A Crack In Everything: Talking With A Friend About Aging Gracefully + Announcing A Change To My Blog Schedule

/ Ally Bean

A WHILE BACK I WAS TALKING with a Friend about a decision she needed to make. Not a huge one, but a smaller annoying one that comes down to deciding who she is comfortable being now.

Friend, much to her consternation, has to alter her way of thinking about something.

While the details of Friend’s decision are specific to her particular situation, there’s a bigger picture to contemplate, especially as you get older.  And a little bit cracked by life.

As we all do.

~ • ~

HERE’S THE DEALIO: Friend is in her early 50s and has been running almost every day since she starred on her high school cross country team. As an adult she runs marathons, not ultramarathons or half marathons, but MARATHONS.

She’s very clear on this point.

Friend is known for, and is externally validated by, running marathons. She proudly & consistently defines herself as a marathoner, and up until this last year she’s ALWAYS been the fastest, or second fastest, in her age group.  She has ruled in every marathon she’s ever run, until now.

This does not please her.

Friend knows she’s getting slower, the numbers prove it, but she still wants to keep running because she likes to run. However from her point of view there’s a decision to be made, one that is more ego-based than anything else.

Should she:

A) Continue to run in marathons like she has her entire life while reluctantly accepting that there’s a good chance she’ll not be the best in her age group anymore which makes her sad?

OR

B) Start to run in half marathons, something she considers second-class to a *real* marathon, but wherein she believes she’d be the fastest in her age group which makes her happy?

~ • ~

I’LL TELL YOU FRIEND’S DECISION in the comments below so that you, my little sparks of joy, can take a few seconds to contemplate how you’d handle a situation that involves your ego struggling with itself to gracefully accept the fact that you’re aging.

That is, are you more inclined to lean into doing the same thing as always, but in what you’d describe as a less successful way? Or are you more inclined to do something new that you consider inferior, but do it in a brilliant way?

To put this quandary in a more chit-chatty pithy way: do you keep on keeping on [focus on perseverance] OR do you accept that life’s tough and get a helmet [focus on modification]?

• • ☀️ • •

PLEASE NOTE:

In order to allow more light to get into my life, The Spectacled Bean will be on SPRING/SUMMER HOURS until further notice.

I shall forget my perfect weekly offerings and instead post every couple of weeks, reply to comments here, and check-in with you on your blogs every so often.

Take it easy, everyone. Ring those bells!

Do good. Play nice. Be happy.

• • 😎 • •

251 thoughts on “A Crack In Everything: Talking With A Friend About Aging Gracefully + Announcing A Change To My Blog Schedule”

  1. As promised:

    Friend decided to do the same thing, just not as well. She wants to continue to define herself as a Marathoner, that’s what makes her feel comfortable with herself. She can live with the sadness of not being the best.

    Liked by 8 people

    • Friend’s decision is the one I was hoping for. If it’s the running itself that ultimately brings her happiness, where she finishes on the list should become more of a footnote. The same holds true for bloggers. If it’s the writing itself that ultimately brings us happiness, then statistics like number of followers or frequency of posting should be considered a footnote. As long as we still have readers, of course… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Dave, excellent analogy to blogging. You’re right that the stats of a personal blog are a footnote, while the writing is the main event that triggers the comments [more writing] that are fun, too. I’ve never been the best at anything like Friend has, but I understand her conundrum and support her decision.

        Liked by 1 person

    • I’m a runner and I will do the same. 🙂 running gives more to me than to the world, even if I am the slowest, those benefits are still there.

      Like

      • Coco, good point about the benefits of running on a personal level. I think Friend has figured this out, too. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.

        Like

  2. I just finished reading “From Strength to Strength” by Arthur C. Brooks, and in this book he addresses this very topic – how we need to embrace the changes that come with the years and focus on the different kinds of strengths that emerge as we get older. In other words, as we get older, younger people do things we used to be the best at better than we can, BUT we do other things better than do, so we need to focus on those strengths. It’s not comfortable. We don’t like it at all, but the shift in perspective might help us. So, perhaps your friend can keep running and become the best coach of younger marathoners. https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/646134/from-strength-to-strength-by-arthur-c-brooks/#

    Liked by 1 person

    • Arlene, thanks for trying to hard to leave a comment. I appreciate it. I rescued your comment with the link and trashed the second one. The books sounds fascinating and spot on to the conversation Friend and I had. Yes I say to focusing on “different kinds of strengths.” I like your idea that she could coach younger marathoners. She’d be good at that, once she got over introverted shy nature.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, wow. This is so tough. I suppose it’s something all of us will face at some point. It makes me think of retirement, especially for some professions (airline pilot and physician come to mind). There is either a definite cutoff or a time when you have to admit that you aren’t what you once were or risk hurting people. This is, of course, applicable only to people who love their jobs and aren’t looking forward to retirement!

    I don’t know if I would be able to decide. Is there a secret third option where your friend transitions into an ultramarathoner or a triathlete? That’s what I would do. Just go for something brand new. (No I wouldn’t.)

    While I will miss your regular posts, I love that you are so clear about setting boundaries for yourself. Hope your summer hours are wonderfully enjoyable.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Suzanne, you’re right that this is a tough kind of decision to make, and I realize it’s all situationally dependent, but eventually I figure we’re all faced with deciding what to do when we aren’t as good as we used to be. Excellent examples of the pilot or physician, they could hurt people if they hang onto to who they used to be too long.

      There well could be a third option, but I’m only reporting how Friend framed her decision. She was quite sincere in believing there were her options.

      Thanks for your kind words about the blog. I’ll still be here, but I’m ready to goof off away from the screens. All of them. Blogging is fun, but…

      Like

    • I faced a different but similar situation as a (very) young girl practicing gymnastics 🤸‍♀️ Gymnastics is a (very) young person’s game. But with the help of my wise parents, I found out what I got from gymnastics, and found an outlet in other activities.

      It’s not the same as your great analogy, Suzanne, but I think the same concept holds true. If one’s joy or essence in life is from the job title as in “I’m a pilot” rather than with the activity (or the paycheck 😁), when one can no longer be a pilot, does one’s self worth gets shattered?

      I wonder if it’s a positive that your friend, Ally, decided that the joy she got from the marathons was greater than the joy she got from being first?

      And, yes, while I, too, will miss your regular posts, I love that you’re protective of the light (great Leonard Cohen quote!) in your life. Don’t forget to come shine it back on us, too!

      Liked by 1 person

      • EW, while Friend’s decision is about running, we all face similar quandaries as your youthful gymnastic situation illustrates. I’m glad you found a way to remain active and that your self-worth wasn’t shattered permanently when you gave up on gymnastics.

        In the moment Friend’s decision to keep on running marathon seems positive. Whether she’ll push herself too much and end up injured remains to be seen. I know that runners sometimes hang on too long, then end up needing joint replacements.

        I’ve always been fond of that Cohen quote so I made an image of it. I’ll still be blogging, just in a reduced way.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Very true. I had a colleague who told me that eventually all runners end up with injuries. I told him I’m a walker 😁

          Now I’m going to look up the song, I love his Hallelujah, I used to listen to it in a loop…

          And reduced is better than a complete break, so I’ll take it 🙃

          Liked by 1 person

  4. Personally I’d retreat to the nearest coffee shop for a nice mocha! I’ve never understood the attraction of running but I was a gong-ho racquetball player, preferring that to eating on occasion. I was forced to give it up because it went out of fashion (translation: no more racquetball courts locally) and my partners moved on to the next thing. I think your friend made the right decisions for herself. The good news is that she can always change it as she wishes.

    Liked by 6 people

    • Kate, I’d forgotten about racquetball. I used to play it, but not well. You won’t find me running any marathons– or running at all. BUT this is Friend’s claim to fame and she’s hanging onto it for as long as she can. I agree, if [when?] she’s over it she can just change her mind.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Dorothy, your comment is exactly Friend’s reasoning. I wish her well, of course– and realize if she gets to the point that she no longer wants to be a marathoner, she’s self-aware enough to gracefully bow out.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I have to wonder what will happen to your friend when age forces her to give up running altogether. I say do what you love as long as you can, but be prepared when that’s no longer an option. She’s more than just a marathoner.
    😉

    Liked by 4 people

    • River, yes I, too, wonder about that. She might be one of those runners who goes on doing it into her 80s, BUT if she isn’t she’s going to have to expand her definition of herself. She’s creative, but keeps that side of her personality more hidden.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Caveat: I don’t run unless something is chasing me.

