gone into spam which happens sometimes. I don’t check what’s in spam trusting that WP knows what’s what, then I just delete spam without looking at it. AND WHILE WE’RE ON THE TOPIC OF WEIRD THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN BLOGGING, why am I not getting notification of pingbacks? My answer to both questions: I dunno.

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  87. As always, very interesting perspective. “That which we call a rose” but I probably have that quote wrong. I realized with my mom’s passing that I have become the matriarch of the family, and am OK with that. And I think my family will view me with love and respect in that role. When my MIL passed, I tried to take on the mantel of matriarch but was not given the love & respect of that family. That still hurts. I’m not sure I can abide Crone or Sea Hag though… even though I do live on the water (salt water but a bay… is that still the sea?). There are so few good terms for women of a certain age!

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    • Pat, your last sentence sums it up: “There are so few good terms for women of a certain age!” I’m glad your rise to Matriarch has been successful in at least one family. I find both terms, Crone or Sea Hag, a little off-putting, but may commenters like either. Whatever makes you happy, I suppose.

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    • candidkay, got it, you’re a Matriarch never a Sea Hag. This conversation about which name you find insulting and why has been interesting. The ways in which a person can be insulted are as varied and nuanced as the people who comment here.

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  89. Ally, I associate the word “Matriarch” or “Patriarch” as being old. I remember when my grandmother passed away, my mother said “I guess I’m the oldest woman in the family now that Mom’s gone, so I’m the matriarch.” I had never heard her use that term before – it sounded rather formal to be honest. The Schaub line stops with me as I never had any offspring. I have never married and a lot of that has to do with my great grandmother, grandmother and mother making poor choices … really poor choices. So, I decided long ago, a person would have to be pretty special and treat me like a princess for me to ever marry … and even then I’d have to get to know them very very well. My parents dated for several years before marrying, so obviously he was on his best behavior. The monikers of “spinster” and “old maid” are not really used anymore because many women today put their career before marriage, or having a life partner, or even a relationship. But I have been referred to as a spinster over the years and to be honest I was NOT hurt by that comment as much as angry.

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    • Linda, I agree about how Matriarch sounds formal. I know I don’t think of the word often nor use it in my daily lexicon, but I can understand why Wendy was offended by it considering the source. Plus talk about a good topic of conversation on this blog!

      Interesting how you came to decide to not get married. I’m sure as a child and young woman what you saw your mother et al go through influenced you more than they may have realized it would. I always figured I’d get married, never thought much more about it than that.

      I’d forgotten about Old Maid and Spinster being terms for a woman of a certain age who’d never married. I had a friend years ago who wouldn’t play the card game Old Maid because she found its premise offensive. I get your anger.

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      • My mom hated that I felt that way Ally. She really bemoaned the fact that I had been tainted by three generations of family members that I had nothing but disgust for. Her greatest wish was that she would go to her grave knowing I had a different last name. 🙂 She would point out friends of the family with stellar marriages and husbands that doted on their wives. This was true – those couples that attended my parents 25th wedding anniversary party, it was “until death do us part” for them, with their spouse dying shortly thereafter their partner, likely of heartbreak. I would not be swayed and I am too set in my ways now to change. Yes, people make comments trying to set you off sometimes. I have two high school friends whose husbands remind me why I stay single.

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        • I’ve never thought about how I was influenced into marriage by the women in my family, but I was. All the marriages I saw as a child may not have been perfect but they endured. I can understand why you were put off by what you saw, though. Laughing about *some* husbands who have confirmed your plan to stay single. Yep, they’re out there, being jackasses with women who will [inexplicably] put up with them.

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          • One of the *ideal couples* was our neighbors. Their marriage came with an asterisk, because she did not have a mind of her own. She once told my mom they never argued in over 60 years of marriage. “That’s because she never disagrees with him – of course they don’t argue” my mom would say to me, then she’d add “you don’t have to concede 100% of the time.”

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    • Mary, oh I do like the idea of you being Crazy Cat Lady. It’s a designation I find inspiring and positive. I’m with you about derogatory names, but as Wendy proved it’s all about who is saying them and the subtext. Promise to call you in time for dinner.

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