    Having said that, however, I understand your friend. She’s an Identity Person. She likes being known as a Marathon Runner. I knew she’d make the decision she did because of that. She can still say she’s a Marathon Runner, and that’s the key. Good for her.

    Liked by 2 people

    • nance, you and me both. I don’t run. As a queen that’s how your crown falls off!

      She’s comfortable continuing on being known as a marathoner and I’m happy for her. I imagine at some point she’s going to have to want to run fewer miles, but in the meantime she knows herself well enough to keep on.

      Like

  9. My vote is for half-marathons and maybe, on the side, she could coach folks for full marathons to stay involved with that race. As we age, we run the risk of injury by pushing too hard. Better to stay healthy at half the distance.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Molly, amen sister: Better to stay healthy at half the distance. Oh, we think alike. I know that I’d have no problem doing something less, valuing not getting hurt over external validation. BUT Friend has different way of thinking about this.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I can empathize with friend for sure- not in running but you get the idea- however I have learned to modify. Yes there is the period of time when one must come to terms with the change but for me life is easier when I simply do things differently. I feel rather sad for friend though, who seems to be so fixed in defining herself in only one way as Rivergirl noted.

    Have a wonderful break with the altered schedule Ally Bean!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Deb, I know what you mean about coming to terms with aging and just changing up what you do. However Friend, who is really very shy, wants to continue to be known as a marathoner, so be it. She’ll make a go of it for as long as she can, I suspect. But eventually a new chapter is going to have to open for her.

      I’m not giving up on blogging entirely, just backing down a little bit. I’ll be around. You understand.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Personally I would give up the thing I’m not as good at due to aging and try something else, not necessarily to be the best at it, but because the slowing down would tell me it’s time to move on. Forex, my old hands ache too much to do needlepoint now, so I paint instead, which is easier on my hands. I do define myself as a writer though, so it would be hard to give that up. Luckily, my writing has improved as I age, or at least I tell myself that!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paula, I’m like you. I’d give up doing something wherein I could potentially get hurt, bowing to age. But I don’t define myself by what other people say I am, so it’s easier to just move along into something different. Your needlepoint to painting example is spot on.

      I am laughing with you about being a writer. I, too, think I’ve gotten better as I’ve gone along, but it also might be that I’m more willing to be, shall we say, truthful, than I once was.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. However from her point of view there’s a decision to be made, one that is more ego-based than anything else. ~> Aah, there’s the rub. When Ego enters into a decision, we don’t always do the right thing for the right reasons.

    Perhaps, your friend should just RUN (like Forest Gump) without worrying about feeding her Ego with competitions and set distances and timers? 😀

    Liked by 3 people

    • Nancy, your answer to her quandary is more in tune with how I’d approach the situation. Just have fun, but Friend is more serious than I am and enjoys the drama + numbers of the marathon running world. It’d be a big change for her to not pursue goals. Some people are like that, you know?

      ALSO, thanks for turning me onto M-W’s Blossom word game. Am enjoying it every morning now.

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  13. I always worry about those who have defined themselves by that one thing. Because when that one thing is no longer an option, they find themselves bereft. Those people who live to work and call themselves a (insert title here) and then retire are are retired not by their choice find themselves lost when they no longer have that thing. So many die not long after. Of course, I’m probably talking out of my a$$ as I do NOT define myself as any one particular thing and could not even understand those who do.

    Good for you on setting boundaries so that you can let more light in.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Dale, yes, yes! I worry about people who define themselves by one thing. Have you ever gone out to dinner with someone retired who only talks about what they used to do when they had a title? I have and it’s disconcerting. I do many things and depending on where and how and when you knew me, I am a multitude [to steal from Walt Whitman].

      As for Friend, she is shy and I think being known as a marathoner is easier for her than to branch out and talk about other things she does. Because she does do other things, very well.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I think it’s always a struggle to accept losing when you’re used to being the best at something. But failure is inevitable at some point–I watch kids and teens and even adults fall apart when there’s a transition and they go from being the smartest or best athlete in the class/ school to just being one of many smart/ athletic people. (Sadly, this is where suicide rates increase, especially among Asian students.) I wish the US mentality normalized failure, but our society glorifies individual success to an unhealthy extent. I know conservatives have demonized the participation trophy, but it’s important for our youth to find joy in activities even when they don’t win. I am grateful to all the youth sports that taught my super competitive kid that losing is an inevitable part of life. According to recent psychological articles, children that don’t have experience losing have a harder time dealing with setbacks as adults. Maybe that’s the light that gets in? As for your friend, I think it’s healthier that she chose to continue doing what she found joy in doing, even if she didn’t remain the best. I hope she figures out a different way to find her joy/ purpose/ identity when the inevitable physical issue arises, though!

    Liked by 2 people

    • AutumnAshbough, YES: “I wish the US mentality normalized failure, but our society glorifies individual success to an unhealthy extent.” I, too, have seen adults crumble when they encounter setbacks because they’ve always been the best and don’t know how to deal with those feelings of defeat. Sadly many people believe, like they say in business, that “if you’re not cheating you’re not trying.”

      I like the idea of setbacks being what lets the light in. I, too, hope that when Friend finally has to face the fact that she can no longer run, she’ll be able to define herself differently and not think of herself as a failure.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Happy spring/summer break. I did the same thing last summer and plan to go the same route this year too. I have to admit: blogging on a schedule is what comes most naturally, but life is short and the summer season in Canada is even shorter ❤

    My sister ran the Boston Marathon last week; she was recovering from a horrific bike accident back in November and her time was almost an hour slower than her qualification effort. I was worried she'd be disappointed, but she just texted to say: My only goal was to show up. And she did that! A month after getting her neck brace off. I was just so proud of her for celebrating how far she had come and running and loving the experience – screw the official time!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Elisabeth, I bounce around between the idea that I need to post weekly, and the idea that I’d rather use my free time to go outside and play. My Spring/Summer schedule is a way for me to remember to show up here, but also give myself permission to goof off.

      I’m proud of your sister, too. What a great story of perseverance and one that demonstrates that showing up is half the battle. I so agree: screw the official time! Numbers often just get in the way.

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  16. Ally, an acquaintance of mine is still running marathons at 60 and her mission is to help other aging women do the same. Perhaps suggest your friend look up Susan Loken. She’s really peppy and positive, but offers a nice balance between chasing goals, accepting changes in ability, and optimizing nutrition to support continued health… she’s on social media and there are lots of running magazine articles on her. It may help your friend to see someone else who is going through a similar experience. Good luck to her!

    As for myself, I’m with Kate Crimmins. I’ll pass on the running LOL!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Erin, thanks for the heads up about Susan Loken. I’ll pass the name onto Friend, check her out myself even. BUT like you and Kate and many others here, no stinking way am I running. I wish Friend well, but it’s her pursuit. I’m just sitting on the curb watching as the parade goes by and reporting things.

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      • You’re welcome! I know that Susan REALLY struggled, but seems to have found her rhythm. I hope your friend does as well. If she’s intent on pushing forward, I hope she can find the right tools and routine to help her get there.

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  17. I’m both and A and a B kind of person, depending on the thing at hand. Gardening is my current thing at hand. I had always dreamed of having a two – three acre garden. I thought I’d finally have the time to do it when I retired. Then my knees went bad. By the end of the summer, I’ll know if I’m going A or B on this one.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Annie, excellent point. I was into gardening at one time, spending hours creating a cottage garden look all over this property, but eventually my back couldn’t take it anymore. So I went with B and decided to do a less [flowers in one small area], very well [a thriving butterfly garden]. I look forward to finding out whether you’re A or B.

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    • Jenn, ain’t it the truth! I’m comfortable not being the best [says the B+ student]. Friend has decided that she’ll enjoy being a marathoner no matter what the numbers tell her about her performance.

      Liked by 1 person

  20. I tend to think of that line in a Rush song: “For you, the blind, who once could see, the bell tolls for thee.” If you really are at the top of something you do, it is harder to pivot. Not that I don’t aspire to do things as well as I possibly can, but I accept I am never going to be #1 at anything, ever. So bad knees and back mean changing activities as I age.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Eilene, great line. It applies here. You’re right that if you’ve been #1 or #2 for a long time, the pivot is tricky. I’m not a person who has ever been the best at anything, so for me it’s easy to do different things as well as I can. Friend, however, had concerns.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. I had a conversation with a good friend yesterday and we spoke of the aging process. I see aging as process where we adjust our lives to a series of ‘new normals’. Graduating, marriage, having children, divorcing, retiring, illness – they all require adjusting to a new normal. Life goes fast. I feel like we should always balance how we spend our time with what makes us happy. Is it running or winning that brings her happiness? If she must have both, she might well be disappointed if her body can no longer provide the outcome she desires.

    Enjoy your summer schedule, Ally!

    Liked by 4 people

  22. I keep on keeping on. I think that’s what I do. If running makes her feel good, then run. If she is no longer the fastest? Well, running makes her happy – so I say, who cares if you aren’t #1, just be happy with you. I think that’s what I do. I push on. You’re only as old as you feel.

    Enjoy your summer and your free to do as you please schedule.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ernie, yes Friend is going to keep on with running while understanding that she need not focus on the numbers to feel good about herself. But this whole situation is a different way for her to think about running. I wish her well, of course.

      As for my new schedule I’ll enjoy being less online, more out in the real world. Don’t know what I’ll be doing, but therein is the fun.

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  23. Wow – I can speak to this as I have gone through the exact same thing. I’m 67 and have run since I was 20. I started racing at 40 and typically was top 3 Masters (over 40). As an aside, I don’t agree that half-marathons are inferior. I ran 19 marathons, but raced 5K’s and halfs as well — they are completely different – different training, strategy etc. As I slowed down plus struggled with worsening asthma, I had to do some personal growth and self-examination, wondering what was lacking in that so much of my identity and ego was tied to my running performance. I figured it out and am very happy running slower and not as far, but for the enjoyment, health benefits and social aspect. My purpose in life is to inspire others, particularly women to remain active and healthy as they age. I also tried different sports (such as ice hockey at 54 – wow that was humbling, going from being one of the best to being the worst haha). She needs to recognize how strong she is (physically and mentally and carry it into other things). For example my husband and I did two Camino de Santiago (walked across Spain and Portugal) using the mental and physical strength we developed as marathoners.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Pat, you really are on top of this kind of conundrum. You’ve done the El Camino twice? Wow. [Ice hockey? Really!]

      I don’t know why Friend is down on half marathons, I just know she is. You were smart to focus on figuring out why your identity and ego were tied up in your running performance. Therein is a clue to what really matters. You’re so right: She needs to recognize how strong she is (physically and mentally and carry it into other things).

      A guess about Friend’s need to be known as a marathoner is that she’s introverted and shy. And as such she doesn’t have to explain herself any further than being known for running marathons.

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  24. Sooner or later you realize (I hope) that there is always going to be someone smarter, faster, prettier, wittier, younger, (insert your particular “thing” here) than you. Hopefully at the same time you also realize that your worth is so much more than whatever that “thing” that you thought defined you was/is. I hope your friend factors that into her decision and decides to do what brings her joy, if not glory.

    Deb

    Liked by 2 people

    • Deb, you said it. I’ve long known I am not the best at anything so I’d shrug about not being the winningest. However Friend is going through some feelings about this development and did, finally, realize she could keep running and be happy even if she wasn’t the best. I call that personal growth.

      Liked by 1 person

  25. Ally, I think since your friend has been so good at full marathon’s in the past, I would consider the half-marathon’s as the path to go forward on. The half’s would be a new challenge. Even if she thinks she’d be dominant in them, that still has to be proven. There likely will be new opponents to run against, and new race strategy would need to be developed. We all get older, but hopefully we look for new ways to challenge ourselves. I think it would be satisfying for her training for and competing in the half’s. If nothing else, she is competing against herself and challenging herself to be as good as she perceives she would be.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Bruce, I like your reasoning. It rings true with me and is how I’d approach this conundrum. I can find the challenge in anything and can be happy adapting. [Give me that helmet.]. However for the moment Friend is going to continue running marathons, more slowly, but with the same determination. I don’t know why she’s down on half marathons, but maybe the day will come that she’ll challenge herself to run one.

      Liked by 1 person

  26. I like what Maggie said. Encouraging the ‘older me’ to recognize that a still sufficient, yet slightly slower ‘new me’ CAN exist – well, it takes a little finagling. Seems like every day there’s some new aching revelation…a creaky joint or something. Modify, modify, modify in order to retain the joy, I say. 😉
    And Ally Bean…same to you…enjoy those “summer hours” (I love how you expressed that) and your suggestions? Do good, play nice, ring those bells? You betcha. Good life advice right there. xo! 🥰

    Liked by 2 people

    • Victoria, you’re right about how you have to accept who you are now and encourage yourself, allowing yourself to change. Sometimes the change is just adjusting your head space to acknowledge things as they are now. Yep to modifications. Friend seems content to continue running at a slower pace– and I’m all for that if it pleases her.

      I hadn’t thought of what I said at the end as good life advice, but now that you say it… it is! Kind of advice + a blessing!

      Liked by 1 person

  27. She can still run a very long way, which is amazing and very much more than most can do, usually because ageing bodies often don’t allow us to command them any more. Having just pushed through a difficult and demanding week at work (and in the middle of another one) I’ve accepted that I’m slowing down and difficult weeks are starting to be not just difficult but ultra difficult. Retirement beckons. Cheers.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Lynette, oh I know you’re counting down to your retirement– and won’t it be well deserved. I’m sorry your weeks are getting more cumbersome, but soon you’ll be a free bird in paradise! As for Friend and her ability to run, I agree. She seems to have figured out that it’s amazing that she still can go the distance– and has tossed her concern about times aside.

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  29. Good posting today Ally. Aging has brought some realizations to my wife and I. Annoying medical issues aside, we are just not as strong nor as fast as we were in the past. It took some time to come to grips with this, but we persevere. We do what we can nowadays and hire out for the things that are beyond us. I can recall my parents and grandparents being in the same boat as they aged. Fact of life I suppose. We are happy in our “golden” years. Enjoy your summer Ally and we will see you when we can.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Johnny, you said it: “… we are just not as strong nor as fast as we were in the past.”. THAT is exactly where Friend finds herself. I, too, remember my elders having to come to grips with not being able to do chores, like mowing the yard or shoveling the snow, and how they groused about it.

      And yes, I plan on enjoying playing outside more, looking at screens less. Who knows maybe this is the beginning of the golden years for my blog! 🤔

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  30. Since your friend enjoys being a marathoner, I hope she’ll continue what she really enjoys, even if she is not the best. When my younger brother ran the Chicago marathon, I saw a number of people in their 70s running it. They were making good time!

    Glad you’ll be taking the time to enjoy your spring and summer!

    Liked by 2 people

    • L. Marie, Friend has decided to keep running marathons and has gotten over the being the best angle of it. Running in your 70s! I hate to run but if you can do it and enjoy it, YAY! Still, amazing

      I am going to enjoy time away from screens. I like blogging, but maybe a little less of it, ‘ya know?

      Liked by 1 person

  31. Honestly, I don’t know. I hate running, so I’m having trouble putting myself in her shoes….get it? I guess I’d weigh how much I enjoy what I’m currently doing compared to how disappointed I’d be in the new form of it.

    Happy Summer!

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    • Bijoux, I hate running, too, so I’m right there with you in the wrong shoes. [Good one, btw] However this is a situation we all find ourselves in eventually. Keep doing what you’ve done or find something new to replace it? I know that Friend seems happy with her decision, so a marathoner she still is.

      Happy Summer to you, too. I’ll seize ‘ya when I seize ‘ya!

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  32. Hoo boy…this question is right up my alley. I empathize completely with your friend. Running marathons speeds you up at first. You are running longer distances and increasing your stamina, so the increased stamina makes you faster at every distance. Unfortunately, if you keep running marathons, eventually your body objects, and you start to slow down. A lot! I have seen it happen so many times, including my own experience. I had to make the same decision and I made the opposite one that your friend made. Here is one snapshot memory that influenced my decision: after running a marathon that also had a half marathon associated with it, there was an after-party in a big tent with food, bands, drinks, etc. The half marathoners were all rocking out. They had recovered and were having a great time, dancing and whooping it up. The marathoners looked like zombies. We were all hollow-eyed and wanted nothing more than to take a hot shower and collapse. I won my age group, which was satisfying, but I wanted to have FUN!!! I eventually switched to shorter races.

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    • Laurie, oh you really do relate to this conundrum. Thanks for commenting. I knew you were a runner– and one with insight into this. I didn’t realize that “… if you keep running marathons, eventually your body objects, and you start to slow down.” That is precisely what is happening with Friend but she seems to be coming to terms with it in her own way. Fascinating how your came to realize it was time to forget the distance and just have fun. I can understand how seeing the two different energy levels made an impact on your way of thinking.

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  33. I am all about modification. Life changes. Your body changes. Accepting these changes is a healthy way to be. Resisting change just makes things hard and unhappy. As an example, up until 2019 I practiced second series Ashtanga yoga, and that in combination with overtraining for running put me in danger of an injury – and I did injure my hip while running, very badly. At that point I realized that I should a) be grateful for general mobility, and b) needed to change things. I asked myself why I was doing certain things and came to the conclusion that if I wanted to continue to do things I love, then they would have to change. I changed my yoga practice to a modified primary series Ashtanga, I cut back on running. I feel better than I ever have in my life. When I was in my 30s I could drop back into a backbend and grab my own ankles, and I was known as a person who could do that. Well, I’m not that person anymore! But that doesn’t mean I’m not still me.
    So I guess if I was Friend I would examine what made me happy. If I was happy running marathons I would continue, even if that meant checking my ego at the door. If coming in top of the class was what made me happy, then I guess I would go for the half.
    I think the key to being happy is softening the grip and going with the flow. “You’ve got to roll with the punches to get to what’s real…can’t you see me standing here I got my back to the record machinnnneeee” (sorry for the earworm) (not really sorry)
    Enjoy your spring and summer hours, I’ll see you around!

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    • Nicole, when it comes to modifications you’re preaching to the choir here. I know that if you are realistic with yourself you realize that eventually you have to adapt to survive in a healthy way. Like you did when you adopted a *lighter* kind of yoga and cut back on running. You can’t be inflexible about life– or you’re doomed to a world of hurt. I’m all about letting go of things that don’t work for you, but you’re right that sometimes that means merely softening your grip on things. I’d say that is how Friend thinks about her decision to keep doing marathons, knowing she won’t be the fastest. But she’ll be in the game.

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      • Oh, I’m glad that’s what she’s decided to do – it sounds like she is going to continue to do what she loves. Yay! I get that it is very, very hard to let go of expectations for yourself, but if she can do that, it’s so freeing and wonderful.

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  34. Thanks Ally for sharing your friend’s story and her decision. I used to run short distance races. I rotate my physical activities as I like variety and I try to use different muscles over time. For me it’s about enjoying the activity and not about winning the top spot.

    Glad you’re planning time away from blogging to enjoy spring and summer. It will be light blogging this summer for me too.

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    • Natalie, I’m with you. I like variety in anything I do, so I’d never feel stuck like Friend does. She’s defined herself narrowly, but has come to realize that she likes running because for her it’s the fun of it, not the prize of it. So onward she goes.

      I think we’ve all earned a lighter blogging schedule. It’s rewarding to write a personal blog, but less is more at this point.

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  35. Personally, I’d think defining myself as a marathoner [photographer, sailor, woodworker, writer] would be constraining: perhaps even constricting. I’ve done many things in my life, and continue to do some of them, but what I do isn’t who I am.

    Having been working on boats for over thirty years, I have had to make adjustments, but so what? The things I no longer want to risk doing — like varnishing sailboat masts from a bos’n’s chair — I subcontract. If there’s something someone wants done and I’m not willing to do it, I just tell them, and offer some options. If they don’t agree, they can hire someone else. It’s the occupational version of changing the channel instead of griping about the programming.

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    • Linda, I agree that to define yourself by one thing you do is constraining, but that’s how Friend thinks. I merely report here, one of the many things I do. 🙄

      You’ve had a long career working on boats. I like your sensible approach to how you handle your own limitations brought on by aging. Seems like you’ve found a way to keep going, just a little differently.

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  36. I definitely would do what I think makes me the happiest. Since your friend defines herself as a marathon runner, I think she should keep doing that! I was happy to hear that was her decision, but, of course, the other way makes sense, as well, especially if she really needs the validation that comes from winning.

    I hope you enjoy your blog break!

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    • NGS, your criteria is sound. If it makes Friend happy to run marathons, and she is comfortable not being the best, then onward she goes. I think she’s over the idea of winning.

      I’ll still be posting to this blog, I’m not entirely taking break from all blogging. I’m just adopting and implementing a less is more approach.

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  37. I think she made the right choice. I have a friend who was a top Iron Man competitor around the world. She got slower and no longer finished at the top of her age groups as she got older. She quit competing but still enjoys cycling, swimming and running for fun. I loved ballet but after 50 it hurt my knees to jump and leap about. My ballet teacher moved so that was that. I took up swimming which was easier on the joints. I joined a US Masters team and literally learned how to swim, dive off the blocks and race in US Nationals in my mid-fifties!

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    • E.A. Wickham, I sense that Friend is comfortable with her new approach to running marathons and that’s what seems important to me. But the adjustment has been a blow to her ego.

      You joined a diving team! Look at you go. I’m charmed by this and applaud your determination to stay active– from ballet to diving is quite a switch. What fun.

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      • It was a swim team. I had to learn to climb on the blocks and dive in order to race. It was so scary. I used to hold onto the coach’s hand to get up there 😂. Nationals was held 30 minutes from our home town so the coach insisted we all go. Now that I’m in Arizona, I tried Masters but they were too fast for me. They were all newly graduated college swimmers! So I swim laps on my own.

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        • Interesting. I’d think climbing up onto one of those blocks would be slippery and scary. Newly graduated college swimmers would OF COURSE be faster than just about anyone else. Swimming laps sounds like fun to me, the introverted sloth that I am.

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          • Our coach in Palm Springs was my daughter’s former coach. She was a college swimmer. He was a good coach who would give us individualized workouts. My daughter told me I’d never be able to swim with the team here. She lived here for a year and did. All the swimmers get the same workout that’s long and fast!!

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  38. I’m definitely not an athlete and running is my least favorite of all activities so it’s hard for me to relate to that but it made me think about if I am “defined” as something and I can’t say that I am. Much less pressure on me. Have a wonderful spring/summer break.

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    • Janet, I’m not an athlete either but this kind of decision haunts us all. I mean, if you couldn’t make cards as well as you do now, would you stop making them altogether OR go use your creative talents elsewhere? That’s the kind of decisions we all have to face eventually.

      I’ll still be around in blogland, just less often. Although did toy with the idea of taking a couple months off… but decided on a revised schedule.

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  39. Without a doubt, I’d accept that life’s tough and get a helmet [focus on modification] – by adapting, embracing, and nourishing the body so it lasts another 50 years. 🤔
    I was wondering when you’d switch your blogging schedule again like you have in the past. Enjoy the new schedule. This year, I’m thinking that the brilliance of that idea is something I should try too! 🤔😁

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  40. Love the Leonard Cohen quote – for yes, I have plenty of cracks! 🙂 Me, I’d vote for the keeping on, keeping on, and do the thing I love doing, while acknowledging that I’m no longer the top banana at it. That said, I find that an easy option as – other than being me – I’m not the top banana at anything, nor ever have been. But being the best at being me – that’ll do just fine thank you.

    Enjoy your spring/summer hours Ms Bean!

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    • Deb, I’ve always been fond of that quote. It explains so much in life. I understand your logic about keeping on. Like you I don’t have the burden of being the best at anything so to keep doing things in my own way would be easy. I think that’s why Friend’s decision fascinated me, she really is trying to deal with not being the best anymore. It’s difficult for her.

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      • Agreed Ally, I imagine reaching the top of your tree brings with it a whole new level of stresses than mere mortals have ever felt. I feel for your friend and hope that her decision gets to sit well with her.

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  41. Interesting choice to make. It’s kind of like trying to decide how often to post on our blogs. I decided to cut back considerably, and it helps to only post when something really moves me or inspires me. If I kept blogging the way I once did, there would be more posts, but fewer inspired by true inspiration. Perhaps running a half marathon would be like recognizing where we are in our lives and embracing that with joy and vigor.

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    • Robin, excellent analogy. I used to, way back in the day, be a daily blogger and like you said doing that meant fewer inspired posts, more filler. You’re right that we both adopted the half marathon approach to blogging, embracing life with joy and vigor. A great phrase, btw. We may be doing less but we’re doing it very well, if I do say so myself. 😉

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  42. While I find the idea of running, for any reason—except perhaps to outpace a hungry carnivore—to be absurd and unnecessary, I can’t resist weighing in on your friend’s dilemma. It would seem that she needs to determine what is more important to her: A) running for joy, or B) running to being seen as the best. Internal or external validation. Given that other people’s opinion of us is an essentially worthless measurement (and really, who the hell cares who comes in first or second?), I’d say go for whichever offers the greatest joy. If that’s 26 miles of pain and suffering, rather than a mere 13, there’s the answer.
    Enjoy your summer hours, Ally. You’ve earned some extra time to play. For heaven’s sake, don’t take up running.

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    • Donna, ha! I can guarantee you that I won’t take up running, ever. That being established, I agree that a lot of this decision comes down to how much emphasis you put on what other people think of you. I’m reminded of the old saying: “your opinion of me is none of my business.” That is what I believe.

      Friend seems comfortable with her decision to continue running marathons and ignoring the numbers. For her it seems perfect, for the moment. I wish her well, but won’t be joining her. I’ll sit on the curb and clap.

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  43. I would tell her to try a half marathon just to see how it feels. I’m a believer in giving something new a try. She will either like it and being back on top or will realize that it’s all or nothing. The risk is that as we age, it will eventually be nothing if we’re not willing to compromise or recognize that our bodies are aging and losing strength. (and speed!)

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    • Margaret, I like your sensible approach to deciding what Friend should do. For some reason she is really down on half marathons, but if she could get over herself she’d learn more about who she is by giving a half marathon a try.

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  44. An interesting premise we all face in one way or another. Either way she is facing change and something like neuroscientist Maya Shankur has stuck with me – change almost always involves a loss of identity. So, hopefully her decision resonates with the loss of identity she is easiest to absorb. Which is exactly as you laid it out! But fascinating either way.

    And congratulations on your spring/summer hours, Ally! 🙂

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    • Wynne, yes I think Shankur’s analysis is spot on to this situation. Friend is definitely dealing with a loss of identity, one that to an outsider like me is kind of irrelevant but to her means everything– or at least used to.

      In a way my decision to only post every other week is an example of me giving up my identity as a weekly blogger. Yet, I do that with ease. I’m absorbing that loss of identity gracefully. 😁

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      • Oooh, brilliant tie in between the two things. Right, you are very fluid in that identity. I wonder if it’s easier to deal with that loss when we are moving towards or looking forward to something else?

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        • Probably yes. I’m looking forward to being outside away from screens, so to not be defined as a weekly blogger seems less important to me than it once did. Plus this isn’t exactly an irrevocable decision. I could change my mind and return to my wordier ways. I think the permanence of a decision influences your perception of identity.

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  45. Running is an addiction – I have a friend who is miserable to be around unless she’s gotten in her ten miles + and she just turned 70 !!! I’m not at all competitive so I can’t comment. I like to look around and smell the flowers!

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    • Jan, I’m not athletic so I don’t want to run, ever. But I know that people who enjoy it can sometimes overdo it, maybe like your friend? We all face decisions similar to Friends conundrum. Keep on doing something less well, or do something new very well. Life’s tricky.

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  46. My initial snap judgement about Friend is that she’s a purist. Not necessarily a bad thing, though it can be extreme at times (i.e. my old boss who gets emotionally fired up if someone tries to argue that an ingredient other than gin can still be called a martini). But in further reading, I see it’s more about Friend’s long held self-identity, and how letting go of that is fearful to her. I get that. I wish her well. I long ago stopped looking at the number of miles on my elliptical after a workout because it didn’t provide the same mental “juice” that it had in earlier years. We all transition eventually.

    Enjoy your new schedule. Being outside in beautiful months is always worthwhile. – Marty

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    • Marty, I’ve had someone argue that a martini is only a martini if it is made with gin. OBVIOUSLY they’re wrong. I take your point about being a purist and it does describe Friend to a degree. I don’t know why she dislikes half marathons, but she is adamant.

      I no longer count my steps when I go for a walk. Same deal as your experience with the elliptical. For some people numbers are inspiring, but for me they’re dispiriting. They rarely work in my favor.

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  50. I value a friend like you. Allowing her to figure it out on her own and listening to her as she does so. When people came to me with problems, I used to feel obligated to provide solutions. I’ve realized that just listening is enough.

    I’m glad your friend found a solution that works for her. ❤️

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    • Kari, I used to feel the same way as you. I thought I had to have solutions, but now I’m mellower and just let the story unfold, actively listening and letting whoever figure it out. Friend did in this case and seems happy with her decision.

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  52. As someone who views running as pure torture, I would continue to do the marathons. Use it or lose it, is my initial thought process. She may not finish first or even second, but she will finish.

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    • Gigi, I don’t run either. BUT Friend likes it and after some thought has come to embrace the idea that just finishing a marathon is wonderful regardless of where she places.

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    • Jean, that’s what Friend has decided to do. I don’t know why she considers half marathons a lesser thing, but she does. And being a marathoner is important to her so onward she goes, just more slowly.

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  55. Hmmm, if she had been fastest/second fastest overall, I’d say she should now just focus on being top in her age group (since everyone in her age group is also facing the effects of aging on their running), but you’re saying she is no longer able to win her age group. Hmmm.

    I think either course she would have taken would be fine if she did it with an expansive view and an openness to change and learning. However, a lot of runners (and triathletes) chafe at the snobbery of their fellow competitors who say one distance is “pure” relative to other distances. I can’t say I blame them for their chafing. Sometimes those purists just need to lighten up. In fact, sometimes that elitism is a smokescreen for the fact that they simply can’t perform well at a different (“lesser”) distance – their bodies aren’t designed for it.

    You’ll be missed, Ally. Enjoy your spring and summer!

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    • The Travel Architect, Friend knows she’s slower now than she used to be when she first started running and that doesn’t bother her. It’s not being the best in her age group that bugs her.

      I gathered from her, and other runners, that there is snobbery involved in the running world. I don’t know much about running because I loathe it, but no doubt different people are built better for running certain races. At least for now Friend is going to continue being a marathoner and I wish her well.

      I’m not ducking out of blogland entirely during the spring and summer. I just plan to do less blogging whilst goofing off elsewhere, hence the every other week schedule.

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  57. I guess it comes down to what she gets out of running. If it’s the pride of winning, start running shorter races. If it’s the accomplishment felt from doing something remarkable – run the whole thing and ignore the rankings. If I could run farther than the end of the block, that’s what I’d do.

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  58. Your friend should make her decision on what running events provide her the most happiness, and then be grateful she made the right choice! Enjoy you Spring/Summer blog schedule! As a “hobby blogger” I have no schedule or clock to attend too and it is grand! Best

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    • Awakening Wonders, what you say is how Friend ultimately decided that she’d continue to run the marathons and just be happy about it. But it took her some thinking through it to get to that realization. As for my blog schedule, I’ll seize ‘ya when I seize ‘ya!

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  60. Your friend raises an interesting question. She obviously has to be the one to make the decision ultimately, and I wouldn’t be critical of either path. We all have egos (some bigger than others), so it comes down to what’s more important to her—winning or running for the sheer joy of competing. If she was my friend, the only advice I’d give is perhaps to try a half-marathon to see how that feels before making her decision.

    I’ve gone from blogging once every 7-10 days to once a month this year. Unsurprisingly, I have far fewer visitors to my blog, but this decision was right for me. I’m doing much more story-writing, which gives me more personal satisfaction. I don’t want to be working on the same novel three years from now.

    Enjoy your more limited blogging schedule. I still check in on some of my favorite bloggers each week.

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    • Pete, a few other commenters have suggested the same thing that she should try a half marathon just to see if she likes it. Your pragmatic advice makes sense to me, too.

      Years & years ago I was a daily blogger and that was too much for me, so I went to a once a week schedule which has worked well for me. But this year during the warmer, prettier days of spring and summer I feel like I need to, deserve to, goof off more away from blogland. I’m not giving up on blogging, just putting it on the back burner for a while.

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  61. Enjoy your Spring/Summer blog schedule Ally. I have cut down drastically on my blogging schedule but it allows me more time to walk..I have always enjoyed running and have the marathon medal however a few months ago after getting to the stage where my walking was faster and just short of running I decided I would ease myself back into running again after a few year’s break…my previously good left knee that has never had a twinge or injury let me down and boy was it painful it took a while to get back to normal and although my short time running was wonderful I loved it…I love my health better and am back to walking again and loving it…I hope your friend has made the right decision for her health as I think winning the race for good health is better than a medal and all that goes with it… at my age 🙂

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    • Carol, I’m a walker, not a runner, but I understand how it calls to some people. It sounds like you’ve found a good way to keep moving with a dodgy knee and be happy about it. I adore your idea that winning the race for good health is better than a medal. I couldn’t agree more. You take care– and blog on when it suits you. That’s my current approach.

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  62. You certainly hit a loaded conversation with this topic. I can only compare her desire to run to my passion for gardening, and I’ve had to make adjustments. as each year passes. I work hard 3-4 hours in the morning and then quit for the day. I use a two wheeler to move heavy pots and rocks, ask for help to move 40-50 lb bags of fertilizer, battery versus gasoline pull tools, and take breaks to just sit and enjoy the garden for my knees and back. I would guess there are some folks who do not need to make many age adjustments, but most of us have to and learn to live with the ‘new aging me.’ Good luck to your friend, and enjoy your summer schedule and life on the deck.

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    • Judy, funny you’d say that. When I asked Z-D to proofread this post [which I occasionally do to make sure I’m making sense], he said you’re going to get LOTS of comments on this one. No truer words.

      Your example from your gardening life is perfect. You’re doing less than you once did, accepting your limitations, finding ways to adapt to who you are now. Like you said, “the ‘new aging me.’” That’s exactly what Friend has come to embrace.

      And yes, I do plan to enjoy our deck for all it’s worth… after the struggle to get it built. 🙄

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  63. A phrase from that famous poem “Desiderata” by Max Ehrmann often comes to mind, “gracefully surrendering the things of youth.” If your friend likes to run she should keep running and forget about being the best. Nothing lasts forever…

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    • Barbara, what a wonderful phrase that perfectly sums up what’s going on here. I get why Friend is having a difficult time with her decision, not because I’ve ever been the best at anything, but because I can see how her identity is wrapped up in being at the top.

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  64. I am in a similar situation with my yoga practice. There are things I cannot do anymore. I mourned it and moved on to doing what I can do because I very much enjoy my practice and would not give it up just because I can’t do a headstand or handstand. That said, I am not a competitive person. If I could run a marathon, I’d be happy that I could run a marathon. I feel that way about most things in life. I’m happy with what I can do, even if it is a mess at times. I challenge myself as best I can in order to keep growing, but surrender when it comes to that which I can no longer do. It’s easy for me to say/write. Not so easy to do and takes a bit of time.

    I’m going to read the comments now because I am very curious as to what others have said and what your friend has decided.

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    • Robin, you said & I agree: “I challenge myself as best I can in order to keep growing, but surrender when it comes to that which I can no longer do.” That’s how I approach my life, too. I’m not competitive so it works for me and keeps me centered.

      The comments on this quandary are across the board, as they should be. This isn’t a clear right or wrong decision, it’s just a how do you go about deciding topic… that lends itself to discussion.

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  65. It’s an interesting question. My thought was to let go of the sadness. You are not 20 anymore and cannot do everything you could then – none of us can. As someone else said, you have other strengths and you keep developing new interests and skills throughout your life. It makes me kind of sad that your friend seems to define herself as a marathoner and nothing else – though surely that was just in the interest in streamlining the story?

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    • Zazzy, I have no problem letting go of things I used to enjoy, but no longer can, or want, to do. As for Friend, she’s shy and from what I can tell by being known as a marathoner means she doesn’t have to talk much about herself. People know her as a marathoner and it makes socializing easier for her. She has many interests, but leans into being a marathoner the most.

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  66. Morning, Ally. If health permits, I think people should keep on doing their thing, and maybe find new things to do too, as they get older. Especially when they hit their 60s, 70s and above. We all slow down physically over time, but it’s easy to accept that and not let it stop us from living fully and enjoyably.

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    • Neil, good point about doing new things in addition to what you’ve always done. Friend seems happy with her decision to keep on keeping on with running marathons, but maybe she’ll find something new to do, too. That makes sense.

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  67. How lucky Friend is, because they can do either! BTW, some pretty fantastic people are half-marathoners. If Friend ever decides to drop back, they’d meet new people and could be an amazing mentor.

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    • Tracey, I don’t know why Friend is down on half marathons, but I’ve no doubt it’d be fun for her. Once she got out of her own way about not liking them. Plus like you said she could be a mentor to other runners and that’d be cool, too.

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  68. Great topic and interesting conversation (as is so often the case here). I think the question is a deeper one than achievement vs. enjoyment, and maybe even than identity (although all three things are at play), an opinion informed by returning to ice skating after a 45-year hiatus a little more than a year ago. Of course I did not expect to be able to skate at the level I once did, but I also did not expect things to be as different as they have turned out to be. Even my lower expectations are not likely to be met, and that has been disconcerting. Someone above mentioned our culture’s focus on winning and achievement, and there’s a corollary to that: Our narratives around effort and its relationship to achievement. Until fairly recently, I believed that if I worked hard and long enough, most things were within grasp. Surely goals I set for myself based upon my understanding of the resources available to me. There have been ample examples to prove this belief wrong, but still, I had it. It has always been true for things that mattered most to me, as (I’m guessing) running marathons has been for your friend. I am understanding, in ways I haven’t before, that aging is going to knock that belief right out of me. No matter how hard I work or how many resources I might throw at it, I’m not going to skate in some ways that I would like to. Ever. That’s over for my life. It’s a short hop, skip, and jump from that kind of thought to others about mortality, the passing of time, and The Meaning of Life. In that context, your friend’s decision makes all kinds of sense to me. I think we all want to be who we think of as ourselves for as long as we can.

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    • Rita, astute observation, well said: Even my lower expectations are not likely to be met, and that has been disconcerting. Therein is a variable in Friend’s confusion about how to handle her decline, which only makes a difference to her. She is going to continue on, much like you have with your return to skating, knowing that no matter how much more effort she puts into running, this is who she is now. I agree that part of this conundrum comes down to realizing that you’re closer to the end than the beginning of your life, so as long as Friend can, she’s a marathon runner. So be it.

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  69. Great food for thought. Sooner or later (if we live long enough) we all get to gradually transition from being mobile and self sufficient, to needing a walker or a cane, then, the loss of driving privileges, etc etc. We can either kick against the goad or learn to accept each new normal as it comes. My dad was fond of saying, once a man, twice a child. It is hard to watch his decline some days. As several others alluded to, there are so many things in play here. Enjoy your down time. You know I’m already doing the same thing. 🙂 DM

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    • DM, you’re right. We all will face situations wherein we’re no longer able to do for ourselves in the ways we always have. Your father’s saying is spot on. I’m sorry you’re watching his decline, but you are there for him so that’s good. As for Friend’s dilemma she’s content with her decision to not be the best and keep on going in marathons, so for the moment she’s happy again.

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  71. I feel some situations call for perseverance and some for modification. I think it depends on the person and the circumstances at hand. Glad to hear of your friend’s decision, though. It sounds like the right one for her. 🙂

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    • Lauren, exactly. For Friend, she’s made the right decision, she shall persevere. I also agree that we’re all dealing with life as it comes at us and situations change, personalities evolve, and what works for us one day may not the next.

      [FYI, I have no idea why your comments go into moderation. I didn’t put you there, but like a few other commenters that’s where you end up. WP is goofy.]

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  72. We’re headed into our city’s marathon weekend here. (It’s a big deal Boston qualifier weekend with kids races, a 5k, a 10k, a half,full, and relay.)

    I am a mix it up kind of person. I’d continue to do marathons, but I’d trade some of my marathons for some half’s in just for funsies. I’m a person who likes variety. IF I were a marathoner. Which I am most decidedly not.

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    • Katie, I’d do what you’d do. I like to mix things up, variety being what keeps me interested in anything. I’d get a helmet and try a half marathon just to see, but that’s not how Friend has chosen to deal with this conundrum. She’s still only going to run marathons. 🤷‍♀️

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  73. If the marathon dilemma is the only thing “aging” Friend has to worry about right now she should consider herself lucky, and keep on keeping on…..because life’s inevitable losses get much worse! I will miss your little sparks of joy, Ally, but understand the fine weather of spring/summer beckons and blogging can wait.

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  74. I’ve seen it happen with my aunt, who was a good enough bowler in her time to bowl in highly competitive men’s scratch leagues. I bowled on a family league with her last decade, and as she got into her 60’s and could no longer carry 200, or even a 180 average, she got fed up with bowling and stopped. I guess that’s what separates a sport from a hobby…. one we do to be competitive and try to win, and the other we do because we just enjoy doing it….

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    • evilsquirrel13, great distinction between a sport and a hobby, between competition and fun. Your aunt’s experience is exactly like the sort that Friend is going through. Once your numbers aren’t all that, you have to learn to live with yourself as not the best. I understand why your Aunt quit, I get it. It all comes down to how your ego handles it. However Friend continues running marathons… for fun.

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  75. I’m Team keep doing your thing, but accept that the First Place torch will in someone else’s hands.

    We all eventually slow down at whatever it is that’s our thing.

    BTW, I couldn’t run a 5k, so a marathon is miraculous to me.

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    • Suz, I can’t run at all either, but Friend sure can. She decided to keep doing her marathons knowing she’d not be the best. I wish her well and am glad she’s come to terms with aging. For now.

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  76. Running intensively for a long extended period of years is so hard on the joints. That aside, it seems she hasn’t got to the aging gracefully and always has to compete. Guess she needs to realize that as she hits each new age group so do the people she is “competing against”. Although most of the people that I know who do marathons do it for themselves and a PB not a medal.
    And enjoy your more relaxed schedule. Once our trip is behind us I will be a very irregular summer blogger, just like usual. Bernie

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    • Bernie, I wonder about how long Friend’s joints will take the strain of running, but at the moment she’s good. I wish her well, of course. I hope that she comes to run just because she likes too and doesn’t worry about competing.

      Yep, I look forward to doing less in blogland, but will, of course, check in with you. I’m looking forward to your trip.

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  77. Oh dear.I am not sure I want to re-live an experience that taught me the lesson that I am not a spring chicken anymore. But have friends who still are. It involved a ropes course, a treetop challenge – that might give you enough information. I won’t do it again. I look for lower impact hobbies that keep me moving in a more gentle way.
    Does your friend value winning over participation and the health benefits? If winning is important, choose the half-marathon but perhaps reassess why you are still doing it to win where there are loads of other benefits much more important.

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    • Amanda, a treetop challenge? Oh my, that sounds scary and impossible to me, a woman who likes to keep her feet on the ground hence I walk. I think the conversation with Friend was for her to have a sounding board about how she’s changed from a marathon competitor to a healthy runner. It’s a switch in her mind. I’ve never been consistently the best at anything so I don’t know what it’d be like to give up being at the top. I agree she needs to [and may have] come to understand her desire to win is less important than being healthy.

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  78. I think your friend should run even if she cannot win “best of” categories for her age anymore. I give her credit for showing up, still trying – at some point you should concede that age will intervene no matter what shape you are in.
    “Yeah, they’ll pass you by
    Glory days in the wink of a young girl’s eye
    Glory days, glory days”
    -Bruce Springsteen

    Enjoy your respite Ally. I should take a respite as well and get things done, but writing blog posts and blogging keeps me sane … I need it to balance out my workdays.

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    • Linda, good quote. Fits this scenario to a T. I don’t run so both a marathon and and half marathon are beyond me. I’m better at cheering people on.

      I know how you feel about writing blog posts to keep you balanced. That’s how I felt during the stay-at-home months of the pandemic.

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      • A lawyer I once worked for had been a runner while a U of M undergrad. Most of his awards were in 1957, his exceptional year. He had photos of himself, his trophies/awards/certificates all over the office and spoke about his “glory days” like it was yesterday. He’d rattle off meet dates and his stats. The funny thing (to me anyway) was he was pudgy (being polite here), a person who at that stage of his life, lived to eat. He looked nothing like that lithe runner from years ago. Though I’m not a big Springsteen fan, that song immediately came to mind when I first spoke with him.

        Yes, I enjoy blogging, the writing, the photography – perhaps I enjoy it too much as I don’t take care of the house like I once did and I am disorganized now. I have to get back on track with my reading goal in Goodreads where I am woefully behind.

        Enjoy your time off Ally … I hope you and Z-D get some long walks in before the heat and humidity set in. Be careful of the ticks. We have an infestation as Winter was not cold enough to kill them off. Sigh.

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        • I’m laughing here. I’ve met a few people who used to be athletes and you look at them now and wonder how that could be! I hear you about feeling disorganized. As much as a I love blogging, I need to get into some kind of homeowner | daily walker | novel reader groove that fits with blogging actively while having a retired husband around. I have yet to achieve a balance. 🙄

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          • That same boss once gave a new client whom he was meeting at the airport a description of himself. I was listening to the phone conversation: “I’m um rather rotund and I will be wearing a fedora ….” He had a quadruple chin and that’s not an exaggeration and his comb-over meant the least bit of wind was problematic, so he wore a felt fedora all year around, sometimes inside the office. The whole blogging experience is wonderful, but it truly does force you to move your priorities around. I would have a tough time fitting a husband in my schedule. 🙂

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  79. Happy spring, Ally. Enjoy your new spring/summer schedule. As to my answer to Friend’s decision, you have to do what makes you happy, but in her case either decision is an unhappy one for her. Sigh!

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    • Jennie, you’ve nailed the essence of the problem Friend was having while trying to decide what to do, who to be. At least she understands herself well enough to know there’s a decision to be made. She’s going to continue to run marathons knowing she probably won’t be first anymore. How she handles that unhappiness in the future remains to be seen.

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  80. Perhaps slightly off topic but I’m loving the spring/summer hours announcement. Accepting a semi-permanent change in my publishing schedule is akin to your friend’s running decision — if I’m not writing and publishing each and every day then am I, well…writing? It’s ridiculous when I type it out like that but my brain’s wonky.

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    • Laura, your ability to post daily is amazing to me. I don’t think your brain is wonky, it’s just accustomed to & comfortable doing the same thing. I understand what you’re saying. For me the decision is which is more important: show up weekly with less to write about? OR show up every other week with something to write about? My decision parallels Friend’s decision about running– only I went with option B. At least for now! 😜

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  81. Isn’t that the question everyone has to ask themselves when the time comes? You once could do something — then time takes its toll and you’re forced to either give it up, modify what you do or do something else? Or else. I’ve learned (the hard way) that I can, will and have changed paths over the years with several things in my life. Over the last six months being mostly blind with a really bad case of cataracts was a hard truth about just how much I rely on my eyesight. It became stressful for everyone in our house. We all had to adjust to the fact I couldn’t do stuff that we all took for granted. The good news is we survived and I can see again and, thankfully, I’m back to doing what I did before. Still, my stepson was recently diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia. The changes he’s going through are both amazing and horrifying. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Everything in his and his wife and their children’s lives has changed. The fact that his kids are grown doesn’t diminish how devastating this is. I think the answer to this, mostly, is that humans are adaptable. We may not like it, but we learn to do with more, with less and without. When we can’t or refuse to adapt, that’s when we run into real trouble. Give your friend a hug for me and tell her that whatever she chooses to do now and in the future, she’s got this! Enjoy your spring/summer hours, my friend! Mona

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    • Mona, good to hear from you. I didn’t know about your difficulties with cataracts, but I’ve no doubt they turned your life upside down and back again. It’s not being able to do the small things we take for granted that make for the worst situations. At least it seems that way to me. I’m glad you’re doing better now, seeing clearly both literally and figuratively. The impact of cataracts I’m familiar with [not personally but with relatives] but I know nothing about frontotemporal dementia. I’m very sorry to read about your stepson. You nailed it perfectly when you said: When we can’t or refuse to adapt, that’s when we run into real trouble. I know you’re right, yet not thrilled that you are right.

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  82. You know what, Ally? Friend made the best decision: To let go of being the best or fastest and just keep running. Do what she can and be happy with it. I applaud her for running marathons in the first place. I can’t even run a block because of physical limitations, so she still has a lot going for her.

    I was born with a curved spine, so that has figured into physical activity all of my life. As I’ve aged, it’s been more difficult to figure out what I can and can’t do. Yoga is now a “no,” but thankfully biking and swimming are both a “yes.” I’ve also recently been diagnosed with osteoarthritis and tendinitis in my left hip (gawd, this sounds like an old woman telling her neighbor all of her aches and pains), and that has caused issues in walking distances. Then again, I find blessings in being upright and breathing and able to take care of myself and two cats. Gibbs and Hoshi are glad I can still fill their food dish. So, again, you friend made the best decision. Tell her to keep going, have fun and enjoy the run!

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    • Mary, I like Friend’s decision, too. I didn’t want to sway her in any way so I just let her talk it out. Considering I cannot run, I didn’t have much information to tell her so I just nodded my head and made murmuring sounds of understanding.

      You’re smart to stick to the activities that don’t bother your back. I have sciatica in my left hip, so I can join in your old lady with ailments conversation! I, too, am just pleased I am still able to move enough to keep things together around here even if I don’t have two cats demanding more from me. I do love Gibbs and Hoshi. Friend seems to be having fun now, so that’s good.

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  83. I jumped right to the comment form, so I wouldn’t see your friend’s decision before I responded. I’m definitely curious though. Both responses are perfectly legitimate reactions. I say if your friend enjoys the process of training for and running marathons, she should do her best to shift the focus from results to the process and carry on. The fact that I am working on shifting focus to the journey more than the destination may have influenced my recommendation. Perhaps running a half-marathon could become part of your friend’s marathon training, so she could get a little of both.

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    • Christie, I like your idea of doing both a marathon and a half marathon. I don’t know if Friend would go for that. I don’t know why she’s down on half marathons, but they seem to bother her. I like your way of saying that you’re shifting your focus from results to focusing on the process. This makes sense to me, but I’m not a runner so I make a better sounding board than advice giver. I’m just amazed that anyone wants to run to begin with!

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  84. I feel for your friend. Aging is one of those things that can take us by surprise. I was absolutely floored when I was told I needed hearing aids. Out of all of the changes that come with aging, that one wasn’t even on my radar. A minor hearing loss is really no big deal, but it was something that really took me a while to come to terms with. Enjoy your new relaxed schedule!

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    • Linda, I can understand how hearing loss would be one of those unexpected health situations. I’d not think about it either until I had to. I plan to still be here and around in blogland, just less so.

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  85. That’s a tough one if your friend is very competitive, like my husband. He’d kill/injure himself to be the best at the level he used to be. Me, on the other hand, would just keep doing it if I enjoy it enough and not worry about how I place. Different personalities.

    Oh, but reading your responses to the earlier comments, I see your friend decided to be like me! Yay!!

    Will miss your regular post, Ally Bean! But I totally get it! Enjoy your time doing your fancy during your reduced blog spring/summer hours!

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    • M, I’m not competitive either so for me the decision wouldn’t be difficult, but for Friend it was something to think over every which way but up. I’m thinking that she’s still going to enjoy running now that she realizes she likes running. 🙄

      I’ll be around blogland, but not as often. We have lots to accomplish around the house this summer so I’ll be busy… just elsewhere. Thanks for stopping by to comment.

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  86. Ally, your friend made a wise decision and one that we all face if we are the least bit competitive in sports. I used to play first court and win most of my tennis games – these days I am happy to compete on a lower court and put up a good fight. At least I am still out there. For me, it is about continuing to do something I love for as long as possible. There is a reason why Pickle Ball has become so popular!

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    • Suzanne, I agree with you that Friend made a good decisions, considering her options. So far she’s taken to still running and not being the best. Your example from tennis is spot on to how Friend came to accept her, for lack of a better word, limitations. You certainly are right about Pickle Ball. I’ve yet to play it but it looks like fun.

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  87. Hi Ally – it’s a great question. I’m glad your friend decided to keep running marathons for the love of running them. It’s initially hard to accept growing older. I’ve had to give up and accept things in recent years, but I’ve also discovered new things and interests. So there’s a win even when you have to change a bit. Enjoy your spring/summer hours! See you out there 🙂

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  88. I am glad she’s letting her ego go… because honestly, there’s always be faster (but also slower!) runners and if you’re a true runner, all that matters for you is getting out there and run (to your best ability!).

    Yay.

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    • San, Friend does like running. Like you I think she made a good choice to keep on running and just forget about being the best. But it took some contemplation + discussion for her to get to that point.

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  89. Hi, Ally – I ❤ that you gave us the spoiler right away. I believe that your friend's deciision was a good one. But truly, whatever she decided and was most comfortable for her – would have been the right decision. This is an awesome example, that can be applied to a gazillion different situations as we age. For me, I usually take a middle road and dip into a little bit of both sides. Yup, my Libra roots are showing! Enjoy your summer hours. I like them! 😀

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    • Donna, I’m with you. I’ll try a little bit of that, a little bit of this, then decide what I’ll do BUT Friend is [for some reason] against half marathons. I like her decision, understand her logic, but would also add that should she change her mind, I’d be for that, too. Whatever floats your boat, eh?

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  90. I think if it were me, I would start by doing what she is doing. Continue to run the marathon, which feels more real to her. But as she gets older, she may have to ALSO switch to half-marathons. It’s hard when our bodies change as we age.

    I’ve never been a runner, and I’ve been behind on reading blogs. I finally made the time to read a bunch today, and was surprised at how many of my running blog friends are frustrated by their speed lately. As a non-runner, I feel like if I got out there and did it at all I would be thrilled.

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    • J., I agree that there’s a good chance that eventually Friend is going to have to consider running a half marathon, but I’m not going to be the one to tell her. As it is now she’s pleased with her decision, so I am too.

      I’m with you, I’m not a runner. I understand why/how they’re frustrated about being slower, but I see them as amazing human beings for even running at all.

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  91. Doing things from the ego – aka the ego-based running friend – is a life-killer Ally, in more ways than one. We have endless potential as an unlimited mind, but then take on a single identity as a whatever. Makes little sense and of course, it always mucks with the aging process rather than going with the flow and enjoying life. Great reminder here.

    Ryan

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    • Ryan Biddulph, I tend to agree with you. My ego has never taken me in a good direction, but I do know that it could. Friend is finding her way as she gets older, perhaps eventually learning to let go of her entrenched identity and going with the flow instead. We’ll see.

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  92. I guess it all depends on priorities and reasons for running. I used to run just for fun – “winning” I saved for other things like securing sales for a company – or doing a really good job on something just to spite anyone who said I wasn’t capable.
    I’ve seen/known people really addicted to running – there is a physical/chemical response in the body with running. And there is there peer thing.
    Maybe as friend ages, she’ll relax and rediscover other sides of herself – meanwhile run when – and in which contest makes you happy
    Recognizing what you need to do for quality of life and balance in life is elusive for many sadly. Applause for taking time off – while we’ll miss your delightful conversations and take on things, most understand. Breaks keep you fresh and unstressed – and happy with why you blog. see ya around the neighborhood ( also stepping back a bit to enjoy and not fight the flow of life)

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    • philmouse, you’re right of course. It’s all about priorities and reasons for Friend. I realize some people become addicted to the idea of running, then the physical response to it keeps them doing it. For the moment I think Friend is happy being not number one and still running.

      As for my reduced blogging schedule. I like writing and goofing off in blogland, but maybe less of it this spring and summer. I’m not giving up on it, just reducing my commitment to it. You understand.

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